Everywhere Indeed: Live-Blogging CityTV’s Foray into Baseball

Sometimes in life, things just happen for a reason. Sunday afternoon, the unintentional comedy gods were smiling on us, as Toronto’s CityTV took a crack at broadcasting baseball.

On the diamond, you’d expect the Cincinnati Reds and Toronto Blue Jays to provide the typical Grapefruit League fare. But thanks to Gord Martineau and company, there was nothing typical about it.

12:25: The tension is palpable as we await the opening of the broadcast. There hasn’t been this much anticipation for a spring training game since, well, ever. It should be mentioned that because of Ted Rogers’ intriguing choice to put a spring training game on a local non-sports station, Major League Baseball has moved the start time up to 12:35 EDT. That’s right. The powers that be in the league office bowed to Rogers (owner of one of its franchises, overall media magnate and brand-new owner of CityTV). Aren’t we all better off for it? Get the popcorn ready, folks. Here it comes…

12:32: Our first glimpse of spring training, City-style, looks fairly normal. That is, until CityTV personality Jennifer Valentyne trots out to sing the Canadian anthem. The former Toronto Argonauts cheerleader is singing the anthem in slow-motion. Super slow-motion. Looks like she’s teaching the crowd the lyrics.

12:35: The opening throw to the booth couldn’t have gone any smoother, right? The first thing we hear is Kathryn Humphreys unknowingly uttering the following words with her mic on:

“Am I doing this here?” This is going to be a great afternoon.

12:36: Hugh Burrill and Martineau will provide the play-by-play and colour commentary this afternoon. Burrill’s introduction of the lineups isn’t much better than Humphreys’ opening gaffe. As he stumbles over the players’ names, the director throws in a graphic that looks like it was borrowed from the Dupont Network.

12:40: Thank you, Ted Rogers. Martineau throws it down to Barb DiGiulio of the FAN 590. The live hit passes without incident, and her energy and confidence make the City crew look like the chess club.

“We’re at a baseball game? Oh, darn, I forgot my spectacles! Remembered my pocket protector though.”

12:54: It’s clear now that this broadcast is a public relations vehicle the size of a Hummer limo. Jays president Paul Godrey steps into the booth to hawk season tickets in the game’s opening moments, and the commercials are nothing more than ticket-pushing spots from various spots around the Rogers Centre and beyond. In the top of the second inning, a booth conversation with the club’s events co-ordinator (about the post-game barbeque, no less) is interrupted by a triple to the gap in left-centre field by Reds’ farmhand Chris Dickerson. Oh, right, there’s a ballgame going on.

1:09: Finally, some genuine class on the broadcast. The FAN’s Jerry Howarth stops by in the top of the third. It’s great to see and hear Jerry again, as we finally get some real baseball analysis. Howarth breaks down what he expects from the pitching staff and new additions Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. So, to recap, the best elements of the broadcast so far have been Howarth and DiGiulio, both FAN personalities. Coincidence? Hardly. Let’s turn this into a real baseball broadcast, shall we? Where’s Mike Wilner?

1:21: Speaking of real baseball talk, Burrill has settled in nicely despite his lack of play-by-play experience. Martineau, on the other hand, is a complete mess. On Reds’ manager Dusty Baker:

“I remember Dusty when he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers and Tommy Lasorda was managing.”

Gord, that was 1976.

So far, we’ve seen Duane Ward and Lloyd Moseby selling tickets in the commercials. Why not have a former Jay in the booth doing the colour commentary? I guess that would just make too much sense.

1:27: Humphreys gets another shot at redemption as they throw it to her again. She’s with reliever Jeremy Accardo, outside what looks like the ballpark’s men’s room. Kathryn, please, just let the man go. We don’t need a bladder injury before Opening Day.

1:31: The third inning ends quietly. Oh, in case you’re wondering, it’s 2-0 Reds thanks to a two-run double by Cincinnati’s Jay Bruce back in the second inning. The Jays have just one hit on the afternoon (a single by Aaron Hill in the bottom of the third). Starter A.J. Burnett allowed the game’s two runs along with three Cincinnati hits in his two frames of work. You wouldn’t know it, but we’ve seen two pitching changes since his exit.

1:41: After a Scott Rolen single advances Reed Johnson to third and ignites the first real Toronto rally, it occurs to me. There have been exactly zero replays today. Is it really that hard to rewind the tape and cue it up? Oh, sorry, I forgot. The game is secondary.

1:42: Matt Stairs drives in Johnson with a single. How ‘bout that? 2-1 Reds. Still no replay.

1:46: The convergence is in full force, as Martine Gaillard gives us a Connected update. So we’ve now seen Sportsnet and FAN personalities appear on CityTV. Thank you, Ted Rogers.

1:56: You know it’s a bland broadcast when the day’s most entertaining moment so far is DiGiulio’s exclusive interview with Chad the Beer Man. I kid you not. This really happened. After Burrill provides some background on Reds’ reliever Mike Stanton and his inclusion in the Mitchell Report, Martineau admits, “You can see my depth of knowledge is an inch deep and a mile wide here.” It’s like watching a train wreck. I can’t turn this off.

1:59: Buck Coats picks up the pace with a two-run home run to right-centre field, during which he circles the bases at full speed with his head down. That’s right, it’s the same Buck Coats the Jays picked up from Cincinnati last August and the very same Buck Coats who’s now the subject of countless softcore porn jokes. According to his Wikipedia page, “he is known for [uttering] his catch phrase, ‘Yeah, baby’ in his southern drawl’.” I’m telling you, this thing writes itself.

2:19: Martineau actually asks Burrill, “Who’s at the plate?” on air in the bottom of the sixth. You can’t make this stuff up. Seconds later, Matt Stairs does it again, smashing a solo homer to right. The blast makes it 4-3 Toronto.

2:28: Kathryn Humphreys, please, enlighten us with some in-depth baseball analysis:

“Alex Rios, or ‘Eye Candy’ as I call him, is not in the lineup today. He is one good-looking fella.”

Ahem.

After a few more declarations of her lust for the outfielder, she interviews him. And by ‘interviews’, I mean ‘blatantly hits on him for five minutes straight’. The hard-hitting questions she throws his way include such gems as:

“Who’s better-looking…you or A-Rod?” When he says he’d give the honour to Rodriguez, she blurts out, “I wouldn’t.”

The best, though, had to be this one:

“If you were a pork chop, what sauce would you smother yourself with?”

Tonight on CityTV Late Night, Kathryn Humphreys stars in “Bats, Balls and the Reporters Who Love Them”. Buck Coats guest stars.

2:45: I’ll admit, I needed about 20 minutes to recover from that. Also of note, we finally have a replay! Good thing it only took eight innings to warm up the VTR deck. In case you’re interested, it’s 6-3 Toronto in the top of the eighth.

2:47: Toronto second baseman Joe Inglett gets an inning-ending force-out and starts his trot into the dugout. Just one problem. There are only two outs. That’s how you impress a manager in spring training, Joe. 6-4 Toronto.

3:01: Back from break, I’ve got good news and bad news. Want the good news first? Inglett just cranked a home run out of Knology Park and it’s now 8-4 in the bottom of the eighth. The bad news? CityTV missed it completely, running a break just a little too long. Would have been a nice moment, too. You know, a little redemption for Inglett after his blunder in the top half.

3:09: If there was even an inkling of hope that the game itself actually mattered to the City crew, that inkling was promptly squashed coming back from a taped Kathryn Humphreys piece.

Humphreys: “What’s going on now, Gord?”

[Awkward period of about five seconds while Humphreys stares at the camera waiting for the truck to cue Martineau.]

Martineau: “Check 1, 2…Yes, we’re back here at Knology Park and the game is over. How about this, Hugh? You blink and the game’s over, huh?”

Wait a second. The game is over? The game is over. This is what happens when you run taped pieces during game action. Have I mentioned I want to thank Ted Rogers?

3:17: Usually after live-blogging, I need a drink and a cold shower. Today would be no different if the broadcast ended here. But no, CityTV is staying in Dunedin. Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…the post-game barbeque for season-ticket holders!

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details. Besides, Lloyd Moseby’s going to hang up on me if I don’t order season tickets in the next five minutes. Welcome back, baseball. Nice to see you again.

The First Annual State of the Blog Address

It’s a writer’s worst nightmare. The application’s open. The hands are on the keyboard. The page is blank.

Lately, this space has been more neglected than Shawn Kemp’s children, but it wasn’t for lack of effort. The orange was squeezed, but no juice came out. So why now have the floodgates suddenly opened? After scrapping one post after another since the last calendar year, it finally dawned on me.

Write about not writing.

The last post? That ancient artifact came on December 30. That’s right, over six weeks ago. A funk of mythical proportions? Not quite. It can always be worse (isn’t that right, Pat Riley?). Still, this slump has been almost Vancouver Grizzly-esque.

But there hasn’t been much to write about, right? Let’s see. Earlier this month, we had one of the greatest Super Bowls in history. Then, Roger Clemens and Andy Pettite came under congressional scrutiny for their alleged (and in Pettite’s case, now acknowledged) steroid use. On and off the hardcourt, we’ve seen one of the most memorable half-seasons in NBA history. Shaq, Pau Gasol, Jason Kidd and Mike Bibby have changed addresses. The trade deadline is Thursday. As in, tomorrow. Don’t forget this past weekend’s All-Star festivities, which reacquainted the world with its most culturally and musically vibrant city. Even hockey has been interesting, with its own trade deadline fast approaching and a wild, parity-inspired free-for-all in the standings.

So I have no excuse. It was an action-packed six weeks. Plenty to discuss. Analyze. Applaud. Chide. Why then, was nothing produced?

The reason I took up shop in this humble corner of the blogosphere in the first place was to provide a different take on things. It was in the old sub-heading (“Sports Blogging From a New Perspective”) and the mission statement. Today’s sports media has become increasingly saturated and repetitive. When I was offered the sports section of a local paper by a family member recently, I responded, “That’s okay. I’ve already read all the AP stories somewhere else and the columns are available online.” Hmm.

The point is, by the time I sit down to weigh in on the issues of the moment, chances are my ‘unique’ point of view has already been covered elsewhere. Offering something new is near impossible, because of the sheer volume and scope of opinions in the mainstream media and Blogsville alike.

And wouldn’t it be too easy (and somewhat pointless) to merely recap the stories and offer a sentence or two of one’s own take? That may be fine for some, but it’s not the goal of this particular piece of electronic real estate.

I’ve been coaxed by a friend and fellow blogger to write more. My problem, and perhaps the inherent problem which arose as a product of the mission statement, is that I won’t settle. Doing something for the sake of doing it isn’t enough. The idea is to provide content you don’t see on ESPN.com. I believe there’s more to the story than what you see on SI.com, FOXSports.com or CBS Sportsline.

Up until this point, I’ve accomplished that. This blog has worked wonders for my opinion writing muscle. And that’s exactly the goal. Same old, same old is unacceptable. It insults your intelligence and awareness of current affairs. You already know what happened last night. You saw the goal. The watched the congressional hearing. You high-fived your dog after the buzzer-beater. It’s not productive to summarize the news just to see the hit total for today rise to a new record.

It’s actually a little early for a State of the Blog address. The one-year anniversary of The Splog doesn’t arrive until next month. But blank pages and half-written, scrapped pieces aren’t good enough. So here we are.

By the way, don’t think I’m missing the irony in the fact that not writing is the subject that ultimately got me back on the page. This is an issue we as journalists and bloggers need to address.

We’re second-guessers by nature. We never stop wondering if the ideas we articulate will be interesting enough, or, frankly, if anyone even cares.

But I don’t choose content based on what I believe people will want to read. Provoking thought is important but providing something new is paramount.

Journalism teaches us to focus on what matters to people. What people care about. Well, whether or not you care about this website or the world of sports doesn’t really matter to its author.

In the end, what matters is the purpose of your work. I’d guess that about one quarter of this site’s readers have a blog of their own, or some form of written expression.

I’d be interested to know why you decided to start writing online. Is it an outlet? A soapbox? A networking tool? The rise of blogs and online journals has been great for freedom of speech, but what we’re left with is a sea of banality with a small group of eloquent fish rising to the surface. It’s usually subjective but the best of the best offer something you don’t read in the Big Pond. That’s all I set out to do, and whether that’s being accomplished is up to you.

So the next time you stop by, don’t be disappointed if it’s been a while between posts. It’s for the best.

The state of the blog is strong. Thanks for reading.

[Applause]

There Is No Joy in Glanville

Those of you who frequent ESPN.com on your daily tour of the interweb may have came across former Major League Baseball player Doug Glanville’s stirring guest column on the website today.

If you haven’t, it’s certainly worth your time. Why?

For one, this is one of, if not the first example of a clean pedestrian player speaking out and lamenting the now public dishonest nature of the league he played an integral part in for nearly a decade. Sure, we’ve seen Curt Schilling’s thoughts on the issue, but he’s in the spotlight on a regular basis.

Glanville’s voice is unique and we identify with it because he isn’t superhuman. He describes himself as “a singles hitter with a good glove”, which is accurate. He wasn’t a flashy player or a slugging demigod. Doug Glanville, by all accounts (including his own), was an honest, hard-working, average Major League Baseball player. He also happens to be an Ivy League graduate, and his column is what one might expect from someone of his educational background.

With eloquence, passion and remorse, he provides a perspective that all members of society can understand.

Glanville served as the union representative for the Philadelphia Phillies and often volunteered his time to such charitable causes as the Corporate Alliance for Drug Education. But as he points out, he was never one to preach or villify a teammate for their choice. He points the finger not at the individual but at society as a whole.

So what can you take from it? Well, in the wake of the Mitchell Report, and with many of the game’s fallen heroes clutching to the “mistake” copout and clinging to nervous denials, it’s refreshing to hear a new point of view. One that doesn’t necessarily represent that of the common man (these are still millionaire professional athletes, remember), but that of an average baseball player questioning not just his former co-workers, but the culture in which he lives. While many of his peers resorted to banned substances and other equally unethical performance aids, Glanville stood by what he believed in. His message may come off as preachy or self-indulgent, but guess what? He has the right to be.

He says he played clean, and unlike all those fallen folk heroes who have fed you the same old party line, there’s something different about this voice.

You believe him.

Hold the Mayo: USC Gets Shakespearean

“O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name.” – William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II.

Well, so much for that. Clearly, Percy Romeo Miller (known in the rap world as Lil’ Romeo) didn’t heed that advice, as the Associated Press reported today that he has signed a letter of intent to play basketball at the University of Southern California.

Miller’s father is none other than hip-hop mogul and NBA training camp fixture Master P. The younger Miller is considered to be a top-15 prep point guard, according to one recruiting service.

“Getting a college scholarship is more important than winning an American Music Award, and I plan to be the best student-athlete I can be at USC,” he said.

(But a Grammy Award? Now that’s an honour.)

So a wealthy teenage rap star is going to university to play basketball. How is this not a terribly flawed plan?

Let’s see. Tours. Recording contracts. Publicity commitments. Two-a-days. Training camp. Homework? Practice. Stop me if I’m making too much sense.

Sports and music make strange bedfellows, Romeo. Just ask Dad, who attended several training camps as a non-roster invitee in hopes of catching on with an NBA club (most notably with the Raptors), but never could. Sure, you might have a step or two on the old man. Sure, you might be a prized local recruit. And sure, we know your intentions may be good.

But can this possibly work?

As nice as this story is from a public relations standpoint (kid millionaire values education and sport), how realistic is it that a. he’ll be able to put aside his rap career during the season and that b. it won’t be a distraction to the team? He’s still itching for fame and fortune, just in another kind of arena.

Miller can’t possibly dedicate enough of his time to both commitments. Either the record company complains to the school or, more likely, vice versa.

It just can’t end well. We’d like to see it work out, for both interested parties. But let’s be realistic. What do you think, Shakespeare?

“Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied; and vice sometimes by action dignified.” – Act II, Scene III.

Maybe Willy was on to something.

Pass the Aspirin: The Return of Ron-Ron and Ricky

“Congratulations, Ron Artest and Ricky Williams. Welcome back into our lives.”

We’ll just go ahead and assume that wasn’t your initial reaction if you happened upon the news that two of the sports world’s most notorious figures were reinstated in their respective leagues yesterday.

Artest’s seven-game suspension for domestic abuse came to an end tonight, as he suited up for the Sacramento Kings in a regular season game for the first time since last spring.

Meanwhile, Ricky Williams was officially reinstated by the National Football League on the same day, after serving an 18-month ban for repeatedly testing positive for marijuana.

Upstanding citizens, aren’t they? It’s not easy to be sympathetic towards two of the most troubled athletes in North America. But while you shouldn’t shed a tear for them, there actually are reasons to trot out the welcome wagon.

Sure, Williams is the ultimate headache, but his return to the winless Miami Dolphins is absolutely what the once proud franchise deserves. Really, from a karmic standpoint, this is exactly what should happen. Think about it. The Dolphins had a chance to give their fans hope in last summer’s NFL draft, but abruptly turned their back on them, passing on promising quarterback Brady Quinn in favour of receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. Despite riding Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino for almost two decades, they could never translate it into a championship or successful run of playoff appearances. This is a poorly run organization, from top to bottom. Don’t believe me? Get Don Shula drunk and ask him.

So after failing to confront Williams’ ongoing drug problems head on for years, they were given his inconsistency and abrasiveness with the media as a reward. The mercurial running back simply isn’t worth the trouble he causes. We know that. They know that. The odd thing is, there are very few things going right with the Dolphins these days, and their running game is one of them. Jesse Chatman has stepped in for the injured Ronnie Brown and delivered fairly consistent numbers. So why the talk of a Ricky Williams-Miami reunion? Because at this point, they get more attention being the laughingstock than the winless team with one promising fill-in.

Normally, headaches are painful and annoying. But in this case? Let’s hope they re-sign him.

And then, there’s Ron-Ron.

Artest’s situation is obviously a little different, considering he was still the property of a professional sports team while he was forced to sit at home and play video games with his entourage. But the most glaring parallel to Williams, of course, is that Artest is also a repeat offender. He was infamously suspended along with eight other players in the now infamous “Malice at the Palace” on Nov. 19, 2004 (we’re five days from the three-year anniversary, in case you don’t have it circled on your calendar). The brawl left a black eye on the game of basketball and spurred wholesale changes in the way the game is now marketed and perceived. Artest, as you may know, was banned for the remainder of the season.

On January 30 of this year, the Sacramento Bee reported that he was “failing to provide proper sustenance” to his dog. And, most recently, there was the domestic abuse charge in March. He was sentenced to 20 days in a county jail and community service, while Kings’ general manger Geoff Petrie suspended him for the first seven games of the season. This is the bad Artest.

The good Artest? That’s the one who’s consistently one of fantasy basketball’s most productive players. It’s the one who was the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year in 2004. It’s the one who released a widely panned rap album. It’s the one who was asked by ESPN The Magazine about appearing in the All-Star game and responded by saying the following:

“They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won’t shoot, but I’ll dominate that easy game. I’ll be playing hard defense. I’ll be foulin’. I’ll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, ‘What are you doing?’”

As volatile and unpredictable as he is, the league needs his personality. Now, it goes without saying that domestic abuse is a horrible crime. Please don’t misunderstand this. But the man has done his time. There’s something to be said for forgiveness, even when we’re dealing with hardly sympathetic figures.

And speaking of figures, I’ll take his statistics any day of the week. Artest’s output in his long-awaited return?

17 points, 6 assists, 3 rebounds, 3 3-pointers, 3 steals, 1 block.

These two men give sports the antagonists they so desperately need. They also provide colour and humour to leagues that all too often take themselves too seriously. Welcome back, Ron and Ricky. You’ve paid your debts to society. May you continue to make us cringe, sigh and laugh all at once.

A Double Dose of the Incredible

We interrupt the thrilling “Who’s NOT?” championship to bring you a couple of bizarre yet remarkable achievements.

You may have heard about Mike Flynt. If not, it’s worth mentioning. The 59 year-old Flynt made (inter)national headlines this week for earning a spot on Division III Sul Ross State’s football roster, 37 years after being kicked out of school and off the team. If Rick Ankiel is the best example of redemption we’ve seen this summer, Flynt’s story has to be a close second. Sure, he hasn’t done anything in game action yet, but the mere act of qualifying for the squad has sent thousands of middle-aged men off to the gym to renew their long-expired memberships.

Some might argue that it’s just a lame attempt at getting a cash-strapped school some national exposure. But P.R. tactics aside, it’s a script right out of Hollywood. Don’t believe me? Read it for yourself and check out his story. Unbelievable stuff. Besides, it’s not about whether Flynt stars or even starts. It’s about the fact that a guy with six years to go until social security kicks in is giving it the old college try.

Now, on to the second item. By now, you’ve probably seen the highlights of tonight’s game between the Texas Rangers and Baltimore Orioles. Texas amassed (really, there’s no better way to describe it) a grand total (okay, that’s not bad) of thirty runs this evening. Thirty. Let’s take a moment and put that in perspective. No team in major league history had done this since 1897. That’s 110 years. Yes, over a century. The previous 30-run barrage took place six years BEFORE the first World Series.

There are two sad yet hilarious tidbits to take from this historic night in Maryland. One was the fact that the home team actually led 3-0 before the floodgates opened and the Rangers etched themselves permanently in baseball lore. For game recaps, MLB.com generally lays out the stories of each club side by side to provide a balanced view. Tonight, there was a stark contrast in spin from the beat writers of the two sides. Texas’ headline predictably read, “Rangers break record”. Baltimore’s was as follows:

“Pen falls apart in sixth”.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Understatement of the Year.

Straight from the “You Have GOT to be Kidding Me” department comes the other bit of tragic comedy we saw tonight. It was, of course, the incredibly unlikely fact that this game was the first of a double-header. That’s right. Minutes after the legendary onslaught was finally brought to an end, the two clubs trotted out and played another one. One can only imagine how demoralizing it must have been to start (let alone finish) another game after the biggest humiliation since the year Walter Winchill was born. If Michael Young had shouted Ernie Banks’ old line, “Let’s play two!” anywhere in the vicinity of the Baltimore dugout, he might have been instantly mauled by the entire Orioles’ bench. There was no shortage of cruel irony on this unforgettable night.

These two stories were enough to bump the “Who’s NOT?” Final Four results, but only temporarily. The jury is nearly done deliberating and the winners will be announced within the next 48 hours. Keep it here to find out who is moving on and who is not quite bad enough. But while you’re eagerly anticipating the announcement, take a second to sit back and reflect on these two remarkable stories. Let the numbers 59 and 30 sink in. You might never see them in this context again.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Three: The Elite Eight.

The wait is over. The results of the first two rounds of our “Who’s NOT?” competition are in, and it’s time to find out who has qualified for Round Three. Who has inched one step closer to being the most unpopular entity in sports? Without further ado, let’s break it down:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Vick.

The tournament’s top seed has been in the news consistently since this bracket began, and he has now ended all hope for a Selig-Bonds championship final. Vick is more deserving of a Final Four berth than Selig, as he has been a water cooler staple for much of the summer since the investigation into the dogfighting ring he allegedly took part in was made public. The one-time NFL posterboy is negotiating a plea agreement through his legal team which they hope will reduce his punishment and perhaps even allow him to play football this season, as he has not yet been suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell. The bottom line here? Vick is now a fixture in the news for all the wrong reasons. Selig just announced he will not penalize Jason Giambi for the latter’s admission that he knowingly took steroids, but Vick is simply more loathed right now. Both are in hot water for poor decision-making, but Vick’s image is currently in much worse shape.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

Your winner: Bonds.

Owens has been quieter than a mute librarian this off-season, prompting many to wonder if he has actually been abducted and replaced by a docile alien host. Sure, he hated playing for Bill Parcells, a fact he made abundantly clear. But you’d think he would stir the training camp pot just a little. No? Sorry, Terrell. Your run at ultimate hatred ends here. Bonds, you might recall, polarized the baseball world recently by breaking the hallowed all-time homerun mark (you want an asterisk? How about denial? No one wants to touch its legitimacy, at least not in the immediate aftermath). While it might be a touchy subject, one thing is clear. The majority of “sports nation”, if you will, does not favour Barry Bonds. And that’s putting it nicely.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: Jones.

The Human Handful (make that double handful if you’re counting arrests) has done it again and ended MLSE’s dream of being this tournament’s George Mason. Yes, Mr. Jones has been a topic of conversation in the sports world of late because of his forray into the wrestling arena. Well, not exactly, thanks to a quick veto from his NFL employer. When he realized the Titans weren’t going to let him put himself in danger of getting hurt (a.k.a. living his everyday life), he decided it would be better to just talk about it. Or, more accurately, rap about it. This guy is incapable of restoring his image, despite his desperate attempts. All he has to do is serve his time and try to be a respectable human being. We all know that’s not going to happen, which is why he is moving on to the semi-finals.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Your winner: Donaghy.

Tyson entered this event with a ranking that was, in all honesty, higher than many would have expected. As the Donaghy story unravelled (and continues to do so), it became apparent that he would be the giant-killer and Cinderella entry in the field. The latest news that he has now plead guilty to two felony charges gives him a relatively easy win over Tyson, who hasn’t been heard from in months. People are genuinely angry and shocked at Donaghy, and boxing’s most tragic and unfortunate figure has gotten lost in the shuffle. He’s now completely out of the limelight, which might be the best thing for him. As for Donaghy, his fate has only begun to spiral downward. He’s on his way to further shame and is one of the four remaining figures in the first annual “Who’s NOT?” tournament.

So, there’s your Final Four. It’s a competitive group (of disliked personalities, of course). We’re in for a classic showdown of the worst characters the sports world has to offer. Will Jones challenge Bonds to a wrestling match? Will Donaghy alter the outcome of his semi-final tilt with Michael Vick? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Two.

After much deliberation, the jury of disgraced former professional athletes has spoken. The battle to become sports’ most unpopular figure is underway, and while sixteen entities entered the competition, only eight remain. Here’s a recap of the first-round matchups and how they played out:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Your winner: Vick. This was hardly a dogfight (pun intended), as one scandal demolished the other. It’s almost as though sports fans and media alike have completely forgotten about ‘Operation Slapshot’. The same, however, can’t be said for Vick, who is now embroiled in a world of problems. The (former?) quarterback will sit out the entire 2007-08 season, has lost his heap of endorsement deals, and faces an uncertain future of either heavy jail time or simply a mauled reputation (pun intended).

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Your winner: Bonds. Interestingly enough, both of them made news this week. Culpepper found a home with the Oakland Raiders, while Barry-Barry-Quite-Contrary mashed home run number 755 to tie Henry Aaron for the all-time record. Despite Splog contributor Dave Ling’s argument that “at least Barry Bonds is achieving something”, one has to follow that with, “…but is anyone taking him seriously?” While many might be tracking his attempt to taint the game’s history, how many of those people are actually rooting for him? Culpepper’s popularity has risen recently due to his sudden fantasy impact. Bonds is now one step closer to being the ultimate baseball villain. Somewhere, Pete Rose is smiling.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

Your winner: Jones. Kournikova is so far removed from the public eye and Jones was so recently in it that this became an easy decision. Sure, Anna was once immensely popular and now isn’t, but she’s fallen off the map completely (sorry, World Team Tennis fans). Like this tournament’s number-one seed, Jones will miss the entire 2007-08 NFL season and his reputation among fans and media has been sullied thanks to the handful–err–two handfuls of incidents he has been booked for.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

Your winner: Tyson. Yes, he’s a tragic figure. Yes, he’s aging and on the decline. But in a head-to-head matchup with Chile’s under-20 soccer squad, he is clearly still the more unpopular of the two. Are we even talking about Chile’s World Cup incident any more? Didn’t think so. There was a chance for an upset here, but Tyson is still more loathed. Sure, ask Toronto police who they’d pick and you might have a different result, but “Iron” Mike’s fall from grace is still relevant and despite his sad decline, he remains the more unpopular choice.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Your winner? Donaghy. The sharks have started to circle around the former NBA referee, and it’s now only a matter of time before he is brought in and given his punishment. Sherk’s story tagged him with a high dose of unpopularity (much like the high dose of performance-enhancing drugs in his system during the drug test), but it was not nearly enough to overcome the league-shattering crooked ref story. Donaghy’s actions have made him public enemy number one in the NBA, and have opened the floodgates on questions regarding gambling and sports. Fans in Toronto, Phoenix and other cities hurt by Donaghy’s manipulation all agree. It’s Donaghy in a landslide.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: MLSE. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first upset of the bracket. This one sent the judges into overtime, and after hours of heated arguments (Ben Johnson said a few things about the East German swim team that he probably didn’t mean), The Corporation edged out Sheffield by the slimmest of margins. MLSE has repeatedly torn the hearts out of Toronto hockey fans over the last decade, and there is not a more disliked business organization in all of sport, save for the Bay Area Lab Co-operative. Sure, Sheffield is guilty of a few despicable acts and culturally divisive remarks, but we know he’s just craving attention. Plus, he’s a dangerous hitter who has never been linked to drug use. He’s injured right now, so we’re sympathetic. This season, he has managed 23 homeruns, 89 runs scored and a .290 batting average in 101 games. Peddie, Tanenbaum and company have a track record that’s much worse, and a reputation to match.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

Your winner: Owens. This one came oh-so-close to being our second straight upset, but the favourite was able to eke out the victory in the dying seconds. Here’s the thing about this pairing: both of these guys have mended their reputations considerably in the last few months. Rodriguez has stopped (being caught for) his adulterous ways and on-field antics, instead letting his 500th career home run do the talking. He’s now the youngest ever to reach the feat, and people seem to have forgotten the infamous trip to Toronto earlier this season, along with his status as baseball’s spoiled brat. Owens is interesting because he has become popular for being unpopular. This off-season has been his quietest to date, but with A-Rod basking in positive vibes, T.O. wins this tight first-round affair by a hair.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Selig. The 8-9 matchups are always hard to handicap, and this one was no different. Bryant is a loathed NBA star, but his whining and desire to leave the Lakers has apparently died down. Selig, on the other hand, finds himself smack dab in the middle of the headlines as Barry Bonds approaches the all-time home run record. His George Mitchell-led investigation of steroids in the game has not moved quickly enough, and it appears the history books will be tarnished before the FBI makes any more headway in the case. Selig never does what is right for the game, despite what he might tell the public. He does what the public expects him to do, and rides the “crusade against drugs” P.R. wave until it fades back into the ocean of baseball news stories. The problem? It won’t. The other problem? If he really wanted to get drugs out of the game, he would have done it years ago when instead, he looked the other way and watched the money bags roll in.

So there you have it. The round of sixteen is in the books and it’s on to the Elite Eight. Here’s a breakdown of the second-round bracket:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Be sure to check back next week to find out who will move on to the Final Four. It promises to be an unpopularity contest for the ages.

“Who’s NOT?” Round One.

For those of you who may not be aware, ESPN is currently running a little gimmick they have tabbed “Who’s NOW?”. For all intents and purposes, of course, it’s a glorified popularity contest designed to get fans excited about the hottest athletes in the news today. It’s basically their way of measuring hype, while quietly and simultaneously researching who their fan base craves more.

Thousands of fans have voted thus far, with typically disappointing results. If All-Star Game voting has taught us anything, it’s that fans, as a group, are unreliable. They knocked out a dominant Roger Federer in favour of a pedestrian Tony Parker-Longoria, after all. Don’t try to justify it…you can’t. It boggles the mind. So instead, we invite you to take part in our own version. We’re calling it “Who’s NOT?”, and it’s the exact opposite of ESPN’s contest. The goal of this game is to determine, once and for all, who is the most unpopular athlete, sports figure or organization of the moment. The format is a simple four-round bracket of sixteen. Here are your matchups:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Being involved in a scandal is almost a prerequisite for this tournament, and it just so happens that both of these men have been investigated by the F.B.I. Vick has been dogged (pun intended) by the feds on suspicion of organizing dog fights across state lines. The former poster-boy of the National Football League has a history of run-ins with the law, but his previous indiscretions were nothing like this. If convicted, and it’s all but a certainty given the reported evidence against him, he could serve serious jail time. Not only would it derail a franchise player’s once-promising career, but it has already brought a dark cloud over the entire league, regardless of the outcome. The second-highest paid player in the NFL and endorsement hound (pun intended) is watching it all slip away. His judgement day is Thursday.

Tocchet will appear in court on August 17 after his role in ‘Operation Slapshot’, an illegal gambling ring, was exposed last year. He has pleaded guilty and will look to have his sentence reduced as a result. Sure, the former assistant coach of the Phoenix Coyotes is unpopular now, but was he ever well-liked in the first place?

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Bonds is just two home runs from tying Henry Aaron’s all-time record of 755, but you wouldn’t know it. Many are choosing to turn a blind eye to his tainted accomplishments. While he has never admitted it publicly, we all know he has been linked to steroid use and other performance-enhancing drugs. His former trainer is locked up for not talking about it, which should be seen as an obvious denial. Also, he’s probably more abrasive to the media than anyone in sports right now; coach, player or otherwise. As Toronto radio host Bob McCown said, “He’s a cheater and a jerk.” No argument here. Don’t forget, he tried to steal the spotlight from the consensus “greatest player of all-time”, Willie Mays, during the latter’s All-Star Game tribute earlier this month. There’s just nothing to like about Barry. He does little to help his own cause.

Daunte Culpepper’s career has resembled one of his passes of late. Both are spiralling downward. The former Minnesota Vikings starter has now fallen out of favour with not one, but two organizations as he has been released by the Miami Dolphins. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Not that Culpepper was ever “mighty”, but he was once considered to be among the elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Two years ago, he set the Vikings all-time record for touchdowns in a season with 39. But after the Dolphins signed veteran Trent Green in June, it was clear they had lost confidence in the oft-injured Culpepper. Numerous knee surgeries later, and after several attempts to trade him have failed, he is now an unrestricted free agent. Will anyone take a flyer on this enigma?

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

It’s game over for Pacman, after NFL commissioner Roger Godell handed Jones a one-year suspension back in May. Jones loses his entire 2007-08 paycheque as a result, and he must apply for reinstatement to the league, much like the Ricky Williams case. Jones was never a household name for his football prowess, but has instead become widely known as a repeat offender. He has reportedly been involved in ten (count ‘em, ten) incidents which have required police questioning. The most recent of these events took place during the NBA All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, when he was charged with both a felony and misdemeanor after a fight and shooting at a strip club that left a man paralyzed. If there was any doubt about his status as a 3-seed in this bracket, we hope it has now been removed.

Anna Kournikova. You’re thinking, “There’s a name from the past.” Well it really wasn’t too long ago. Anna was once the most downloaded athlete on the planet (although some might argue about the use of the term ‘athlete’) and many became tennis fans overnight just to watch her skid around Wimbledon or sweat it out at Roland Garros. Well, it turns out she was spending a little too much time milking her modeling and endorsement career, because whatever tennis ability she had faded, and with it, so did her spot in the public eye. We still remember those magazine spreads and cameos at NHL games (remember when she had a thing for flashy Russian hockey players?), but we’ll never think of her as an athlete. Perhaps that’s why she belongs on this shameful stage. Hey, at least she’s back in the conversation.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

“Iron” Mike Tyson was once the most feared boxer since Muhammad Ali. He was the youngest ever to win a world heavyweight title belt. Then, he went nuts. The Tyson we know today is a far cry from the young version. A rape conviction, a bloody ear, his 2005 retirement from the pros (which came about seven years too late) and his massive debt accumulation transformed him from a respected fighter into a truly tragic figure. The question is, are we sympathetic to his plight? Sure, he was manipulated by slimeball promoter Don King. But he made a series of poor choices along the way (including associating with King in the first place). It’s hard to feel sorry for Tyson.

Chile’s under-20 national soccer squad was riding high after earning a spot in the World Cup semi-final. After a 3-0 loss to Argentina, though, all hell broke loose. Reports indicated that several members of the team got into it with Argentinian fans and then Toronto police while boarding the bus leaving the stadium. Two photographers from the Canadian Press later confirmed they heard yelling near the bus. What followed might not seem so unusual for the majority of soccer fans (“A soccer riot? How unexpected!”), but Chile’s clash with rival fans and local law enforcement left a black mark on an otherwise successful FIFA tournament in Canada. We can only wonder what the Czech Republic and Argentina have in store for the finale.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Donaghy has the advantage of being the most recent story of the entire bracket. Only days ago, the New York Post reported that the former National Basketball Association referee allegedly had ties to the Gambino crime family, was himself a gambler with a mountain of debt, and as a result, affected the outcomes of games he officiated. This is absolutely devastating news for the NBA, commissioner David Stern, league director of officiating Ronnie Nunn and fans alike. Officials have been accused of point shaving and manipulating contests for years, but there has never been any evidence. Until now. Sports writers across the continent who have been crying foul about the league’s horrendous officiating are now being vindicated. Donaghy is just one man, and he is suspected of fixing games over just the last two seasons, but this could be the first domino in a lengthy investigation and NBA officials will have to face the music and pay the price.

Ultimate fighting has been gaining popularity, but is still not accepted in the mainstream media as a legitimate sport (or even a legal one in some jurisdictions). Sean Sherk’s positive steroid test following UFC 73 isn’t going to help. Sherk was found to have traced of nandrolone metabolite, a banned substance, in his system following his bout with Hermes Franca on July 7. Sherk was crowned champion of the lightweight division after beating Franca, but now faces a suspension and fine. Worse, though, is the fact that his reputation as a clean fighter is now damaged forever. Franca also tested positive for a banned substance after the fight. However, Sherk was the champion who is now on the outside looking in.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Sheffield is no stranger to controversy, and the always confrontational outfielder has stirred up trouble three times this season. First, there was the uproar over his remarks about Latin players. In the June issue of GQ magazine, he claimed that black players are less prevalent in baseball now because they are harder to control than Latinos and players of other ethnic backgrounds. Then, there was an on-field incident last month in which he threw a piece of a splintered bat at umpire Greg Gibson, revealing to the Detroit News afterwards that he told Gibson, “Last time I checked, I paid for the bat. I can throw it any way I want.” Finally, and most recently, Sheffield told ESPN’s Andrea Kremer that Joe Torre treated his white and black players differently. Is he just an angry man who craves attention? Or is there a shred of truth in either of his two shocking statements? His on-field actions make it hard to buy into his off-field beliefs.

Bring up Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment around a Canadian sports fan and you’ll be lucky to avoid injury. The consortium of local businessmen in charge of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Raptors and their facility (among other properties) have long been loathed by fans across the nation and even those within the Greater Toronto Area. Richard Peddie, Larry Tanenbaum and the gang have repeatedly made moves in the interest of maintaining successful businesses rather than committing to producing winning franchises. From foolishly ridiculous contracts to poor management hiring decisions, the Board has continually let down its fan base and the city of Toronto as a whole. Sure, they have added the expansion Toronto FC to the city’s already vibrant sports scene, and the club has been a remarkable success in its inaugural campaign, but that has nothing to do with ownership. MLSE cares most about the bottom line, and they always will.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

T.O. would probably be seeded higher if not for a stunningly quiet off-season (by his standards, of course). Sure it’s only late July, and training camp is just getting rolling. But we have yet to hear him call out teammates or coaches in the media, or see him doing reps in his driveway amid a throng of salivating reporters. He always has a flair for the over-dramatic, though, so maybe he’s just planning something huge. You watch him because you never know what he’ll do next. When he’s not being a selfish, loud, cranky clipboard carrier, he’s entertaining. The thing about Owens is, he can be on this list or ESPN’s version and no one will question it.

By now, you probably know about Alex Rodriguez’s trip to Toronto a while back. It didn’t go so well. One “MINE!” and one mysterious unidentified blonde woman later, A-Rod was front page news in tabloids and respected publications across North America. But he was well on his way to being hated before his Yankees pulled into Pearson. His descent towards being abhorred by fans began the day Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks inked him to a $252 million contract. From that day forward, he had a billing he could not possibly live up to. Sure, he may some day break the all-time home run record and may be headed for Cooperstown, but that contract branded him with pressure that no baseball player in history save for Jackie Robinson could have handled. Now, he’s starting to crack. Off the field, of course. On it, he’s mashing the ball like he has something to prove.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Casual sports fans and neophytes alike know the tale of Kobe Bryant. The way he forced Shaquille O’Neal out of Los Angeles, the way he coaxed Phil Jackson out of retirement and subsequently tainted his legacy, the way he spent his free time in Colorado in between games (isn’t he lucky she dropped the case?) and finally, the way he pouted to a few random fans with a camera about how terrible the current Lakers are. Yes, L.A.’s management has made some bonehead moves, but perhaps the biggest was believing Bryant would carry the franchise on his own. He has become a giant headache, and all of the above actions plus his YouTube-style trade demands make him one of sports most despised athletes.

Bud Selig. Where do we begin? This could be a column in itself, but we’ll try to keep it concise. It’s obvious now that Selig knew about the steroid problem in his game and looked the other way as the dollars were rolling in. We know this for a fact. He is clearly only “fighting” steroid use in baseball to avoid a public relations disaster. He has to appear to be trying to save the game, but the current policy is weak by international standards. He created this monster, didn’t slay it when he had the chance, and now it’s out of control. Selig now has to deal with Bonds, the epitome of his years of ignorance toward banned substances, approaching the most cherished record in baseball. Selig’s boyhood hero growing up in Milwaukee? Hank Aaron. Talk about karma. Selig is getting what he deserves, but it will be at the expense of the game’s history.

This championship will be hotly contested. I’m sure you can already spot a few upsets in the making. Also, there’s no doubt a few notable figures didn’t qualify for the tournament (Floyd Landis lost the play-in game to Tocchet). For a full view of our bracket, click here. Make sure to comment below and have your voice heard. The battle for the most loathsome figure in sports has begun. Who will it be? Come back soon to find out.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

It’s July 1. But for the National Hockey League, it might as well be November 1, because the shopping frenzy has begun.

It’s 1:22 p.m. in Toronto. As of about an hour ago (12:00:00 EDT), teams were officially allowed to sign free agents. The NBA’s free agency period has also kicked off today, but actual signings can’t take place until July 11. So that lets us focus solely on hockey. The dollars have already started to fly, and we’ve still got a long way to go.

TSN has opted to cover the first day of NHL free agency (because really, aren’t we a little tired of mid-day poker coverage?). Call it excessive, over-the-top and maybe unneccesary, but admit it. You’re watching. This is part of being Canadian, and on Canada Day? How appropriate. By the way, happy 140th birthday, old gal.

Back to the “Free Agent Frenzy”. Or so TSN is calling it in their on-screen graphics. Hey, here’s an idea. Let’s evaluate their coverage of this momentus occasion. What, you have somewhere to be?

• It should be noted that they are the only network covering this “event”. The Score and Rogers Sportsnet have decided not to capitalize on (exploit?) Canada’s thirst for everything hockey-related, instead going with horse racing and pool, respectively.
• Best moment of the day so far? Allow me to set the scene. They cut to the Gord Miller-Bob Mackenzie-Darren Dreger desk. Miller is flanked by the other two. Mackenzie, to his left, is “typing” on his laptop (on camera!) and ignoring Miller’s insight, but he’s using only his pointer fingers to type. Look, we all know someone who does this. But who knew a veteran reporter (with a print background) never learned to type? Meanwhile, Dreger works the Blackberry (also on camera). Dreger 1, Mackenzie 0.
• Here come “The Reporters”. Dave Hodge is always entertaining, if not for his knowledge, then for his ad-libbing ability and terrificly wry sense of humour. Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun equates the free agent landscape to a game of Clue, to which Sports Illustrated’s Michael Farber responds, “Or in your case, no clue.” Thank you, Michael.
• James Duthie, our host for the afternoon (so wait, they’re shuffling us between three tables of talking heads? Who IS hosting this?) chimes in. “We have one.” And, cue the canned SportsCentre theme. Todd White to Atlanta. Earth-shattering news, gentlemen.
• Miller tells us that “everyone but the Kansas City Scouts and California Golden Seals have put in an offer for Ryan Smyth.” I like the Seals to win the Cup next year.
• It’s 1:55 p.m. According to Duthie, the coverage is ‘ending’ in five minutes, in favour of NASCAR. He promises they’ll cut into the racing coverage and return if something does come up. I’d love to be a fly on the wall at that production meeting:

Executive #1: Should we stay with it all afternoon or cut to a sport no one watches?

Executive #2: Free agency is going to last all summer, and all we’ve seen so far is Joe Thornton re-upping in San Jose.

Executive #3: And Todd White to Atlanta.

Executive #2: Right, Todd White to Atlanta.

Executive #1: Okay, let’s have the hockey guys sit around in the studio all day and we’ll just turn on the cameras when something happens.

Executive #2: Sounds good. We just need someone to poke Hodge every twenty minutes. Oh, and make sure McGuire’s getting decaf.

Executive #3: Why don’t we have Darren give Bob typing lessons?

Executive #2: Great idea. Now, what’s next on the agenda? Oh, right. Maggie the Macaque’s contract negotiations.

Executive #1: Alright, you know the drill. We need all the bananas and cigars you can find, and don’t forget to cover the furniture. Remember, whatever you do, keep her away from Onrait. We don’t want a repeat of last year. This meeting is adjourned.