“Who’s NOT?” Round One.

For those of you who may not be aware, ESPN is currently running a little gimmick they have tabbed “Who’s NOW?”. For all intents and purposes, of course, it’s a glorified popularity contest designed to get fans excited about the hottest athletes in the news today. It’s basically their way of measuring hype, while quietly and simultaneously researching who their fan base craves more.

Thousands of fans have voted thus far, with typically disappointing results. If All-Star Game voting has taught us anything, it’s that fans, as a group, are unreliable. They knocked out a dominant Roger Federer in favour of a pedestrian Tony Parker-Longoria, after all. Don’t try to justify it…you can’t. It boggles the mind. So instead, we invite you to take part in our own version. We’re calling it “Who’s NOT?”, and it’s the exact opposite of ESPN’s contest. The goal of this game is to determine, once and for all, who is the most unpopular athlete, sports figure or organization of the moment. The format is a simple four-round bracket of sixteen. Here are your matchups:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Being involved in a scandal is almost a prerequisite for this tournament, and it just so happens that both of these men have been investigated by the F.B.I. Vick has been dogged (pun intended) by the feds on suspicion of organizing dog fights across state lines. The former poster-boy of the National Football League has a history of run-ins with the law, but his previous indiscretions were nothing like this. If convicted, and it’s all but a certainty given the reported evidence against him, he could serve serious jail time. Not only would it derail a franchise player’s once-promising career, but it has already brought a dark cloud over the entire league, regardless of the outcome. The second-highest paid player in the NFL and endorsement hound (pun intended) is watching it all slip away. His judgement day is Thursday.

Tocchet will appear in court on August 17 after his role in ‘Operation Slapshot’, an illegal gambling ring, was exposed last year. He has pleaded guilty and will look to have his sentence reduced as a result. Sure, the former assistant coach of the Phoenix Coyotes is unpopular now, but was he ever well-liked in the first place?

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Bonds is just two home runs from tying Henry Aaron’s all-time record of 755, but you wouldn’t know it. Many are choosing to turn a blind eye to his tainted accomplishments. While he has never admitted it publicly, we all know he has been linked to steroid use and other performance-enhancing drugs. His former trainer is locked up for not talking about it, which should be seen as an obvious denial. Also, he’s probably more abrasive to the media than anyone in sports right now; coach, player or otherwise. As Toronto radio host Bob McCown said, “He’s a cheater and a jerk.” No argument here. Don’t forget, he tried to steal the spotlight from the consensus “greatest player of all-time”, Willie Mays, during the latter’s All-Star Game tribute earlier this month. There’s just nothing to like about Barry. He does little to help his own cause.

Daunte Culpepper’s career has resembled one of his passes of late. Both are spiralling downward. The former Minnesota Vikings starter has now fallen out of favour with not one, but two organizations as he has been released by the Miami Dolphins. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Not that Culpepper was ever “mighty”, but he was once considered to be among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Two years ago, he set the Vikings all-time record for touchdowns in a season with 39. But after the Dolphins signed veteran Trent Green in June, it was clear they had lost confidence in the oft-injured Culpepper. Numerous knee surgeries later, and after several attempts to trade him have failed, he is now an unrestricted free agent. Will anyone take a flyer on this enigma?

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

It’s game over for Pacman, after NFL commissioner Roger Godell handed Jones a one-year suspension back in May. Jones loses his entire 2007-08 paycheque as a result, and he must apply for reinstatement to the league, much like the Ricky Williams case. Jones was never a household name for his football prowess, but has instead become widely known as a repeat offender. He has reportedly been involved in ten (count ‘em, ten) incidents which have required police questioning. The most recent of these events took place during the NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, when he was charged with both a felony and misdemeanor after a fight and shooting at a strip club that left a man paralyzed. If there was any doubt about his status as a 3-seed in this bracket, we hope it has now been removed.

Anna Kournikova. You’re thinking, “There’s a name from the past.” Well it really wasn’t too long ago. Anna was once the most downloaded athlete on the planet (although some might argue about the use of the term ‘athlete’) and many became tennis fans overnight just to watch her skid around Wimbledon or sweat it out at Roland Garros. Well, it turns out she was spending a little too much time milking her modeling and endorsement career, because whatever tennis ability she had faded, and with it, so did her spot in the public eye. We still remember those magazine spreads and cameos at NHL games (remember when she had a thing for flashy Russian hockey players?), but we’ll never think of her as an athlete. Perhaps that’s why she belongs on this shameful stage. Hey, at least she’s back in the conversation.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

“Iron” Mike Tyson was once the most feared boxer since Muhammad Ali. He was the youngest ever to win a world heavyweight title belt. Then, he went nuts. The Tyson we know today is a far cry from the young version. A rape conviction, a bloody ear, his 2005 retirement from the pros (which came about seven years too late) and his massive debt accumulation transformed him from a respected fighter into a truly tragic figure. The question is, are we sympathetic to his plight? Sure, he was manipulated by slimeball promoter Don King. But he made a series of poor choices along the way (including associating with King in the first place). It’s hard to feel sorry for Tyson.

Chile’s under-20 national soccer squad was riding high after earning a spot in the World Cup semi-final. After a 3-0 loss to Argentina, though, all hell broke loose. Reports indicated that several members of the team got into it with Argentinian fans and then Toronto police while boarding the bus leaving the stadium. Two photographers from the Canadian Press later confirmed they heard yelling near the bus. What followed might not seem so unusual for the majority of soccer fans (“A soccer riot? How unexpected!”), but Chile’s clash with rival fans and local law enforcement left a black mark on an otherwise successful FIFA tournament in Canada. We can only wonder what the Czech Republic and Argentina have in store for the finale.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Donaghy has the advantage of being the most recent story of the entire bracket. Only days ago, the New York Post reported that the former National Basketball Association referee allegedly had ties to the Gambino crime family, was himself a gambler with a mountain of debt, and as a result, affected the outcomes of games he officiated. This is absolutely devastating news for the NBA, commissioner David Stern, league director of officiating Ronnie Nunn and fans alike. Officials have been accused of point shaving and manipulating contests for years, but there has never been any evidence. Until now. Sports writers across the continent who have been crying foul about the league’s horrendous officiating are now being vindicated. Donaghy is just one man, and he is suspected of fixing games over just the last two seasons, but this could be the first domino in a lengthy investigation and NBA officials will have to face the music and pay the price.

Ultimate fighting has been gaining popularity, but is still not accepted in the mainstream media as a legitimate sport (or even a legal one in some jurisdictions). Sean Sherk’s positive steroid test following UFC 73 isn’t going to help. Sherk was found to have traced of nandrolone metabolite, a banned substance, in his system following his bout with Hermes Franca on July 7. Sherk was crowned champion of the lightweight division after beating Franca, but now faces a suspension and fine. Worse, though, is the fact that his reputation as a clean fighter is now damaged forever. Franca also tested positive for a banned substance after the fight. However, Sherk was the champion who is now on the outside looking in.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Sheffield is no stranger to controversy, and the always confrontational outfielder has stirred up trouble three times this season. First, there was the uproar over his remarks about Latin players. In the June issue of GQ magazine, he claimed that black players are less prevalent in baseball now because they are harder to control than Latinos and players of other ethnic backgrounds. Then, there was an on-field incident last month in which he threw a piece of a splintered bat at umpire Greg Gibson, revealing to the Detroit News afterwards that he told Gibson, “Last time I checked, I paid for the bat. I can throw it any way I want.” Finally, and most recently, Sheffield told ESPN’s Andrea Kremer that Joe Torre treated his white and black players differently. Is he just an angry man who craves attention? Or is there a shred of truth in either of his two shocking statements? His on-field actions make it hard to buy into his off-field beliefs.

Bring up Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment around a Canadian sports fan and you’ll be lucky to avoid injury. The consortium of local businessmen in charge of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors and their facility (among other properties) have long been loathed by fans across the nation and even those within the Greater Toronto Area. Richard Peddie, Larry Tanenbaum and the gang have repeatedly made moves in the interest of maintaining successful businesses rather than committing to producing winning franchises. From foolishly ridiculous contracts to poor management hiring decisions, the Board has continually let down its fan base and the city of Toronto as a whole. Sure, they have added the expansion Toronto FC to the city’s already vibrant sports scene, and the club has been a remarkable success in its inaugural campaign, but that has nothing to do with ownership. MLSE cares most about the bottom line, and they always will.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

T.O. would probably be seeded higher if not for a stunningly quiet off-season (by his standards, of course). Sure it’s only late July, and training camp is just getting rolling. But we have yet to hear him call out teammates or coaches in the media, or see him doing reps in his driveway amid a throng of salivating reporters. He always has a flair for the over-dramatic, though, so maybe he’s just planning something huge. You watch him because you never know what he’ll do next. When he’s not being a selfish, loud, cranky clipboard carrier, he’s entertaining. The thing about Owens is, he can be on this list or ESPN’s version and no one will question it.

By now, you probably know about Alex Rodriguez’s trip to Toronto a while back. It didn’t go so well. One “MINE!” and one mysterious unidentified blonde woman later, A-Rod was front page news in tabloids and respected publications across North America. But he was well on his way to being hated before his Yankees pulled into Pearson. His descent towards being abhorred by fans began the day Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks inked him to a $252 million contract. From that day forward, he had a billing he could not possibly live up to. Sure, he may some day break the all-time home run record and may be headed for Cooperstown, but that contract branded him with pressure that no baseball player in history save for Jackie Robinson could have handled. Now, he’s starting to crack. Off the field, of course. On it, he’s mashing the ball like he has something to prove.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Casual sports fans and neophytes alike know the tale of Kobe Bryant. The way he forced Shaquille O’Neal out of Los Angeles, the way he coaxed Phil Jackson out of retirement and subsequently tainted his legacy, the way he spent his free time in Colorado in between games (isn’t he lucky she dropped the case?) and finally, the way he pouted to a few random fans with a camera about how terrible the current Lakers are. Yes, L.A.’s management has made some bonehead moves, but perhaps the biggest was believing Bryant would carry the franchise on his own. He has become a giant headache, and all of the above actions plus his YouTube-style trade demands make him one of sports most despised athletes.

Bud Selig. Where do we begin? This could be a column in itself, but we’ll try to keep it concise. It’s obvious now that Selig knew about the steroid problem in his game and looked the other way as the dollars were rolling in. We know this for a fact. He is clearly only “fighting” steroid use in baseball to avoid a public relations disaster. He has to appear to be trying to save the game, but the current policy is weak by international standards. He created this monster, didn’t slay it when he had the chance, and now it’s out of control. Selig now has to deal with Bonds, the epitome of his years of ignorance toward banned substances, approaching the most cherished record in baseball. Selig’s boyhood hero growing up in Milwaukee? Hank Aaron. Talk about karma. Selig is getting what he deserves, but it will be at the expense of the game’s history.

This championship will be hotly contested. I’m sure you can already spot a few upsets in the making. Also, there’s no doubt a few notable figures didn’t qualify for the tournament (Floyd Landis lost the play-in game to Tocchet). For a full view of our bracket, click here. Make sure to comment below and have your voice heard. The battle for the most loathsome figure in sports has begun. Who will it be? Come back soon to find out.

How to Be an American Sports Star: A Guide For David Beckham

Dear Becks,

You sure looked happy to be joining Major League Soccer’s L.A. Galaxy in today’s press conference. I mean, sure, seeing all of those zeroes on your paycheque would be enough to make anyone but Karl Marx smile. This is a new opportunity for you (and your trophy wife) to make American dollars and become even more famous expose yourself to a new culture. But it won’t be a cakewalk. I know, I know. You’re used to being “in the spotlight” and “under the microscope” of the British tabloids. Well, trust me. This is America. This is Hollywood. You haven’t seen anything yet. Don’t worry, though. As a welcome gift, we present to you a few tips that will help you fit in and become a true sports celebrity on this side of the pond. Enjoy.

1. Convince ABC to employ a cameraman whose sole job is to shoot Victoria Beckham for the duration of all Galaxy games. This worked wonders for Eva Longoria. Plus, it won Tony Parker a dubious Finals MVP award. You can’t go wrong.

2. With the endorsement deals flooding in, you’ll be called by all the major players in the corporate world. That’s exactly why you’ll sign on to do a spot for Marina Auto Upholstery in Venice. Every American star does a used car ad, it’s like a right of passage. You haven’t truly arrived until you’ve read from a cue card.

3. Remove the pronoun “I” from your vocabulary. From now on, you’ll refer to yourself exclusively in the third-person. After all, your billboards are larger than life, right? Your ego should be as inflated as the blimp flying over your games. Say goodbye to “I’m taking it one game at a time,” and say hello to “David Beckham doesn’t know how the stripper ended up in his hotel room,” and “David Beckham thinks he shouldn’t have been suspended for kicking that referee.”

4. One word: Entourage. Soon, not only will you have one (which, incidentally, will not include the arm candy or the kids), you’ll be on the HBO show of the same name. Your posse will, of course, flank you whenever you are seen off the field and hit you up for cash which you’ll be more than happy to dish out. As for the TV gig, cameo appearances on popular shows and movies are essential for all North American superstars. Shaq had Curb Your Enthusiasm. Wayne Gretzky had The Young and the Restless. Brett Favre had There’s Something About Mary. David Beckham will soon have the trendiest show among the 18-34 demo in North America. Trust me, this will work.

5. You’ll need a great nickname. You know, one that isn’t just a short form of your last name (although it does remind us of beer). I’m putting my vote in right now for “Old Spice”. And hey, that deodorant commercial writes itself. Whatever handle you choose, it will give you instant street cred and turn you into a household name beyond the British Isles.

6. You know the Bentley, the Rolls Royce and the Aston Martin parked in your old garage? It’s time to raise them to the rafters. First thing tomorrow, you’re heading to the Cadillac dealership and picking up an Escalade. It’s how the sports icons on this side of the Atlantic roll. Remember, I don’t mean to sound like Lou Dobbs here. It’s just what you have to do to relate to your new fan base. Oh, and while you’re at it, stop by the Hummer lot and grab yourself an H3. I hear that gets you instant membership in the Y.R.A.U. (the Young and Rich Athletes Union, where LeBron James serves as president).

7. Before season’s end, you should do at least one of the following: a. Get arrested for a misdemeanor and pay your way out of jail time, b. whine about a lack of playing time even when you go three weeks without scoring, or c. conduct a serious sit-down interview in which you earn sympathy from fans. The Sunday Conversation on ESPN SportsCenter is always good for your rep and they’ll throw you beachballs for questions. 60 Minutes is great if you’re looking to break into the lucrative 35-59 demo, and their journalistic integrity (not you, Rooney) gives you instant credibility with the average American. You can play the ‘chip on your shoulder’ card, and tell us about being idolized by millions of fans but never fulfilling their dream of winning a World Cup title for England.

So there you have it. Here’s hoping you take this advice to heart and become the next American superstar athlete. Then again, you’re now 32 and you’ll be making $250 million over the next five years. So, while we’re on the subject of Hollywood, one question comes to mind: What’s your motivation?

Dynasty Digested: The Reign is Over

A 23 year-old college student has dethroned a legend.

Takeru Kobayashi’s incredible run of six consecutive titles is now a thing of the past, thanks to San Jose State University student Joey “Jaws” Chestnut’s record-breaking performance in the 2007 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Chestnut, who was ranked 2nd by the International Federation of Competitive Eating, scarfed down a record 66 HDBs (hot dogs and buns), edging Kobayashi’s total of 63. Both competitors’ 2007 totals exceeded anything previously seen in Nathan’s competition history, and in the end, the underdog prevailed.

The 29 year-old Kobayashi, known in the eating circuit as “The Tsunami”, had won every Nathan’s belt from 2001 to 2006 along with countless others. He averaged 50.2 HDBs per 12-minute championship over his remarkable reign, and is the #1 eater in the world, according to the IFOCE. But the upstart Chestnut proved too much this afternoon in pulling off a truly historic gorging.

Looking back on the Nagano native’s dominance, it’s clear he has to be included on the list of most dominant athletes of our generation. With today’s heartbreaking loss and reports indicating that he was suffering from jaw arthritis going into today’s title bout, it is clear he is entering the decline of his career. According to that same Darren Rovell report, he almost withdrew from today’s championship after his mother’s recent passing, but chose to carry on.

Despite their cultural differences, the two bun munchers weren’t exactly foreign to each other coming in to today’s coronation. At last year’s Nathan’s event, when Chestnut was just a rookie, Kobayashi narrowly defeated him, 53.75-52. The day was significant because although the result was expected, it was the best an American had ever fared against The Tsunami. In hindsight, we now see it was a sign of things to come.

This afternoon, Chestnut won his first Coney Island title at the same age (23) that Kobayashi was when he won his first in 2001. With The Tsunami’s future in question, will “Jaws” rise to similar heights? Only time will tell. What we do know is that today’s result signals a passing of the torch in competitive eating. Kobayashi’s dynasty is on the brink, and a young hot dog phenom has staked his claim as the heir to the throne.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

It’s July 1. But for the National Hockey League, it might as well be November 1, because the shopping frenzy has begun.

It’s 1:22 p.m. in Toronto. As of about an hour ago (12:00:00 EDT), teams were officially allowed to sign free agents. The NBA’s free agency period has also kicked off today, but actual signings can’t take place until July 11. So that lets us focus solely on hockey. The dollars have already started to fly, and we’ve still got a long way to go.

TSN has opted to cover the first day of NHL free agency (because really, aren’t we a little tired of mid-day poker coverage?). Call it excessive, over-the-top and maybe unneccesary, but admit it. You’re watching. This is part of being Canadian, and on Canada Day? How appropriate. By the way, happy 140th birthday, old gal.

Back to the “Free Agent Frenzy”. Or so TSN is calling it in their on-screen graphics. Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s evaluate their coverage of this momentus occasion. What, you have somewhere to be?

• It should be noted that they are the only network covering this “event”. The Score and Rogers Sportsnet have decided not to capitalize on (exploit?) Canada’s thirst for everything hockey-related, instead going with horse racing and pool, respectively.
• Best moment of the day so far? Allow me to set the scene. They cut to the Gord Miller-Bob Mackenzie-Darren Dreger desk. Miller is flanked by the other two. Mackenzie, to his left, is “typing” on his laptop (on camera!) and ignoring Miller’s insight, but he’s using only his pointer fingers to type. Look, we all know someone who does this. But who knew a veteran reporter (with a print background) never learned to type? Meanwhile, Dreger works the Blackberry (also on camera). Dreger 1, Mackenzie 0.
• Here come “The Reporters”. Dave Hodge is always entertaining, if not for his knowledge, then for his ad-libbing ability and terrificly wry sense of humour. Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun equates the free agent landscape to a game of Clue, to which Sports Illustrated’s Michael Farber responds, “Or in your case, no clue.” Thank you, Michael.
• James Duthie, our host for the afternoon (so wait, they’re shuffling us between three tables of talking heads? Who IS hosting this?) chimes in. “We have one.” And, cue the canned SportsCentre theme. Todd White to Atlanta. Earth-shattering news, gentlemen.
• Miller tells us that “everyone but the Kansas City Scouts and California Golden Seals have put in an offer for Ryan Smyth.” I like the Seals to win the Cup next year.
• It’s 1:55 p.m. According to Duthie, the coverage is ‘ending’ in five minutes, in favour of NASCAR. He promises they’ll cut into the racing coverage and return if something does come up. I’d love to be a fly on the wall at that production meeting:

Executive #1: Should we stay with it all afternoon or cut to a sport no one watches?

Executive #2: Free agency is going to last all summer, and all we’ve seen so far is Joe Thornton re-upping in San Jose.

Executive #3: And Todd White to Atlanta.

Executive #2: Right, Todd White to Atlanta.

Executive #1: Okay, let’s have the hockey guys sit around in the studio all day and we’ll just turn on the cameras when something happens.

Executive #2: Sounds good. We just need someone to poke Hodge every twenty minutes. Oh, and make sure McGuire’s getting decaf.

Executive #3: Why don’t we have Darren give Bob typing lessons?

Executive #2: Great idea. Now, what’s next on the agenda? Oh, right. Maggie the Macaque’s contract negotiations.

Executive #1: Alright, you know the drill. We need all the bananas and cigars you can find, and don’t forget to cover the furniture. Remember, whatever you do, keep her away from Onrait. We don’t want a repeat of last year. This meeting is adjourned.