Hold the Mayo: USC Gets Shakespearean

“O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name.” – William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II.

Well, so much for that. Clearly, Percy Romeo Miller (known in the rap world as Lil’ Romeo) didn’t heed that advice, as the Associated Press reported today that he has signed a letter of intent to play basketball at the University of Southern California.

Miller’s father is none other than hip-hop mogul and NBA training camp fixture Master P. The younger Miller is considered to be a top-15 prep point guard, according to one recruiting service.

“Getting a college scholarship is more important than winning an American Music Award, and I plan to be the best student-athlete I can be at USC,” he said.

(But a Grammy Award? Now that’s an honour.)

So a wealthy teenage rap star is going to university to play basketball. How is this not a terribly flawed plan?

Let’s see. Tours. Recording contracts. Publicity commitments. Two-a-days. Training camp. Homework? Practice. Stop me if I’m making too much sense.

Sports and music make strange bedfellows, Romeo. Just ask Dad, who attended several training camps as a non-roster invitee in hopes of catching on with an NBA club (most notably with the Raptors), but never could. Sure, you might have a step or two on the old man. Sure, you might be a prized local recruit. And sure, we know your intentions may be good.

But can this possibly work?

As nice as this story is from a public relations standpoint (kid millionaire values education and sport), how realistic is it that a. he’ll be able to put aside his rap career during the season and that b. it won’t be a distraction to the team? He’s still itching for fame and fortune, just in another kind of arena.

Miller can’t possibly dedicate enough of his time to both commitments. Either the record company complains to the school or, more likely, vice versa.

It just can’t end well. We’d like to see it work out, for both interested parties. But let’s be realistic. What do you think, Shakespeare?

“Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied; and vice sometimes by action dignified.” – Act II, Scene III.

Maybe Willy was on to something.

Pass the Aspirin: The Return of Ron-Ron and Ricky

“Congratulations, Ron Artest and Ricky Williams. Welcome back into our lives.”

We’ll just go ahead and assume that wasn’t your initial reaction if you happened upon the news that two of the sports world’s most notorious figures were reinstated in their respective leagues yesterday.

Artest’s seven-game suspension for domestic abuse came to an end tonight, as he suited up for the Sacramento Kings in a regular season game for the first time since last spring.

Meanwhile, Ricky Williams was officially reinstated by the National Football League on the same day, after serving an 18-month ban for repeatedly testing positive for marijuana.

Upstanding citizens, aren’t they? It’s not easy to be sympathetic towards two of the most troubled athletes in North America. But while you shouldn’t shed a tear for them, there actually are reasons to trot out the welcome wagon.

Sure, Williams is the ultimate headache, but his return to the winless Miami Dolphins is absolutely what the once proud franchise deserves. Really, from a karmic standpoint, this is exactly what should happen. Think about it. The Dolphins had a chance to give their fans hope in last summer’s NFL draft, but abruptly turned their back on them, passing on promising quarterback Brady Quinn in favour of receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. Despite riding Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino for almost two decades, they could never translate it into a championship or successful run of playoff appearances. This is a poorly run organization, from top to bottom. Don’t believe me? Get Don Shula drunk and ask him.

So after failing to confront Williams’ ongoing drug problems head on for years, they were given his inconsistency and abrasiveness with the media as a reward. The mercurial running back simply isn’t worth the trouble he causes. We know that. They know that. The odd thing is, there are very few things going right with the Dolphins these days, and their running game is one of them. Jesse Chatman has stepped in for the injured Ronnie Brown and delivered fairly consistent numbers. So why the talk of a Ricky Williams-Miami reunion? Because at this point, they get more attention being the laughingstock than the winless team with one promising fill-in.

Normally, headaches are painful and annoying. But in this case? Let’s hope they re-sign him.

And then, there’s Ron-Ron.

Artest’s situation is obviously a little different, considering he was still the property of a professional sports team while he was forced to sit at home and play video games with his entourage. But the most glaring parallel to Williams, of course, is that Artest is also a repeat offender. He was infamously suspended along with eight other players in the now infamous “Malice at the Palace” on Nov. 19, 2004 (we’re five days from the three-year anniversary, in case you don’t have it circled on your calendar). The brawl left a black eye on the game of basketball and spurred wholesale changes in the way the game is now marketed and perceived. Artest, as you may know, was banned for the remainder of the season.

On January 30 of this year, the Sacramento Bee reported that he was “failing to provide proper sustenance” to his dog. And, most recently, there was the domestic abuse charge in March. He was sentenced to 20 days in a county jail and community service, while Kings’ general manger Geoff Petrie suspended him for the first seven games of the season. This is the bad Artest.

The good Artest? That’s the one who’s consistently one of fantasy basketball’s most productive players. It’s the one who was the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year in 2004. It’s the one who released a widely panned rap album. It’s the one who was asked by ESPN The Magazine about appearing in the All-Star game and responded by saying the following:

“They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won’t shoot, but I’ll dominate that easy game. I’ll be playing hard defense. I’ll be foulin’. I’ll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, ‘What are you doing?’”

As volatile and unpredictable as he is, the league needs his personality. Now, it goes without saying that domestic abuse is a horrible crime. Please don’t misunderstand this. But the man has done his time. There’s something to be said for forgiveness, even when we’re dealing with hardly sympathetic figures.

And speaking of figures, I’ll take his statistics any day of the week. Artest’s output in his long-awaited return?

17 points, 6 assists, 3 rebounds, 3 3-pointers, 3 steals, 1 block.

These two men give sports the antagonists they so desperately need. They also provide colour and humour to leagues that all too often take themselves too seriously. Welcome back, Ron and Ricky. You’ve paid your debts to society. May you continue to make us cringe, sigh and laugh all at once.