Stop the Presses! Wade Belak Comes Alive.

Every four years, the calendar takes a leap. Every four years, the Olympic Summer Games are held. Every four years, we see something so unique that we’re able to sit back and appreciate it for what it really is. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to get out the anti-eclipse eyewear because tonight, Wade Belak entered rarified air.

For the first time since December 20, 2003, Belak accomplished the unfathomable. The one-man punchline scored a goal.

Belak looked as surprised as anyone this evening after his shot at 2:48 of the third period found its way through Nashville Predators goaltender Chris Mason.

Nobody saw this coming. To say that the 31-year old was expected to join the offensive resurgence currently being enjoyed by Mats Sundin and Nik Antropov would be foolish. But interestingly, this qualifies as an offensive explosion for Belak, who now has just two goals fewer than $20 million free-agent signee Jason Blake. Belak will earn the monumental sum of $625,000 this season. Talk about getting bang for your buck.

The winger known for his penchant for the sin bin was grinning from ear to ear on the bench following his oh-so-improbable flash of offensive prowess, and for good reason. His career-high in the goal-scoring department came in 2004-05 with the Conventry Blaze in jolly old England, where he somehow managed to erupt for seven goals. Belak has never scored more than three goals in an NHL season. The next time he lights the lamp, we could be living in a very different world.

Of course, the Maple Leafs will still be searching for their first Stanley Cup since 1967. John Ferguson, Jr.? He’ll have joined the ranks of Leaf infamy that include such unsavoury figures as Harold Ballard, Mike Murphy and Rob Ramage.

But wait a minute. Belak is 31. His goals come about as often as an airborne swine. There’s a good chance we may never see this again. So savour the moment, people. Bask in the glow of a Leafs club that’s been temporarily spared from the guillotine. Because that may have been the eighth and final goal of Wade Belak’s career.

Remember where you were.

Pass the Aspirin: The Return of Ron-Ron and Ricky

“Congratulations, Ron Artest and Ricky Williams. Welcome back into our lives.”

We’ll just go ahead and assume that wasn’t your initial reaction if you happened upon the news that two of the sports world’s most notorious figures were reinstated in their respective leagues yesterday.

Artest’s seven-game suspension for domestic abuse came to an end tonight, as he suited up for the Sacramento Kings in a regular season game for the first time since last spring.

Meanwhile, Ricky Williams was officially reinstated by the National Football League on the same day, after serving an 18-month ban for repeatedly testing positive for marijuana.

Upstanding citizens, aren’t they? It’s not easy to be sympathetic towards two of the most troubled athletes in North America. But while you shouldn’t shed a tear for them, there actually are reasons to trot out the welcome wagon.

Sure, Williams is the ultimate headache, but his return to the winless Miami Dolphins is absolutely what the once proud franchise deserves. Really, from a karmic standpoint, this is exactly what should happen. Think about it. The Dolphins had a chance to give their fans hope in last summer’s NFL draft, but abruptly turned their back on them, passing on promising quarterback Brady Quinn in favour of receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. Despite riding Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino for almost two decades, they could never translate it into a championship or successful run of playoff appearances. This is a poorly run organization, from top to bottom. Don’t believe me? Get Don Shula drunk and ask him.

So after failing to confront Williams’ ongoing drug problems head on for years, they were given his inconsistency and abrasiveness with the media as a reward. The mercurial running back simply isn’t worth the trouble he causes. We know that. They know that. The odd thing is, there are very few things going right with the Dolphins these days, and their running game is one of them. Jesse Chatman has stepped in for the injured Ronnie Brown and delivered fairly consistent numbers. So why the talk of a Ricky Williams-Miami reunion? Because at this point, they get more attention being the laughingstock than the winless team with one promising fill-in.

Normally, headaches are painful and annoying. But in this case? Let’s hope they re-sign him.

And then, there’s Ron-Ron.

Artest’s situation is obviously a little different, considering he was still the property of a professional sports team while he was forced to sit at home and play video games with his entourage. But the most glaring parallel to Williams, of course, is that Artest is also a repeat offender. He was infamously suspended along with eight other players in the now infamous “Malice at the Palace” on Nov. 19, 2004 (we’re five days from the three-year anniversary, in case you don’t have it circled on your calendar). The brawl left a black eye on the game of basketball and spurred wholesale changes in the way the game is now marketed and perceived. Artest, as you may know, was banned for the remainder of the season.

On January 30 of this year, the Sacramento Bee reported that he was “failing to provide proper sustenance” to his dog. And, most recently, there was the domestic abuse charge in March. He was sentenced to 20 days in a county jail and community service, while Kings’ general manger Geoff Petrie suspended him for the first seven games of the season. This is the bad Artest.

The good Artest? That’s the one who’s consistently one of fantasy basketball’s most productive players. It’s the one who was the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year in 2004. It’s the one who released a widely panned rap album. It’s the one who was asked by ESPN The Magazine about appearing in the All-Star game and responded by saying the following:

“They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won’t shoot, but I’ll dominate that easy game. I’ll be playing hard defense. I’ll be foulin’. I’ll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, ‘What are you doing?’”

As volatile and unpredictable as he is, the league needs his personality. Now, it goes without saying that domestic abuse is a horrible crime. Please don’t misunderstand this. But the man has done his time. There’s something to be said for forgiveness, even when we’re dealing with hardly sympathetic figures.

And speaking of figures, I’ll take his statistics any day of the week. Artest’s output in his long-awaited return?

17 points, 6 assists, 3 rebounds, 3 3-pointers, 3 steals, 1 block.

These two men give sports the antagonists they so desperately need. They also provide colour and humour to leagues that all too often take themselves too seriously. Welcome back, Ron and Ricky. You’ve paid your debts to society. May you continue to make us cringe, sigh and laugh all at once.

A Double Dose of the Incredible

We interrupt the thrilling “Who’s NOT?” championship to bring you a couple of bizarre yet remarkable achievements.

You may have heard about Mike Flynt. If not, it’s worth mentioning. The 59 year-old Flynt made (inter)national headlines this week for earning a spot on Division III Sul Ross State’s football roster, 37 years after being kicked out of school and off the team. If Rick Ankiel is the best example of redemption we’ve seen this summer, Flynt’s story has to be a close second. Sure, he hasn’t done anything in game action yet, but the mere act of qualifying for the squad has sent thousands of middle-aged men off to the gym to renew their long-expired memberships.

Some might argue that it’s just a lame attempt at getting a cash-strapped school some national exposure. But P.R. tactics aside, it’s a script right out of Hollywood. Don’t believe me? Read it for yourself and check out his story. Unbelievable stuff. Besides, it’s not about whether Flynt stars or even starts. It’s about the fact that a guy with six years to go until social security kicks in is giving it the old college try.

Now, on to the second item. By now, you’ve probably seen the highlights of tonight’s game between the Texas Rangers and Baltimore Orioles. Texas amassed (really, there’s no better way to describe it) a grand total (okay, that’s not bad) of thirty runs this evening. Thirty. Let’s take a moment and put that in perspective. No team in major league history had done this since 1897. That’s 110 years. Yes, over a century. The previous 30-run barrage took place six years BEFORE the first World Series.

There are two sad yet hilarious tidbits to take from this historic night in Maryland. One was the fact that the home team actually led 3-0 before the floodgates opened and the Rangers etched themselves permanently in baseball lore. For game recaps, MLB.com generally lays out the stories of each club side by side to provide a balanced view. Tonight, there was a stark contrast in spin from the beat writers of the two sides. Texas’ headline predictably read, “Rangers break record”. Baltimore’s was as follows:

“Pen falls apart in sixth”.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Understatement of the Year.

Straight from the “You Have GOT to be Kidding Me” department comes the other bit of tragic comedy we saw tonight. It was, of course, the incredibly unlikely fact that this game was the first of a double-header. That’s right. Minutes after the legendary onslaught was finally brought to an end, the two clubs trotted out and played another one. One can only imagine how demoralizing it must have been to start (let alone finish) another game after the biggest humiliation since the year Walter Winchill was born. If Michael Young had shouted Ernie Banks’ old line, “Let’s play two!” anywhere in the vicinity of the Baltimore dugout, he might have been instantly mauled by the entire Orioles’ bench. There was no shortage of cruel irony on this unforgettable night.

These two stories were enough to bump the “Who’s NOT?” Final Four results, but only temporarily. The jury is nearly done deliberating and the winners will be announced within the next 48 hours. Keep it here to find out who is moving on and who is not quite bad enough. But while you’re eagerly anticipating the announcement, take a second to sit back and reflect on these two remarkable stories. Let the numbers 59 and 30 sink in. You might never see them in this context again.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Three: The Elite Eight.

The wait is over. The results of the first two rounds of our “Who’s NOT?” competition are in, and it’s time to find out who has qualified for Round Three. Who has inched one step closer to being the most unpopular entity in sports? Without further ado, let’s break it down:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Vick.

The tournament’s top seed has been in the news consistently since this bracket began, and he has now ended all hope for a Selig-Bonds championship final. Vick is more deserving of a Final Four berth than Selig, as he has been a water cooler staple for much of the summer since the investigation into the dogfighting ring he allegedly took part in was made public. The one-time NFL posterboy is negotiating a plea agreement through his legal team which they hope will reduce his punishment and perhaps even allow him to play football this season, as he has not yet been suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell. The bottom line here? Vick is now a fixture in the news for all the wrong reasons. Selig just announced he will not penalize Jason Giambi for the latter’s admission that he knowingly took steroids, but Vick is simply more loathed right now. Both are in hot water for poor decision-making, but Vick’s image is currently in much worse shape.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

Your winner: Bonds.

Owens has been quieter than a mute librarian this off-season, prompting many to wonder if he has actually been abducted and replaced by a docile alien host. Sure, he hated playing for Bill Parcells, a fact he made abundantly clear. But you’d think he would stir the training camp pot just a little. No? Sorry, Terrell. Your run at ultimate hatred ends here. Bonds, you might recall, polarized the baseball world recently by breaking the hallowed all-time homerun mark (you want an asterisk? How about denial? No one wants to touch its legitimacy, at least not in the immediate aftermath). While it might be a touchy subject, one thing is clear. The majority of “sports nation”, if you will, does not favour Barry Bonds. And that’s putting it nicely.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: Jones.

The Human Handful (make that double handful if you’re counting arrests) has done it again and ended MLSE’s dream of being this tournament’s George Mason. Yes, Mr. Jones has been a topic of conversation in the sports world of late because of his forray into the wrestling arena. Well, not exactly, thanks to a quick veto from his NFL employer. When he realized the Titans weren’t going to let him put himself in danger of getting hurt (a.k.a. living his everyday life), he decided it would be better to just talk about it. Or, more accurately, rap about it. This guy is incapable of restoring his image, despite his desperate attempts. All he has to do is serve his time and try to be a respectable human being. We all know that’s not going to happen, which is why he is moving on to the semi-finals.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Your winner: Donaghy.

Tyson entered this event with a ranking that was, in all honesty, higher than many would have expected. As the Donaghy story unravelled (and continues to do so), it became apparent that he would be the giant-killer and Cinderella entry in the field. The latest news that he has now plead guilty to two felony charges gives him a relatively easy win over Tyson, who hasn’t been heard from in months. People are genuinely angry and shocked at Donaghy, and boxing’s most tragic and unfortunate figure has gotten lost in the shuffle. He’s now completely out of the limelight, which might be the best thing for him. As for Donaghy, his fate has only begun to spiral downward. He’s on his way to further shame and is one of the four remaining figures in the first annual “Who’s NOT?” tournament.

So, there’s your Final Four. It’s a competitive group (of disliked personalities, of course). We’re in for a classic showdown of the worst characters the sports world has to offer. Will Jones challenge Bonds to a wrestling match? Will Donaghy alter the outcome of his semi-final tilt with Michael Vick? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

“Who’s NOT?” Round One.

For those of you who may not be aware, ESPN is currently running a little gimmick they have tabbed “Who’s NOW?”. For all intents and purposes, of course, it’s a glorified popularity contest designed to get fans excited about the hottest athletes in the news today. It’s basically their way of measuring hype, while quietly and simultaneously researching who their fan base craves more.

Thousands of fans have voted thus far, with typically disappointing results. If All-Star Game voting has taught us anything, it’s that fans, as a group, are unreliable. They knocked out a dominant Roger Federer in favour of a pedestrian Tony Parker-Longoria, after all. Don’t try to justify it…you can’t. It boggles the mind. So instead, we invite you to take part in our own version. We’re calling it “Who’s NOT?”, and it’s the exact opposite of ESPN’s contest. The goal of this game is to determine, once and for all, who is the most unpopular athlete, sports figure or organization of the moment. The format is a simple four-round bracket of sixteen. Here are your matchups:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Being involved in a scandal is almost a prerequisite for this tournament, and it just so happens that both of these men have been investigated by the F.B.I. Vick has been dogged (pun intended) by the feds on suspicion of organizing dog fights across state lines. The former poster-boy of the National Football League has a history of run-ins with the law, but his previous indiscretions were nothing like this. If convicted, and it’s all but a certainty given the reported evidence against him, he could serve serious jail time. Not only would it derail a franchise player’s once-promising career, but it has already brought a dark cloud over the entire league, regardless of the outcome. The second-highest paid player in the NFL and endorsement hound (pun intended) is watching it all slip away. His judgement day is Thursday.

Tocchet will appear in court on August 17 after his role in ‘Operation Slapshot’, an illegal gambling ring, was exposed last year. He has pleaded guilty and will look to have his sentence reduced as a result. Sure, the former assistant coach of the Phoenix Coyotes is unpopular now, but was he ever well-liked in the first place?

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Bonds is just two home runs from tying Henry Aaron’s all-time record of 755, but you wouldn’t know it. Many are choosing to turn a blind eye to his tainted accomplishments. While he has never admitted it publicly, we all know he has been linked to steroid use and other performance-enhancing drugs. His former trainer is locked up for not talking about it, which should be seen as an obvious denial. Also, he’s probably more abrasive to the media than anyone in sports right now; coach, player or otherwise. As Toronto radio host Bob McCown said, “He’s a cheater and a jerk.” No argument here. Don’t forget, he tried to steal the spotlight from the consensus “greatest player of all-time”, Willie Mays, during the latter’s All-Star Game tribute earlier this month. There’s just nothing to like about Barry. He does little to help his own cause.

Daunte Culpepper’s career has resembled one of his passes of late. Both are spiralling downward. The former Minnesota Vikings starter has now fallen out of favour with not one, but two organizations as he has been released by the Miami Dolphins. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Not that Culpepper was ever “mighty”, but he was once considered to be among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Two years ago, he set the Vikings all-time record for touchdowns in a season with 39. But after the Dolphins signed veteran Trent Green in June, it was clear they had lost confidence in the oft-injured Culpepper. Numerous knee surgeries later, and after several attempts to trade him have failed, he is now an unrestricted free agent. Will anyone take a flyer on this enigma?

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

It’s game over for Pacman, after NFL commissioner Roger Godell handed Jones a one-year suspension back in May. Jones loses his entire 2007-08 paycheque as a result, and he must apply for reinstatement to the league, much like the Ricky Williams case. Jones was never a household name for his football prowess, but has instead become widely known as a repeat offender. He has reportedly been involved in ten (count ‘em, ten) incidents which have required police questioning. The most recent of these events took place during the NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, when he was charged with both a felony and misdemeanor after a fight and shooting at a strip club that left a man paralyzed. If there was any doubt about his status as a 3-seed in this bracket, we hope it has now been removed.

Anna Kournikova. You’re thinking, “There’s a name from the past.” Well it really wasn’t too long ago. Anna was once the most downloaded athlete on the planet (although some might argue about the use of the term ‘athlete’) and many became tennis fans overnight just to watch her skid around Wimbledon or sweat it out at Roland Garros. Well, it turns out she was spending a little too much time milking her modeling and endorsement career, because whatever tennis ability she had faded, and with it, so did her spot in the public eye. We still remember those magazine spreads and cameos at NHL games (remember when she had a thing for flashy Russian hockey players?), but we’ll never think of her as an athlete. Perhaps that’s why she belongs on this shameful stage. Hey, at least she’s back in the conversation.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

“Iron” Mike Tyson was once the most feared boxer since Muhammad Ali. He was the youngest ever to win a world heavyweight title belt. Then, he went nuts. The Tyson we know today is a far cry from the young version. A rape conviction, a bloody ear, his 2005 retirement from the pros (which came about seven years too late) and his massive debt accumulation transformed him from a respected fighter into a truly tragic figure. The question is, are we sympathetic to his plight? Sure, he was manipulated by slimeball promoter Don King. But he made a series of poor choices along the way (including associating with King in the first place). It’s hard to feel sorry for Tyson.

Chile’s under-20 national soccer squad was riding high after earning a spot in the World Cup semi-final. After a 3-0 loss to Argentina, though, all hell broke loose. Reports indicated that several members of the team got into it with Argentinian fans and then Toronto police while boarding the bus leaving the stadium. Two photographers from the Canadian Press later confirmed they heard yelling near the bus. What followed might not seem so unusual for the majority of soccer fans (“A soccer riot? How unexpected!”), but Chile’s clash with rival fans and local law enforcement left a black mark on an otherwise successful FIFA tournament in Canada. We can only wonder what the Czech Republic and Argentina have in store for the finale.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Donaghy has the advantage of being the most recent story of the entire bracket. Only days ago, the New York Post reported that the former National Basketball Association referee allegedly had ties to the Gambino crime family, was himself a gambler with a mountain of debt, and as a result, affected the outcomes of games he officiated. This is absolutely devastating news for the NBA, commissioner David Stern, league director of officiating Ronnie Nunn and fans alike. Officials have been accused of point shaving and manipulating contests for years, but there has never been any evidence. Until now. Sports writers across the continent who have been crying foul about the league’s horrendous officiating are now being vindicated. Donaghy is just one man, and he is suspected of fixing games over just the last two seasons, but this could be the first domino in a lengthy investigation and NBA officials will have to face the music and pay the price.

Ultimate fighting has been gaining popularity, but is still not accepted in the mainstream media as a legitimate sport (or even a legal one in some jurisdictions). Sean Sherk’s positive steroid test following UFC 73 isn’t going to help. Sherk was found to have traced of nandrolone metabolite, a banned substance, in his system following his bout with Hermes Franca on July 7. Sherk was crowned champion of the lightweight division after beating Franca, but now faces a suspension and fine. Worse, though, is the fact that his reputation as a clean fighter is now damaged forever. Franca also tested positive for a banned substance after the fight. However, Sherk was the champion who is now on the outside looking in.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Sheffield is no stranger to controversy, and the always confrontational outfielder has stirred up trouble three times this season. First, there was the uproar over his remarks about Latin players. In the June issue of GQ magazine, he claimed that black players are less prevalent in baseball now because they are harder to control than Latinos and players of other ethnic backgrounds. Then, there was an on-field incident last month in which he threw a piece of a splintered bat at umpire Greg Gibson, revealing to the Detroit News afterwards that he told Gibson, “Last time I checked, I paid for the bat. I can throw it any way I want.” Finally, and most recently, Sheffield told ESPN’s Andrea Kremer that Joe Torre treated his white and black players differently. Is he just an angry man who craves attention? Or is there a shred of truth in either of his two shocking statements? His on-field actions make it hard to buy into his off-field beliefs.

Bring up Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment around a Canadian sports fan and you’ll be lucky to avoid injury. The consortium of local businessmen in charge of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors and their facility (among other properties) have long been loathed by fans across the nation and even those within the Greater Toronto Area. Richard Peddie, Larry Tanenbaum and the gang have repeatedly made moves in the interest of maintaining successful businesses rather than committing to producing winning franchises. From foolishly ridiculous contracts to poor management hiring decisions, the Board has continually let down its fan base and the city of Toronto as a whole. Sure, they have added the expansion Toronto FC to the city’s already vibrant sports scene, and the club has been a remarkable success in its inaugural campaign, but that has nothing to do with ownership. MLSE cares most about the bottom line, and they always will.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

T.O. would probably be seeded higher if not for a stunningly quiet off-season (by his standards, of course). Sure it’s only late July, and training camp is just getting rolling. But we have yet to hear him call out teammates or coaches in the media, or see him doing reps in his driveway amid a throng of salivating reporters. He always has a flair for the over-dramatic, though, so maybe he’s just planning something huge. You watch him because you never know what he’ll do next. When he’s not being a selfish, loud, cranky clipboard carrier, he’s entertaining. The thing about Owens is, he can be on this list or ESPN’s version and no one will question it.

By now, you probably know about Alex Rodriguez’s trip to Toronto a while back. It didn’t go so well. One “MINE!” and one mysterious unidentified blonde woman later, A-Rod was front page news in tabloids and respected publications across North America. But he was well on his way to being hated before his Yankees pulled into Pearson. His descent towards being abhorred by fans began the day Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks inked him to a $252 million contract. From that day forward, he had a billing he could not possibly live up to. Sure, he may some day break the all-time home run record and may be headed for Cooperstown, but that contract branded him with pressure that no baseball player in history save for Jackie Robinson could have handled. Now, he’s starting to crack. Off the field, of course. On it, he’s mashing the ball like he has something to prove.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Casual sports fans and neophytes alike know the tale of Kobe Bryant. The way he forced Shaquille O’Neal out of Los Angeles, the way he coaxed Phil Jackson out of retirement and subsequently tainted his legacy, the way he spent his free time in Colorado in between games (isn’t he lucky she dropped the case?) and finally, the way he pouted to a few random fans with a camera about how terrible the current Lakers are. Yes, L.A.’s management has made some bonehead moves, but perhaps the biggest was believing Bryant would carry the franchise on his own. He has become a giant headache, and all of the above actions plus his YouTube-style trade demands make him one of sports most despised athletes.

Bud Selig. Where do we begin? This could be a column in itself, but we’ll try to keep it concise. It’s obvious now that Selig knew about the steroid problem in his game and looked the other way as the dollars were rolling in. We know this for a fact. He is clearly only “fighting” steroid use in baseball to avoid a public relations disaster. He has to appear to be trying to save the game, but the current policy is weak by international standards. He created this monster, didn’t slay it when he had the chance, and now it’s out of control. Selig now has to deal with Bonds, the epitome of his years of ignorance toward banned substances, approaching the most cherished record in baseball. Selig’s boyhood hero growing up in Milwaukee? Hank Aaron. Talk about karma. Selig is getting what he deserves, but it will be at the expense of the game’s history.

This championship will be hotly contested. I’m sure you can already spot a few upsets in the making. Also, there’s no doubt a few notable figures didn’t qualify for the tournament (Floyd Landis lost the play-in game to Tocchet). For a full view of our bracket, click here. Make sure to comment below and have your voice heard. The battle for the most loathsome figure in sports has begun. Who will it be? Come back soon to find out.