Everywhere Indeed: Live-Blogging CityTV’s Foray into Baseball

Sometimes in life, things just happen for a reason. Sunday afternoon, the unintentional comedy gods were smiling on us, as Toronto’s CityTV took a crack at broadcasting baseball.

On the diamond, you’d expect the Cincinnati Reds and Toronto Blue Jays to provide the typical Grapefruit League fare. But thanks to Gord Martineau and company, there was nothing typical about it.

12:25: The tension is palpable as we await the opening of the broadcast. There hasn’t been this much anticipation for a spring training game since, well, ever. It should be mentioned that because of Ted Rogers’ intriguing choice to put a spring training game on a local non-sports station, Major League Baseball has moved the start time up to 12:35 EDT. That’s right. The powers that be in the league office bowed to Rogers (owner of one of its franchises, overall media magnate and brand-new owner of CityTV). Aren’t we all better off for it? Get the popcorn ready, folks. Here it comes…

12:32: Our first glimpse of spring training, City-style, looks fairly normal. That is, until CityTV personality Jennifer Valentyne trots out to sing the Canadian anthem. The former Toronto Argonauts cheerleader is singing the anthem in slow-motion. Super slow-motion. Looks like she’s teaching the crowd the lyrics.

12:35: The opening throw to the booth couldn’t have gone any smoother, right? The first thing we hear is Kathryn Humphreys unknowingly uttering the following words with her mic on:

“Am I doing this here?” This is going to be a great afternoon.

12:36: Hugh Burrill and Martineau will provide the play-by-play and colour commentary this afternoon. Burrill’s introduction of the lineups isn’t much better than Humphreys’ opening gaffe. As he stumbles over the players’ names, the director throws in a graphic that looks like it was borrowed from the Dupont Network.

12:40: Thank you, Ted Rogers. Martineau throws it down to Barb DiGiulio of the FAN 590. The live hit passes without incident, and her energy and confidence make the City crew look like the chess club.

“We’re at a baseball game? Oh, darn, I forgot my spectacles! Remembered my pocket protector though.”

12:54: It’s clear now that this broadcast is a public relations vehicle the size of a Hummer limo. Jays president Paul Godrey steps into the booth to hawk season tickets in the game’s opening moments, and the commercials are nothing more than ticket-pushing spots from various spots around the Rogers Centre and beyond. In the top of the second inning, a booth conversation with the club’s events co-ordinator (about the post-game barbeque, no less) is interrupted by a triple to the gap in left-centre field by Reds’ farmhand Chris Dickerson. Oh, right, there’s a ballgame going on.

1:09: Finally, some genuine class on the broadcast. The FAN’s Jerry Howarth stops by in the top of the third. It’s great to see and hear Jerry again, as we finally get some real baseball analysis. Howarth breaks down what he expects from the pitching staff and new additions Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. So, to recap, the best elements of the broadcast so far have been Howarth and DiGiulio, both FAN personalities. Coincidence? Hardly. Let’s turn this into a real baseball broadcast, shall we? Where’s Mike Wilner?

1:21: Speaking of real baseball talk, Burrill has settled in nicely despite his lack of play-by-play experience. Martineau, on the other hand, is a complete mess. On Reds’ manager Dusty Baker:

“I remember Dusty when he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers and Tommy Lasorda was managing.”

Gord, that was 1976.

So far, we’ve seen Duane Ward and Lloyd Moseby selling tickets in the commercials. Why not have a former Jay in the booth doing the colour commentary? I guess that would just make too much sense.

1:27: Humphreys gets another shot at redemption as they throw it to her again. She’s with reliever Jeremy Accardo, outside what looks like the ballpark’s men’s room. Kathryn, please, just let the man go. We don’t need a bladder injury before Opening Day.

1:31: The third inning ends quietly. Oh, in case you’re wondering, it’s 2-0 Reds thanks to a two-run double by Cincinnati’s Jay Bruce back in the second inning. The Jays have just one hit on the afternoon (a single by Aaron Hill in the bottom of the third). Starter A.J. Burnett allowed the game’s two runs along with three Cincinnati hits in his two frames of work. You wouldn’t know it, but we’ve seen two pitching changes since his exit.

1:41: After a Scott Rolen single advances Reed Johnson to third and ignites the first real Toronto rally, it occurs to me. There have been exactly zero replays today. Is it really that hard to rewind the tape and cue it up? Oh, sorry, I forgot. The game is secondary.

1:42: Matt Stairs drives in Johnson with a single. How ‘bout that? 2-1 Reds. Still no replay.

1:46: The convergence is in full force, as Martine Gaillard gives us a Connected update. So we’ve now seen Sportsnet and FAN personalities appear on CityTV. Thank you, Ted Rogers.

1:56: You know it’s a bland broadcast when the day’s most entertaining moment so far is DiGiulio’s exclusive interview with Chad the Beer Man. I kid you not. This really happened. After Burrill provides some background on Reds’ reliever Mike Stanton and his inclusion in the Mitchell Report, Martineau admits, “You can see my depth of knowledge is an inch deep and a mile wide here.” It’s like watching a train wreck. I can’t turn this off.

1:59: Buck Coats picks up the pace with a two-run home run to right-centre field, during which he circles the bases at full speed with his head down. That’s right, it’s the same Buck Coats the Jays picked up from Cincinnati last August and the very same Buck Coats who’s now the subject of countless softcore porn jokes. According to his Wikipedia page, “he is known for [uttering] his catch phrase, ‘Yeah, baby’ in his southern drawl’.” I’m telling you, this thing writes itself.

2:19: Martineau actually asks Burrill, “Who’s at the plate?” on air in the bottom of the sixth. You can’t make this stuff up. Seconds later, Matt Stairs does it again, smashing a solo homer to right. The blast makes it 4-3 Toronto.

2:28: Kathryn Humphreys, please, enlighten us with some in-depth baseball analysis:

“Alex Rios, or ‘Eye Candy’ as I call him, is not in the lineup today. He is one good-looking fella.”

Ahem.

After a few more declarations of her lust for the outfielder, she interviews him. And by ‘interviews’, I mean ‘blatantly hits on him for five minutes straight’. The hard-hitting questions she throws his way include such gems as:

“Who’s better-looking…you or A-Rod?” When he says he’d give the honour to Rodriguez, she blurts out, “I wouldn’t.”

The best, though, had to be this one:

“If you were a pork chop, what sauce would you smother yourself with?”

Tonight on CityTV Late Night, Kathryn Humphreys stars in “Bats, Balls and the Reporters Who Love Them”. Buck Coats guest stars.

2:45: I’ll admit, I needed about 20 minutes to recover from that. Also of note, we finally have a replay! Good thing it only took eight innings to warm up the VTR deck. In case you’re interested, it’s 6-3 Toronto in the top of the eighth.

2:47: Toronto second baseman Joe Inglett gets an inning-ending force-out and starts his trot into the dugout. Just one problem. There are only two outs. That’s how you impress a manager in spring training, Joe. 6-4 Toronto.

3:01: Back from break, I’ve got good news and bad news. Want the good news first? Inglett just cranked a home run out of Knology Park and it’s now 8-4 in the bottom of the eighth. The bad news? CityTV missed it completely, running a break just a little too long. Would have been a nice moment, too. You know, a little redemption for Inglett after his blunder in the top half.

3:09: If there was even an inkling of hope that the game itself actually mattered to the City crew, that inkling was promptly squashed coming back from a taped Kathryn Humphreys piece.

Humphreys: “What’s going on now, Gord?”

[Awkward period of about five seconds while Humphreys stares at the camera waiting for the truck to cue Martineau.]

Martineau: “Check 1, 2…Yes, we’re back here at Knology Park and the game is over. How about this, Hugh? You blink and the game’s over, huh?”

Wait a second. The game is over? The game is over. This is what happens when you run taped pieces during game action. Have I mentioned I want to thank Ted Rogers?

3:17: Usually after live-blogging, I need a drink and a cold shower. Today would be no different if the broadcast ended here. But no, CityTV is staying in Dunedin. Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…the post-game barbeque for season-ticket holders!

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details. Besides, Lloyd Moseby’s going to hang up on me if I don’t order season tickets in the next five minutes. Welcome back, baseball. Nice to see you again.