Pass the Aspirin: The Return of Ron-Ron and Ricky

“Congratulations, Ron Artest and Ricky Williams. Welcome back into our lives.”

We’ll just go ahead and assume that wasn’t your initial reaction if you happened upon the news that two of the sports world’s most notorious figures were reinstated in their respective leagues yesterday.

Artest’s seven-game suspension for domestic abuse came to an end tonight, as he suited up for the Sacramento Kings in a regular season game for the first time since last spring.

Meanwhile, Ricky Williams was officially reinstated by the National Football League on the same day, after serving an 18-month ban for repeatedly testing positive for marijuana.

Upstanding citizens, aren’t they? It’s not easy to be sympathetic towards two of the most troubled athletes in North America. But while you shouldn’t shed a tear for them, there actually are reasons to trot out the welcome wagon.

Sure, Williams is the ultimate headache, but his return to the winless Miami Dolphins is absolutely what the once proud franchise deserves. Really, from a karmic standpoint, this is exactly what should happen. Think about it. The Dolphins had a chance to give their fans hope in last summer’s NFL draft, but abruptly turned their back on them, passing on promising quarterback Brady Quinn in favour of receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. Despite riding Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino for almost two decades, they could never translate it into a championship or successful run of playoff appearances. This is a poorly run organization, from top to bottom. Don’t believe me? Get Don Shula drunk and ask him.

So after failing to confront Williams’ ongoing drug problems head on for years, they were given his inconsistency and abrasiveness with the media as a reward. The mercurial running back simply isn’t worth the trouble he causes. We know that. They know that. The odd thing is, there are very few things going right with the Dolphins these days, and their running game is one of them. Jesse Chatman has stepped in for the injured Ronnie Brown and delivered fairly consistent numbers. So why the talk of a Ricky Williams-Miami reunion? Because at this point, they get more attention being the laughingstock than the winless team with one promising fill-in.

Normally, headaches are painful and annoying. But in this case? Let’s hope they re-sign him.

And then, there’s Ron-Ron.

Artest’s situation is obviously a little different, considering he was still the property of a professional sports team while he was forced to sit at home and play video games with his entourage. But the most glaring parallel to Williams, of course, is that Artest is also a repeat offender. He was infamously suspended along with eight other players in the now infamous “Malice at the Palace” on Nov. 19, 2004 (we’re five days from the three-year anniversary, in case you don’t have it circled on your calendar). The brawl left a black eye on the game of basketball and spurred wholesale changes in the way the game is now marketed and perceived. Artest, as you may know, was banned for the remainder of the season.

On January 30 of this year, the Sacramento Bee reported that he was “failing to provide proper sustenance” to his dog. And, most recently, there was the domestic abuse charge in March. He was sentenced to 20 days in a county jail and community service, while Kings’ general manger Geoff Petrie suspended him for the first seven games of the season. This is the bad Artest.

The good Artest? That’s the one who’s consistently one of fantasy basketball’s most productive players. It’s the one who was the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year in 2004. It’s the one who released a widely panned rap album. It’s the one who was asked by ESPN The Magazine about appearing in the All-Star game and responded by saying the following:

“They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won’t shoot, but I’ll dominate that easy game. I’ll be playing hard defense. I’ll be foulin’. I’ll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, ‘What are you doing?’”

As volatile and unpredictable as he is, the league needs his personality. Now, it goes without saying that domestic abuse is a horrible crime. Please don’t misunderstand this. But the man has done his time. There’s something to be said for forgiveness, even when we’re dealing with hardly sympathetic figures.

And speaking of figures, I’ll take his statistics any day of the week. Artest’s output in his long-awaited return?

17 points, 6 assists, 3 rebounds, 3 3-pointers, 3 steals, 1 block.

These two men give sports the antagonists they so desperately need. They also provide colour and humour to leagues that all too often take themselves too seriously. Welcome back, Ron and Ricky. You’ve paid your debts to society. May you continue to make us cringe, sigh and laugh all at once.

Despising the Yankees: An October Tradition

Every October, If the New York Yankees have managed to avoid folding like a lawn chair under the pressure of the pennant race, I suddenly transform from a seemingly harmless and objective sports journalist into an idealistic and cynical Yankee hater, campaigning for their imminent demise. I’ve taken this change for granted for years now, but when the final out of Cleveland’s series-clinching 6-4 victory fell into catcher Kelly Shoppach’s glove last night, it struck me. Why had I been so strongly opposed to the game’s flagship franchise and their success?

I was sitting in my living room flanked by my two roommates. One of them, a die-hard Yankees fan, was watching reluctantly because my other roommate had the remote. He couldn’t bare to watch, instead distracting himself with a game on his laptop.

When I had burst in the room about an hour earlier, I reminded him that it could be the last hurrah for long-time manager Joe Torre, among others.

“That’s why I turned it off,” he fired back. “I don’t want to get depressed.” And this was a life-long Yankees fan talking. If it was so bad that he couldn’t even bare to witness it, you can imagine how delighted I was.

During the final out, I tried mightily to hold in the celebration that has always followed such a joyous moment, out of respect for my housemate. As I sat there, containing my bliss, I wondered. Why do I derive such joy out of seeing a baseball team lose?

With the highest payroll in the game year in and year out ($189 million on Opening Day 2007, for example), the Bronx Bombers assume they will challenge for, if not win, the World Series every single season. Is that realistic? Is that fair to the millions of loyal fans across the country, and world? By expecting a title every year, the Yankees repeatedly set themselves up for failure and disappointment, leaving the players unjustly blaming themselves and the fans, like my roommate, fighting depression. Expecting a championship every season will always leave you heartbroken. I know every coach and player says they want nothing less, but deep down, they know it’s a long-shot.

Expecting the unexpected should be what sports are all about. Great teams and dynasties can be good for the game, but not when it takes the gross domestic product of Tonga to get you there. To me, playoff baseball is about drama and excitement. Where’s the fun in seeing the same team spraying champagne every year? Thankfully, after New York’s titles in ‘96, ‘98, ‘99 and ‘00, they’ve been back to the Fall Classic only once, losing in dramatic fashion in ‘01 to Arizona. That very run of four titles in six years was really what sparked this for me in the first place, but unlike so many previously sane friends of mine, I refused to jump on the bandwagon.

Winning every year is too easy. Losing every year is hard. Winning once in a blue moon is terrific. Losing when you expect to win is failure.

Why do we root for underdogs? Sure, it’s a great story. But more importantly, it breaks a pattern. When the team nobody expected to even be in the playoffs knocks off a spoiled, rich perennial contender, it’s amazing. It’s David surprising everyone by slaying Goliath. It’s Appalachian State stunning Michigan. When these things happen, we remember them.

In fact, it all goes back to the playground. No one likes a bully, and the bullies themselves are always the ones with the deepest emotional problems. Just like the Yankees, they’re setting themselves up for constant disappointment and a meaningless existence.

Success and power are elements of the so-called ‘American Way’, but as it turns out, it’s actually possible to live a great life without the “greed is good” mentality.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I can understand the appeal. My father was born and raised in New York City. I’ve been to Yankee Stadium and watched Roger Clemens pitch. I’ve seen the propaganda. I know the history of the league’s most storied franchise like no one else I know. But this is a rift that cuts so deep, it goes beyond family ties and personal experience.

For me, seeing the Yankees logo is often all it takes to flip the switch. But, when you think about it, isn’t that healthy? I’m all for loving everyone and dancing around the Maypole when I’m in Dreamland, but in reality, we need natural rivals. It’s just part of our nature. It’s why Clark Kent has Lex Luthor, or why Luke Skywalker had Darth Vader. It’s why I, for all the reasons stated above, have the Yankees, baseball’s Evil Empire.

I might have been holding in my excitement in the living room last night, but I was ecstatic on the inside. Sure, there are things that give me much more enjoyment in life. You know, significant things and people. But as soon as the calendar flips to October, the anti-Bronx sentiment spreads through my bloodstream like the symbiote in Peter Parker. Then, when it’s all over (culminating in a New York loss, of course), everything returns to normal. The goals of journalistic integrity and objectivity are restored, and there is peace in the land once again.

Until four months later, when every season preview lists the Yankees as the team to beat.

“Who’s NOT?” Final Four and Championship Results

With fans and readers clammoring for any minute tidbit of information regarding the results of the first annual “Who’s NOT?” championship, the jury was under an immense amount of pressure. But the disgraced former athletes of years past came through in the clutch, casting the votes that have now determined once and for all who is the most loathed figure in the sports world. The envelopes were heavily guarded and the lips were all but surgically sealed, and here we are. It is time, ladies and gentlemen, for…

Fine. I’ll just tell you who won.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (3) Adam “Pacman” Jones

Neither of these truly abhored athletes were anywhere close to the headlines in the past week, although the mercurial slugger was mentioned in waiver/trade discussions. After an eventful summer, Jones completely fell off the radar and the NFL has avoided him like the plague as their season approaches. For good reason. While Bonds is periodically sitting out of games, at least he is playing. As a result, he’s still (at least faintly) in the public’s consciousness. Pacman is about as relevant as Mrs. Pac-Man right now. What’s that? She’s making a comeback?

Your semi-final winner: Bonds.

(1) Michael Vick vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

With the news of Vick’s guilty plea buzzing around the sports world and the general news world alike, he was the odds-on favourite to advance here. The number-one seed illicited such a passionate negative reaction from the public that Donaghy’s indiscretions were dwarfed in the process. Sure, no one in NBA circles has forgotten about the disastrous scandal he thrust upon the league, but with training camp a month away and Vick serving as Public Enemy Number One, this one was over before it began. Give Donaghy credit, as he rode the cottails of a shocking, unravelling news story to the semi-finals of this unpopularity contest. After being handed a low seed by the selection committee (considering the magnitude of his story), Donaghy felt shafted and tried hard to bribe his way to a higher ranking. To no avail. He proved a point, that he deserved to be hated more than he initially was. But then he ran into the incomparably detested former Falcons’ quarterback, and there was simply no stopping Vick.

Your semi-final winner: Vick.

So, fitttingly, the 2007 “Who’s NOT?” championship game pitted the top two tournament seeds. We expected them to be here, and they delivered. An accused steroid user versus an accused dogfight conspirator. It was going to be a battle to end all battles. But it wasn’t.

Vick was the overwhelming favourite. After all, people had seen so much coverage of the investigation surrounding him that they were getting sick of it. Sick of a man who, many would argue, brought an excitement and bewilderment level to the game that had not been seen since the heydays of Gale Sayers or Jerry Rice. He brought in non-football fans like only a few have done before, but it would all come crashing down. He went from football hero to societal villain virtually overnight (unless you count giving the finger to fans after the loss to New Orleans last year, which was perhaps the act of a frustrated, scared man who could sense what was coming).

What did we learn from the public Vick backlash? People love dogs. More than human beings. The most interesting thing we learned though, was that most people felt they needed to react with outrage towards him out of fear that any shred of sympathy would label them as evil, animal haters. People in both the media and the general public felt they had to react angrily towards this case because they were scared that their co-workers and friends would consider them to be horrible people otherwise. Of course what he did was absolutely dispicable and utterly deplorable. But this triggered a violent outcry because people were afraid of saying nothing and being labelled as sympathetic to his cause.

Oh, right. The contest.

Your tournament champion: Vick.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Three: The Elite Eight.

The wait is over. The results of the first two rounds of our “Who’s NOT?” competition are in, and it’s time to find out who has qualified for Round Three. Who has inched one step closer to being the most unpopular entity in sports? Without further ado, let’s break it down:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Vick.

The tournament’s top seed has been in the news consistently since this bracket began, and he has now ended all hope for a Selig-Bonds championship final. Vick is more deserving of a Final Four berth than Selig, as he has been a water cooler staple for much of the summer since the investigation into the dogfighting ring he allegedly took part in was made public. The one-time NFL posterboy is negotiating a plea agreement through his legal team which they hope will reduce his punishment and perhaps even allow him to play football this season, as he has not yet been suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell. The bottom line here? Vick is now a fixture in the news for all the wrong reasons. Selig just announced he will not penalize Jason Giambi for the latter’s admission that he knowingly took steroids, but Vick is simply more loathed right now. Both are in hot water for poor decision-making, but Vick’s image is currently in much worse shape.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

Your winner: Bonds.

Owens has been quieter than a mute librarian this off-season, prompting many to wonder if he has actually been abducted and replaced by a docile alien host. Sure, he hated playing for Bill Parcells, a fact he made abundantly clear. But you’d think he would stir the training camp pot just a little. No? Sorry, Terrell. Your run at ultimate hatred ends here. Bonds, you might recall, polarized the baseball world recently by breaking the hallowed all-time homerun mark (you want an asterisk? How about denial? No one wants to touch its legitimacy, at least not in the immediate aftermath). While it might be a touchy subject, one thing is clear. The majority of “sports nation”, if you will, does not favour Barry Bonds. And that’s putting it nicely.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: Jones.

The Human Handful (make that double handful if you’re counting arrests) has done it again and ended MLSE’s dream of being this tournament’s George Mason. Yes, Mr. Jones has been a topic of conversation in the sports world of late because of his forray into the wrestling arena. Well, not exactly, thanks to a quick veto from his NFL employer. When he realized the Titans weren’t going to let him put himself in danger of getting hurt (a.k.a. living his everyday life), he decided it would be better to just talk about it. Or, more accurately, rap about it. This guy is incapable of restoring his image, despite his desperate attempts. All he has to do is serve his time and try to be a respectable human being. We all know that’s not going to happen, which is why he is moving on to the semi-finals.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Your winner: Donaghy.

Tyson entered this event with a ranking that was, in all honesty, higher than many would have expected. As the Donaghy story unravelled (and continues to do so), it became apparent that he would be the giant-killer and Cinderella entry in the field. The latest news that he has now plead guilty to two felony charges gives him a relatively easy win over Tyson, who hasn’t been heard from in months. People are genuinely angry and shocked at Donaghy, and boxing’s most tragic and unfortunate figure has gotten lost in the shuffle. He’s now completely out of the limelight, which might be the best thing for him. As for Donaghy, his fate has only begun to spiral downward. He’s on his way to further shame and is one of the four remaining figures in the first annual “Who’s NOT?” tournament.

So, there’s your Final Four. It’s a competitive group (of disliked personalities, of course). We’re in for a classic showdown of the worst characters the sports world has to offer. Will Jones challenge Bonds to a wrestling match? Will Donaghy alter the outcome of his semi-final tilt with Michael Vick? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Two.

After much deliberation, the jury of disgraced former professional athletes has spoken. The battle to become sports’ most unpopular figure is underway, and while sixteen entities entered the competition, only eight remain. Here’s a recap of the first-round matchups and how they played out:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Your winner: Vick. This was hardly a dogfight (pun intended), as one scandal demolished the other. It’s almost as though sports fans and media alike have completely forgotten about ‘Operation Slapshot’. The same, however, can’t be said for Vick, who is now embroiled in a world of problems. The (former?) quarterback will sit out the entire 2007-08 season, has lost his heap of endorsement deals, and faces an uncertain future of either heavy jail time or simply a mauled reputation (pun intended).

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Your winner: Bonds. Interestingly enough, both of them made news this week. Culpepper found a home with the Oakland Raiders, while Barry-Barry-Quite-Contrary mashed home run number 755 to tie Henry Aaron for the all-time record. Despite Splog contributor Dave Ling’s argument that “at least Barry Bonds is achieving something”, one has to follow that with, “…but is anyone taking him seriously?” While many might be tracking his attempt to taint the game’s history, how many of those people are actually rooting for him? Culpepper’s popularity has risen recently due to his sudden fantasy impact. Bonds is now one step closer to being the ultimate baseball villain. Somewhere, Pete Rose is smiling.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

Your winner: Jones. Kournikova is so far removed from the public eye and Jones was so recently in it that this became an easy decision. Sure, Anna was once immensely popular and now isn’t, but she’s fallen off the map completely (sorry, World Team Tennis fans). Like this tournament’s number-one seed, Jones will miss the entire 2007-08 NFL season and his reputation among fans and media has been sullied thanks to the handful–err–two handfuls of incidents he has been booked for.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

Your winner: Tyson. Yes, he’s a tragic figure. Yes, he’s aging and on the decline. But in a head-to-head matchup with Chile’s under-20 soccer squad, he is clearly still the more unpopular of the two. Are we even talking about Chile’s World Cup incident any more? Didn’t think so. There was a chance for an upset here, but Tyson is still more loathed. Sure, ask Toronto police who they’d pick and you might have a different result, but “Iron” Mike’s fall from grace is still relevant and despite his sad decline, he remains the more unpopular choice.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Your winner? Donaghy. The sharks have started to circle around the former NBA referee, and it’s now only a matter of time before he is brought in and given his punishment. Sherk’s story tagged him with a high dose of unpopularity (much like the high dose of performance-enhancing drugs in his system during the drug test), but it was not nearly enough to overcome the league-shattering crooked ref story. Donaghy’s actions have made him public enemy number one in the NBA, and have opened the floodgates on questions regarding gambling and sports. Fans in Toronto, Phoenix and other cities hurt by Donaghy’s manipulation all agree. It’s Donaghy in a landslide.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: MLSE. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first upset of the bracket. This one sent the judges into overtime, and after hours of heated arguments (Ben Johnson said a few things about the East German swim team that he probably didn’t mean), The Corporation edged out Sheffield by the slimmest of margins. MLSE has repeatedly torn the hearts out of Toronto hockey fans over the last decade, and there is not a more disliked business organization in all of sport, save for the Bay Area Lab Co-operative. Sure, Sheffield is guilty of a few despicable acts and culturally divisive remarks, but we know he’s just craving attention. Plus, he’s a dangerous hitter who has never been linked to drug use. He’s injured right now, so we’re sympathetic. This season, he has managed 23 homeruns, 89 runs scored and a .290 batting average in 101 games. Peddie, Tanenbaum and company have a track record that’s much worse, and a reputation to match.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

Your winner: Owens. This one came oh-so-close to being our second straight upset, but the favourite was able to eke out the victory in the dying seconds. Here’s the thing about this pairing: both of these guys have mended their reputations considerably in the last few months. Rodriguez has stopped (being caught for) his adulterous ways and on-field antics, instead letting his 500th career home run do the talking. He’s now the youngest ever to reach the feat, and people seem to have forgotten the infamous trip to Toronto earlier this season, along with his status as baseball’s spoiled brat. Owens is interesting because he has become popular for being unpopular. This off-season has been his quietest to date, but with A-Rod basking in positive vibes, T.O. wins this tight first-round affair by a hair.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Selig. The 8-9 matchups are always hard to handicap, and this one was no different. Bryant is a loathed NBA star, but his whining and desire to leave the Lakers has apparently died down. Selig, on the other hand, finds himself smack dab in the middle of the headlines as Barry Bonds approaches the all-time home run record. His George Mitchell-led investigation of steroids in the game has not moved quickly enough, and it appears the history books will be tarnished before the FBI makes any more headway in the case. Selig never does what is right for the game, despite what he might tell the public. He does what the public expects him to do, and rides the “crusade against drugs” P.R. wave until it fades back into the ocean of baseball news stories. The problem? It won’t. The other problem? If he really wanted to get drugs out of the game, he would have done it years ago when instead, he looked the other way and watched the money bags roll in.

So there you have it. The round of sixteen is in the books and it’s on to the Elite Eight. Here’s a breakdown of the second-round bracket:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Be sure to check back next week to find out who will move on to the Final Four. It promises to be an unpopularity contest for the ages.

“Who’s NOT?” Round One.

For those of you who may not be aware, ESPN is currently running a little gimmick they have tabbed “Who’s NOW?”. For all intents and purposes, of course, it’s a glorified popularity contest designed to get fans excited about the hottest athletes in the news today. It’s basically their way of measuring hype, while quietly and simultaneously researching who their fan base craves more.

Thousands of fans have voted thus far, with typically disappointing results. If All-Star Game voting has taught us anything, it’s that fans, as a group, are unreliable. They knocked out a dominant Roger Federer in favour of a pedestrian Tony Parker-Longoria, after all. Don’t try to justify it…you can’t. It boggles the mind. So instead, we invite you to take part in our own version. We’re calling it “Who’s NOT?”, and it’s the exact opposite of ESPN’s contest. The goal of this game is to determine, once and for all, who is the most unpopular athlete, sports figure or organization of the moment. The format is a simple four-round bracket of sixteen. Here are your matchups:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Being involved in a scandal is almost a prerequisite for this tournament, and it just so happens that both of these men have been investigated by the F.B.I. Vick has been dogged (pun intended) by the feds on suspicion of organizing dog fights across state lines. The former poster-boy of the National Football League has a history of run-ins with the law, but his previous indiscretions were nothing like this. If convicted, and it’s all but a certainty given the reported evidence against him, he could serve serious jail time. Not only would it derail a franchise player’s once-promising career, but it has already brought a dark cloud over the entire league, regardless of the outcome. The second-highest paid player in the NFL and endorsement hound (pun intended) is watching it all slip away. His judgement day is Thursday.

Tocchet will appear in court on August 17 after his role in ‘Operation Slapshot’, an illegal gambling ring, was exposed last year. He has pleaded guilty and will look to have his sentence reduced as a result. Sure, the former assistant coach of the Phoenix Coyotes is unpopular now, but was he ever well-liked in the first place?

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Bonds is just two home runs from tying Henry Aaron’s all-time record of 755, but you wouldn’t know it. Many are choosing to turn a blind eye to his tainted accomplishments. While he has never admitted it publicly, we all know he has been linked to steroid use and other performance-enhancing drugs. His former trainer is locked up for not talking about it, which should be seen as an obvious denial. Also, he’s probably more abrasive to the media than anyone in sports right now; coach, player or otherwise. As Toronto radio host Bob McCown said, “He’s a cheater and a jerk.” No argument here. Don’t forget, he tried to steal the spotlight from the consensus “greatest player of all-time”, Willie Mays, during the latter’s All-Star Game tribute earlier this month. There’s just nothing to like about Barry. He does little to help his own cause.

Daunte Culpepper’s career has resembled one of his passes of late. Both are spiralling downward. The former Minnesota Vikings starter has now fallen out of favour with not one, but two organizations as he has been released by the Miami Dolphins. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Not that Culpepper was ever “mighty”, but he was once considered to be among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Two years ago, he set the Vikings all-time record for touchdowns in a season with 39. But after the Dolphins signed veteran Trent Green in June, it was clear they had lost confidence in the oft-injured Culpepper. Numerous knee surgeries later, and after several attempts to trade him have failed, he is now an unrestricted free agent. Will anyone take a flyer on this enigma?

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

It’s game over for Pacman, after NFL commissioner Roger Godell handed Jones a one-year suspension back in May. Jones loses his entire 2007-08 paycheque as a result, and he must apply for reinstatement to the league, much like the Ricky Williams case. Jones was never a household name for his football prowess, but has instead become widely known as a repeat offender. He has reportedly been involved in ten (count ‘em, ten) incidents which have required police questioning. The most recent of these events took place during the NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, when he was charged with both a felony and misdemeanor after a fight and shooting at a strip club that left a man paralyzed. If there was any doubt about his status as a 3-seed in this bracket, we hope it has now been removed.

Anna Kournikova. You’re thinking, “There’s a name from the past.” Well it really wasn’t too long ago. Anna was once the most downloaded athlete on the planet (although some might argue about the use of the term ‘athlete’) and many became tennis fans overnight just to watch her skid around Wimbledon or sweat it out at Roland Garros. Well, it turns out she was spending a little too much time milking her modeling and endorsement career, because whatever tennis ability she had faded, and with it, so did her spot in the public eye. We still remember those magazine spreads and cameos at NHL games (remember when she had a thing for flashy Russian hockey players?), but we’ll never think of her as an athlete. Perhaps that’s why she belongs on this shameful stage. Hey, at least she’s back in the conversation.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

“Iron” Mike Tyson was once the most feared boxer since Muhammad Ali. He was the youngest ever to win a world heavyweight title belt. Then, he went nuts. The Tyson we know today is a far cry from the young version. A rape conviction, a bloody ear, his 2005 retirement from the pros (which came about seven years too late) and his massive debt accumulation transformed him from a respected fighter into a truly tragic figure. The question is, are we sympathetic to his plight? Sure, he was manipulated by slimeball promoter Don King. But he made a series of poor choices along the way (including associating with King in the first place). It’s hard to feel sorry for Tyson.

Chile’s under-20 national soccer squad was riding high after earning a spot in the World Cup semi-final. After a 3-0 loss to Argentina, though, all hell broke loose. Reports indicated that several members of the team got into it with Argentinian fans and then Toronto police while boarding the bus leaving the stadium. Two photographers from the Canadian Press later confirmed they heard yelling near the bus. What followed might not seem so unusual for the majority of soccer fans (“A soccer riot? How unexpected!”), but Chile’s clash with rival fans and local law enforcement left a black mark on an otherwise successful FIFA tournament in Canada. We can only wonder what the Czech Republic and Argentina have in store for the finale.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Donaghy has the advantage of being the most recent story of the entire bracket. Only days ago, the New York Post reported that the former National Basketball Association referee allegedly had ties to the Gambino crime family, was himself a gambler with a mountain of debt, and as a result, affected the outcomes of games he officiated. This is absolutely devastating news for the NBA, commissioner David Stern, league director of officiating Ronnie Nunn and fans alike. Officials have been accused of point shaving and manipulating contests for years, but there has never been any evidence. Until now. Sports writers across the continent who have been crying foul about the league’s horrendous officiating are now being vindicated. Donaghy is just one man, and he is suspected of fixing games over just the last two seasons, but this could be the first domino in a lengthy investigation and NBA officials will have to face the music and pay the price.

Ultimate fighting has been gaining popularity, but is still not accepted in the mainstream media as a legitimate sport (or even a legal one in some jurisdictions). Sean Sherk’s positive steroid test following UFC 73 isn’t going to help. Sherk was found to have traced of nandrolone metabolite, a banned substance, in his system following his bout with Hermes Franca on July 7. Sherk was crowned champion of the lightweight division after beating Franca, but now faces a suspension and fine. Worse, though, is the fact that his reputation as a clean fighter is now damaged forever. Franca also tested positive for a banned substance after the fight. However, Sherk was the champion who is now on the outside looking in.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Sheffield is no stranger to controversy, and the always confrontational outfielder has stirred up trouble three times this season. First, there was the uproar over his remarks about Latin players. In the June issue of GQ magazine, he claimed that black players are less prevalent in baseball now because they are harder to control than Latinos and players of other ethnic backgrounds. Then, there was an on-field incident last month in which he threw a piece of a splintered bat at umpire Greg Gibson, revealing to the Detroit News afterwards that he told Gibson, “Last time I checked, I paid for the bat. I can throw it any way I want.” Finally, and most recently, Sheffield told ESPN’s Andrea Kremer that Joe Torre treated his white and black players differently. Is he just an angry man who craves attention? Or is there a shred of truth in either of his two shocking statements? His on-field actions make it hard to buy into his off-field beliefs.

Bring up Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment around a Canadian sports fan and you’ll be lucky to avoid injury. The consortium of local businessmen in charge of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors and their facility (among other properties) have long been loathed by fans across the nation and even those within the Greater Toronto Area. Richard Peddie, Larry Tanenbaum and the gang have repeatedly made moves in the interest of maintaining successful businesses rather than committing to producing winning franchises. From foolishly ridiculous contracts to poor management hiring decisions, the Board has continually let down its fan base and the city of Toronto as a whole. Sure, they have added the expansion Toronto FC to the city’s already vibrant sports scene, and the club has been a remarkable success in its inaugural campaign, but that has nothing to do with ownership. MLSE cares most about the bottom line, and they always will.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

T.O. would probably be seeded higher if not for a stunningly quiet off-season (by his standards, of course). Sure it’s only late July, and training camp is just getting rolling. But we have yet to hear him call out teammates or coaches in the media, or see him doing reps in his driveway amid a throng of salivating reporters. He always has a flair for the over-dramatic, though, so maybe he’s just planning something huge. You watch him because you never know what he’ll do next. When he’s not being a selfish, loud, cranky clipboard carrier, he’s entertaining. The thing about Owens is, he can be on this list or ESPN’s version and no one will question it.

By now, you probably know about Alex Rodriguez’s trip to Toronto a while back. It didn’t go so well. One “MINE!” and one mysterious unidentified blonde woman later, A-Rod was front page news in tabloids and respected publications across North America. But he was well on his way to being hated before his Yankees pulled into Pearson. His descent towards being abhorred by fans began the day Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks inked him to a $252 million contract. From that day forward, he had a billing he could not possibly live up to. Sure, he may some day break the all-time home run record and may be headed for Cooperstown, but that contract branded him with pressure that no baseball player in history save for Jackie Robinson could have handled. Now, he’s starting to crack. Off the field, of course. On it, he’s mashing the ball like he has something to prove.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Casual sports fans and neophytes alike know the tale of Kobe Bryant. The way he forced Shaquille O’Neal out of Los Angeles, the way he coaxed Phil Jackson out of retirement and subsequently tainted his legacy, the way he spent his free time in Colorado in between games (isn’t he lucky she dropped the case?) and finally, the way he pouted to a few random fans with a camera about how terrible the current Lakers are. Yes, L.A.’s management has made some bonehead moves, but perhaps the biggest was believing Bryant would carry the franchise on his own. He has become a giant headache, and all of the above actions plus his YouTube-style trade demands make him one of sports most despised athletes.

Bud Selig. Where do we begin? This could be a column in itself, but we’ll try to keep it concise. It’s obvious now that Selig knew about the steroid problem in his game and looked the other way as the dollars were rolling in. We know this for a fact. He is clearly only “fighting” steroid use in baseball to avoid a public relations disaster. He has to appear to be trying to save the game, but the current policy is weak by international standards. He created this monster, didn’t slay it when he had the chance, and now it’s out of control. Selig now has to deal with Bonds, the epitome of his years of ignorance toward banned substances, approaching the most cherished record in baseball. Selig’s boyhood hero growing up in Milwaukee? Hank Aaron. Talk about karma. Selig is getting what he deserves, but it will be at the expense of the game’s history.

This championship will be hotly contested. I’m sure you can already spot a few upsets in the making. Also, there’s no doubt a few notable figures didn’t qualify for the tournament (Floyd Landis lost the play-in game to Tocchet). For a full view of our bracket, click here. Make sure to comment below and have your voice heard. The battle for the most loathsome figure in sports has begun. Who will it be? Come back soon to find out.

Check the Ticker…With One Eye Covered

I love the ticker. I hate the ticker. I love the ticker. I hate the ticker.

Every sports fan knows the agony, joy and temptation caused by that single line at the bottom of their television screen. Chances are you’ve developed a love/hate relationship with it. For me, every ticker memory I have falls into one of three categories:

The Broken Elevator Cable: You miss that all-important game and are so worried about a season-ending defeat that you start to get butterflies in your stomach. You burst into the room and flick on the tube. Then comes the calm before the storm, as you sit there, tapping your foot nervously while the scores roll around. Finally, the elevator cable snaps as your game flashes on the screen.

Them 6
Us 5

You feel guilty about missing such a critical game, even it was for your cousin’s wedding (or, of course, the standard family dinner that your parents convince you to attend because “you won’t see your relatives for a long time after this…until next weekend.”) Soon, the guilt leaves and you’re left searching frantically for the highlights and an answer to the question, “How the hell did that happen?”

But finding them just makes it worse. [I've come to realize that actually watching the game and losing is much better than missing it, catching a few clips and sound bytes and wondering what happened in between.] The cable car plummets further down the shaft and then hits rock bottom as it suddenly dawns on you: either a. the season is over, b. your team now faces an insurmountable deficit, or c. although you rarely bet, you decided this one time to place a large sum on the game thinking it was a mortal lock and you just lost it all.

The Non-Sexual Happy Ending: You debated all night between your best friend’s birthday bash and the most important game of the season before finally deciding to head out for the night. The bars you hit up don’t have televisions and if they do, they’re showing a movie on TBS or MuchMusic videos. You stumble home, burst in the door (knocking over at least one plant along the way) and collapse on your bed, ready to pass out. You’re all but unconscious when it hits you.

“OH MY GOD, THE GAME!”

The TV flicks on and you scan the sports channels to see who still has a ticker going at 4 a.m. [Remember, this includes memories from before the internet era when scores were less instantaneous, and also before the all-night-and-all-morning highlight show era.] You’re seeing double, but you’re seeing the scores, and that’s all that counts. After a few minutes, you can feel it coming and it gets to your sport. Then, it flashes on screen.

“WE WON! WE F&@#ING WON!”

Call me lame, call me a loser, call me whatever you want. But I will use this opportunity to admit that I have Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” on my computer for times like this. You just can’t duplicate the moment, and hearing the song takes me back to every other time it happened and the euphoria experienced in those early morning hours, half-drunk, fist-pumping and yelling without anyone in ear shot. There’s a small tinge of “I should have been a better fan and stayed home for this,” but the sheer joy of the result (and the alcohol left flowing through your veins) drowns it out. When the evening began, you had a dilemma. In the end, you had a great night of bonding with your buddies AND your team pulled out the crucial victory. It doesn’t get any sweeter.

The Hiroshima: The previous two are caused by scores of games you know are coming. With this one, though, there is no way to prepare. It can happen any time, and it will. Sooner or later, and without warning, the bomb will drop. Examples of the Hiroshima include: blockbuster trades, arrests, positive drug tests, injury diagnoses, free agent signings, motorcycle accidents, hirings, firings, milestones and broken records.

If we could catch every important game, we would. But the reality is, we have lives and things will inevitably come up. When they do, the ticker will be right there to keep us on the edge of our seat. Or, it will catch us completely off guard. Either way, we’ll keep an eye on it, waiting for that breaking story that changes everything.

Pump Up the Jam: A Tribute to Music in Sports

Last week, I had an idea. My thought process went something like this:

“I should write about changes I would make as commissioner of the NBA.”

Turns out it was great. [Scroll down a bit to read it.] But the last change I recommended (“cut the music during gameplay”) went a tad overboard. In case it was unclear, what I actually meant to propose was getting rid of the remixes of Top 40 songs during game action, not the accompanying tunes which augment and enhance the in-game experience so well. Music has always had a place in the sports world, and the coupling of jams and jocks has been a (mostly) successful marriage for decades.

So in light of this little misunderstanding, I thought I would make up for it by expressing my love for sports music in a little tribute. Here are some of the most memorable examples of music used at sporting events since the first instruments and PA systems were permitted in stadiums across the land. They aren’t ranked, because it’s an apples-and-oranges kind of thing. Different leagues, eras and contexts. Let’s get to the tunes. Enjoy.

“The Brass Bonanza” (Hartford Whalers, WHA, NHL). If you ever played NHLPA Hockey ‘93 for the Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis, you know this tune. I had this one stuck in my head for days on end back then and after listening to it again on the official “Brass Bonanza” website, the memories have been rekindled. There’s even an extended version for those hardcore Bonanza buffs. The big band sound was sorely lacking in NHL arenas until Jack Say’s gem came along, and thanks to the internet, it doesn’t have to go away.

“Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. No trip to the ballpark is complete without the time honoured seventh-inning stretch, and Jack Norworth’s 1908 composition still rings out to this day. The song has been covered by numerous bands and artists (Vince Guaraldi for the Peanuts gang, Jacqueline Schwab and Dr. John for the Ken Burns series, King Curtis and of course the parade of celebrities at Wrigley Field) but its most appealing quality is the fact that it encourages fan participation. I still remember the first time I sang it at a Major League game.

“Roundball Rock”, the NBA on NBC theme song. Just thinking about it sends shivers down your spine. Admit it. We’re all ashamed to love this tune (because it’s written by John Tesh) but it’s just too good. Watch this clip and tell me you don’t have visions of Knicks/Pacers, Bulls/Jazz or Lakers/Blazers:

I would venture as far as to say this could be the greatest non-hockey sports television theme ever. ABC elected not to buy the rights to the tune when they took over the national weekly NBA broadcasts, and nothing they have tried has come close to getting us on the edge of our seats the way “Roundball Rock” did so often. It even made its way into pop culture, when Tesh was a guest on Late Night with Conan O’Brien:

“The Super Bowl Shuffle” (1985 Chicago Bears). It was cheesy. It was contrived. It was a bunch of tone-deaf athletes making fools of themselves. But it was a glimpse at the lighter side of an intensely focused, Mike Ditka-coached machine. Give me a thousand reasons why this song/video was terrible, and I’ll give you the very same thousand for why it was tremendous. Watch it and try not to lose it when you hear the legend, Walter Payton say, “They call me ‘Sweetness’ and I like to dance/Running the ball is like makin’ romance.”

You can’t possibly keep a straight face watching punter Maury Buford (#8) playing the cowbell. It’s just not possible.

“Sweet Georgia Brown”, the Harlem Globetrotters theme. Truly a classic, this Brother Bones tune would join “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as the first inductees into the Sports Music Hall of Fame (if such a place existed). The song’s appeal lies in its playfulness, simplicity and care-free whistling. Everyone has a Globetrotters story, and their song, like the team itself, has endured for decades.

“Gonna Fly Now” (The Rocky films). Bill Conti composed the track for the 1976 Best Picture award-winning “Rocky”, and never let us forget the title character’s rise to the top of those steps in Philadelphia (and his figurative rise to the top of the boxing world). DeEtta Little and Nelson Pigford supplied those chilling background vocals while the underdog trained mercilessly. The now famous scene, of course, climaxes with Rocky ascending the Philadelphia Museum of Art and raising his arms in victory (like I had to tell you that). This is an example of the perfect marriage between music and sports, but it’s more than that. It’s a milestone in cinematic scoring, and a truly inspiring moment we’ll never forget.

The “Hockey Night in Canada” theme. Known simply as “The Hockey Theme”, it was written by Dolores Claman (of “Ontari-ari-o” fame) in 1968. Start playing this song and I guarantee vivid childhood memories of late nights, ponds, and playoffs will start to flow. Every Canadian (every true Canadian, anyway) can hum or whistle the tune, and many have called it the nation’s “other” national anthem. Whether you’re from the Foster Hewitt or Bob Cole eras, you can’t say anything bad about this song in a crowd and expect to survive. It is beloved not only because it brings us back to those great games and memories of the past, but also because it continues to take us to new heights every time we hear it.

Those are just a few legendary musical contributions to the sports world. There are many more, and here’s hoping you thought of a few while reading this. Until next time, keep humming, whistling and singing along.

Commissioner For a Day: NBA Edition

Congratulations! You’ve just been hired as the new commissioner of the National Basketball Association. Enjoy your spacious new office, the fourteen secretaries and the Rolodex of VIPs. You have been given the power to change the league. What would you do? Here’s my plan:

1. Ammend the infamous coming-off-the-bench rule. Since it’s fresh in everyone’s mind, we might as well start here. Even the most nonchalant sports fans remember where they were on November 19, 2004 when the Pistons/Pacers brawl erupted in Auburn Mills, Michigan. People tend to forget that this melee gave birth to the controversial rule suspending players for one game should they leave the bench while not officially on the floor. The rule itself was a typical over-reaction by the league office as well as a P.R.-motivated move by a league looking to do the right thing. Much like the five-second delay following the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident, league brass acted quickly and irrationally when instituting this rule, and it shows.

In principle, you can see the validity of it. But in practice, as we saw in Game 4 of the Western Conference Semifinals, it goes too far. Phoenix Suns starters Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire simply came to the defense of teammate Steve Nash, who was given a cheap shot by Spurs Robert Horry. Sure, they left the bench. But Tim Duncan did the very same thing and the league didn’t flinch. Bottom line: you cannot suspend a player for walking on to the court. Players walk on to the court constantly and there is a better way to police it.

Suspend players for physical altercations (read: punching other players, shoving officials). Walking on to the court when not officially entered in the game is worthy of a technical foul. A second offense should be an automatic fine and one-game suspension.

2. Goodbye, soft salary cap. Hello, common sense. As it stands now, the NBA has a salary cap system in place, but teams can still exceed the spending limit and pay a luxury tax. So, basically, there is only the illusion of a cap. The only reason a hard cap doesn’t exist right now is that the players’ union, one of the strongest unions in North America, wouldn’t agree to the full system during the last round of negotiations and the league compromised. That’s understandable, but it’s time for a change. Look at the New York Knicks. With an astronomical team payroll of $139 million, they nearly tripled the 2006-07 limit of $53 million. Someone needs to put a lid on the free-spending owners of NBA franchises who crumble in front of player agents and offer the moon rather than risk losing their star. A hard cap will do this. Get rid of the luxury tax altogether and create a salary cap of $60 million for 2007-08. This takes into account a rise in payroll next season (an expected cap of about $55 million) as well as the mid-level exception ($5 million this past year) which allows teams to sign a player even if they’ve exceeded or met the limit. If a team’s transaction takes them over 60.0, it is rejected by the league office. This way, you avoid the heap of ridiculous contracts that have handcuffed so many franchises in the last decade while creating a level playing field and fostering competitive balance around the league. Union boss Billy Hunter would have to be swayed, but we’ll throw him a bone by extending the maximum length of player contracts from six years to seven. Look what the hard cap has done for the NHL. That’s really all the evidence you need.

3. Bring back the real fan. Now that the general managers aren’t worried about making a gazillion dollars in gate revenue to pay for their mistakes, we can lower ticket prices and open our doors once again to the true NBA fans. Escalating salaries had locked out the families, the working class and the lifelong (read: senior) supporters who followed the team in the days before their court was called the TD Banknorth Garden or Quicken Loans Arena. But thanks to change #2, we can now make going to an NBA game affordable again. Sure, there will still be corporate support. It’s absolutely essential. But you will need to dust off your earplugs, because NBA arenas won’t ever again sound like the public library. Good, hard-working people will be able to get great seats and you won’t need to know a suit to sit low on the floor. Welcome back, folks.

4. Cut the music during gameplay. This has to be done out of respect for the game of basketball. We all love music, but it has a time and place, and that is during breaks in the action. Today’s NBA doesn’t need to be about bombarding fans with music, P.A. announcer antics and sound effects. The game should speak for itself. The NHL has it right, as they stop music the second that play resumes. The best NBA cities fan-wise (Oakland, Salt Lake City, Chicago and New York City, to name a few) don’t need to be told when to chant “DEFENSE” or clap to a familiar rhythm. They understand the game and don’t need to be told what to do and when. They just know. A good crowd will rile itself up.

Well, my time as commissioner is coming to a close, but it’s been a great tenure. Here’s hoping these changes give us the league we all deserve.

Start Your (Search) Engines

Just as true fans and journalists alike spend hours perusing box scores, one of the best parts of having a blog is getting a look at the statistics. I’m not going to lie. Seeing the search engine terms entered by users randomly surfing the web and happening upon this small slice of the internet has become a truly entertaining pastime. Some people come in search of the blog itself and others look for topics addressed here. Then, of course, there are completely random and often hilarious queries. So rather than continuing to enjoy them for myself, it’s time to share the best user searches of the week.

7. “Rick Aguilera AND Mormon”. After I wrote this Memory Lane piece about Game Six of the 1986 World Series back in late March, the searches started pouring in. This game has an appeal unlike any other in baseball history. Yes, there have been more memorable individual moments (Thomson, Mays, Mazeroski, Fisk, Carter, etc.), but this game stands alone as a masterpiece (of comedy and tragedy) from start to finish. As for Aguilera, I did indeed mention that he was a devout Mormon and apparently, people are interested in this kind of thing.

6. “Greg Smyth hockey”. This one came after the Memory Lane feature on the Halifax Citadels. I can’t imagine who would be looking for details on an obscure hockey journeyman like Greg Smyth, but maybe his family just had some free time. He did spend time in the NHL with Philadelphia, Quebec, Toronto, Florida, Chicago and Calgary, so it’s entirely possible that he has a cult following.

5. “Who won the 1986 World Series?”. Another classic search grabbing hold of the first Memory Lane piece. What surprised me was the way this one was worded. The thing about that series was it was more about who lost it than who was ultimately victorious. Also, I can understand if a casual fan or baseball neophyte doesn’t know what happened, but I would have just typed in the event and read up on the result. It’s actually better this way though, because we know exactly what was going through the seacher’s mind.

4. A dead heat between “Bob McCown Rogers commercials music” and “Bob McCown Rogers commercials song”. Honorable mention to “Prime Time Sports simulcast theme”. These types of searches have been so regular that I might have to actually investigate. It appears that in this day and age of information overload (and with overwhelming interest in the radio show covered in this corner of the blogosphere) there is even a fan base for the soundtracks to both PTS and McCown’s Sportsnet ads. I have to admit, I have been caught bobbing my head or humming along with them, but I’ve never had the urge to find them online.

3. “Worst sports media personnel”. I don’t even feel like I need to say anything here. This one really speaks for itself. Seriously though, all kidding aside, I’m really not sure how this led the searcher here. I have a great deal of respect for the “sports media personnel” dealt with in these pages. The fact that people are looking for the worst is amusing, but they’ve clearly made a wrong turn if they expect to find them here.

2. “Marijuana Raptors”. I laughed out loud when I saw this one. I mean, come on. Really, people? These two words don’t exactly go hand in hand (“Welcome back to Word Association…your word, Tim, is…Raptors.”) Somewhere out there sits a very bored and probably hungry individual.

1. “Great Moments in Gospel Music, Vol. 2″. Can I get an amen from the congregation? This one also had me in stitches. Testify! I just wish I could have seen the look on their face when they found “Great Moments in Televised Radio, Vol. 2″. What a difference a couple of words make. Hey, it must have been alright, because the religious reader stuck around to read it.

This is going to have to be a recurring segment now. Until next time, may your searches bring you what you’re looking for (and maybe a little curveball along the way).