Everywhere Indeed: Live-Blogging CityTV’s Foray into Baseball

Sometimes in life, things just happen for a reason. Sunday afternoon, the unintentional comedy gods were smiling on us, as Toronto’s CityTV took a crack at broadcasting baseball.

On the diamond, you’d expect the Cincinnati Reds and Toronto Blue Jays to provide the typical Grapefruit League fare. But thanks to Gord Martineau and company, there was nothing typical about it.

12:25: The tension is palpable as we await the opening of the broadcast. There hasn’t been this much anticipation for a spring training game since, well, ever. It should be mentioned that because of Ted Rogers’ intriguing choice to put a spring training game on a local non-sports station, Major League Baseball has moved the start time up to 12:35 EDT. That’s right. The powers that be in the league office bowed to Rogers (owner of one of its franchises, overall media magnate and brand-new owner of CityTV). Aren’t we all better off for it? Get the popcorn ready, folks. Here it comes…

12:32: Our first glimpse of spring training, City-style, looks fairly normal. That is, until CityTV personality Jennifer Valentyne trots out to sing the Canadian anthem. The former Toronto Argonauts cheerleader is singing the anthem in slow-motion. Super slow-motion. Looks like she’s teaching the crowd the lyrics.

12:35: The opening throw to the booth couldn’t have gone any smoother, right? The first thing we hear is Kathryn Humphreys unknowingly uttering the following words with her mic on:

“Am I doing this here?” This is going to be a great afternoon.

12:36: Hugh Burrill and Martineau will provide the play-by-play and colour commentary this afternoon. Burrill’s introduction of the lineups isn’t much better than Humphreys’ opening gaffe. As he stumbles over the players’ names, the director throws in a graphic that looks like it was borrowed from the Dupont Network.

12:40: Thank you, Ted Rogers. Martineau throws it down to Barb DiGiulio of the FAN 590. The live hit passes without incident, and her energy and confidence make the City crew look like the chess club.

“We’re at a baseball game? Oh, darn, I forgot my spectacles! Remembered my pocket protector though.”

12:54: It’s clear now that this broadcast is a public relations vehicle the size of a Hummer limo. Jays president Paul Godrey steps into the booth to hawk season tickets in the game’s opening moments, and the commercials are nothing more than ticket-pushing spots from various spots around the Rogers Centre and beyond. In the top of the second inning, a booth conversation with the club’s events co-ordinator (about the post-game barbeque, no less) is interrupted by a triple to the gap in left-centre field by Reds’ farmhand Chris Dickerson. Oh, right, there’s a ballgame going on.

1:09: Finally, some genuine class on the broadcast. The FAN’s Jerry Howarth stops by in the top of the third. It’s great to see and hear Jerry again, as we finally get some real baseball analysis. Howarth breaks down what he expects from the pitching staff and new additions Scott Rolen and David Eckstein. So, to recap, the best elements of the broadcast so far have been Howarth and DiGiulio, both FAN personalities. Coincidence? Hardly. Let’s turn this into a real baseball broadcast, shall we? Where’s Mike Wilner?

1:21: Speaking of real baseball talk, Burrill has settled in nicely despite his lack of play-by-play experience. Martineau, on the other hand, is a complete mess. On Reds’ manager Dusty Baker:

“I remember Dusty when he was with the Los Angeles Dodgers and Tommy Lasorda was managing.”

Gord, that was 1976.

So far, we’ve seen Duane Ward and Lloyd Moseby selling tickets in the commercials. Why not have a former Jay in the booth doing the colour commentary? I guess that would just make too much sense.

1:27: Humphreys gets another shot at redemption as they throw it to her again. She’s with reliever Jeremy Accardo, outside what looks like the ballpark’s men’s room. Kathryn, please, just let the man go. We don’t need a bladder injury before Opening Day.

1:31: The third inning ends quietly. Oh, in case you’re wondering, it’s 2-0 Reds thanks to a two-run double by Cincinnati’s Jay Bruce back in the second inning. The Jays have just one hit on the afternoon (a single by Aaron Hill in the bottom of the third). Starter A.J. Burnett allowed the game’s two runs along with three Cincinnati hits in his two frames of work. You wouldn’t know it, but we’ve seen two pitching changes since his exit.

1:41: After a Scott Rolen single advances Reed Johnson to third and ignites the first real Toronto rally, it occurs to me. There have been exactly zero replays today. Is it really that hard to rewind the tape and cue it up? Oh, sorry, I forgot. The game is secondary.

1:42: Matt Stairs drives in Johnson with a single. How ‘bout that? 2-1 Reds. Still no replay.

1:46: The convergence is in full force, as Martine Gaillard gives us a Connected update. So we’ve now seen Sportsnet and FAN personalities appear on CityTV. Thank you, Ted Rogers.

1:56: You know it’s a bland broadcast when the day’s most entertaining moment so far is DiGiulio’s exclusive interview with Chad the Beer Man. I kid you not. This really happened. After Burrill provides some background on Reds’ reliever Mike Stanton and his inclusion in the Mitchell Report, Martineau admits, “You can see my depth of knowledge is an inch deep and a mile wide here.” It’s like watching a train wreck. I can’t turn this off.

1:59: Buck Coats picks up the pace with a two-run home run to right-centre field, during which he circles the bases at full speed with his head down. That’s right, it’s the same Buck Coats the Jays picked up from Cincinnati last August and the very same Buck Coats who’s now the subject of countless softcore porn jokes. According to his Wikipedia page, “he is known for [uttering] his catch phrase, ‘Yeah, baby’ in his southern drawl’.” I’m telling you, this thing writes itself.

2:19: Martineau actually asks Burrill, “Who’s at the plate?” on air in the bottom of the sixth. You can’t make this stuff up. Seconds later, Matt Stairs does it again, smashing a solo homer to right. The blast makes it 4-3 Toronto.

2:28: Kathryn Humphreys, please, enlighten us with some in-depth baseball analysis:

“Alex Rios, or ‘Eye Candy’ as I call him, is not in the lineup today. He is one good-looking fella.”

Ahem.

After a few more declarations of her lust for the outfielder, she interviews him. And by ‘interviews’, I mean ‘blatantly hits on him for five minutes straight’. The hard-hitting questions she throws his way include such gems as:

“Who’s better-looking…you or A-Rod?” When he says he’d give the honour to Rodriguez, she blurts out, “I wouldn’t.”

The best, though, had to be this one:

“If you were a pork chop, what sauce would you smother yourself with?”

Tonight on CityTV Late Night, Kathryn Humphreys stars in “Bats, Balls and the Reporters Who Love Them”. Buck Coats guest stars.

2:45: I’ll admit, I needed about 20 minutes to recover from that. Also of note, we finally have a replay! Good thing it only took eight innings to warm up the VTR deck. In case you’re interested, it’s 6-3 Toronto in the top of the eighth.

2:47: Toronto second baseman Joe Inglett gets an inning-ending force-out and starts his trot into the dugout. Just one problem. There are only two outs. That’s how you impress a manager in spring training, Joe. 6-4 Toronto.

3:01: Back from break, I’ve got good news and bad news. Want the good news first? Inglett just cranked a home run out of Knology Park and it’s now 8-4 in the bottom of the eighth. The bad news? CityTV missed it completely, running a break just a little too long. Would have been a nice moment, too. You know, a little redemption for Inglett after his blunder in the top half.

3:09: If there was even an inkling of hope that the game itself actually mattered to the City crew, that inkling was promptly squashed coming back from a taped Kathryn Humphreys piece.

Humphreys: “What’s going on now, Gord?”

[Awkward period of about five seconds while Humphreys stares at the camera waiting for the truck to cue Martineau.]

Martineau: “Check 1, 2…Yes, we’re back here at Knology Park and the game is over. How about this, Hugh? You blink and the game’s over, huh?”

Wait a second. The game is over? The game is over. This is what happens when you run taped pieces during game action. Have I mentioned I want to thank Ted Rogers?

3:17: Usually after live-blogging, I need a drink and a cold shower. Today would be no different if the broadcast ended here. But no, CityTV is staying in Dunedin. Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…the post-game barbeque for season-ticket holders!

Don’t worry, I’ll spare you the details. Besides, Lloyd Moseby’s going to hang up on me if I don’t order season tickets in the next five minutes. Welcome back, baseball. Nice to see you again.

There Is No Joy in Glanville

Those of you who frequent ESPN.com on your daily tour of the interweb may have came across former Major League Baseball player Doug Glanville’s stirring guest column on the website today.

If you haven’t, it’s certainly worth your time. Why?

For one, this is one of, if not the first example of a clean pedestrian player speaking out and lamenting the now public dishonest nature of the league he played an integral part in for nearly a decade. Sure, we’ve seen Curt Schilling’s thoughts on the issue, but he’s in the spotlight on a regular basis.

Glanville’s voice is unique and we identify with it because he isn’t superhuman. He describes himself as “a singles hitter with a good glove”, which is accurate. He wasn’t a flashy player or a slugging demigod. Doug Glanville, by all accounts (including his own), was an honest, hard-working, average Major League Baseball player. He also happens to be an Ivy League graduate, and his column is what one might expect from someone of his educational background.

With eloquence, passion and remorse, he provides a perspective that all members of society can understand.

Glanville served as the union representative for the Philadelphia Phillies and often volunteered his time to such charitable causes as the Corporate Alliance for Drug Education. But as he points out, he was never one to preach or villify a teammate for their choice. He points the finger not at the individual but at society as a whole.

So what can you take from it? Well, in the wake of the Mitchell Report, and with many of the game’s fallen heroes clutching to the “mistake” copout and clinging to nervous denials, it’s refreshing to hear a new point of view. One that doesn’t necessarily represent that of the common man (these are still millionaire professional athletes, remember), but that of an average baseball player questioning not just his former co-workers, but the culture in which he lives. While many of his peers resorted to banned substances and other equally unethical performance aids, Glanville stood by what he believed in. His message may come off as preachy or self-indulgent, but guess what? He has the right to be.

He says he played clean, and unlike all those fallen folk heroes who have fed you the same old party line, there’s something different about this voice.

You believe him.

Despising the Yankees: An October Tradition

Every October, If the New York Yankees have managed to avoid folding like a lawn chair under the pressure of the pennant race, I suddenly transform from a seemingly harmless and objective sports journalist into an idealistic and cynical Yankee hater, campaigning for their imminent demise. I’ve taken this change for granted for years now, but when the final out of Cleveland’s series-clinching 6-4 victory fell into catcher Kelly Shoppach’s glove last night, it struck me. Why had I been so strongly opposed to the game’s flagship franchise and their success?

I was sitting in my living room flanked by my two roommates. One of them, a die-hard Yankees fan, was watching reluctantly because my other roommate had the remote. He couldn’t bare to watch, instead distracting himself with a game on his laptop.

When I had burst in the room about an hour earlier, I reminded him that it could be the last hurrah for long-time manager Joe Torre, among others.

“That’s why I turned it off,” he fired back. “I don’t want to get depressed.” And this was a life-long Yankees fan talking. If it was so bad that he couldn’t even bare to witness it, you can imagine how delighted I was.

During the final out, I tried mightily to hold in the celebration that has always followed such a joyous moment, out of respect for my housemate. As I sat there, containing my bliss, I wondered. Why do I derive such joy out of seeing a baseball team lose?

With the highest payroll in the game year in and year out ($189 million on Opening Day 2007, for example), the Bronx Bombers assume they will challenge for, if not win, the World Series every single season. Is that realistic? Is that fair to the millions of loyal fans across the country, and world? By expecting a title every year, the Yankees repeatedly set themselves up for failure and disappointment, leaving the players unjustly blaming themselves and the fans, like my roommate, fighting depression. Expecting a championship every season will always leave you heartbroken. I know every coach and player says they want nothing less, but deep down, they know it’s a long-shot.

Expecting the unexpected should be what sports are all about. Great teams and dynasties can be good for the game, but not when it takes the gross domestic product of Tonga to get you there. To me, playoff baseball is about drama and excitement. Where’s the fun in seeing the same team spraying champagne every year? Thankfully, after New York’s titles in ‘96, ‘98, ‘99 and ‘00, they’ve been back to the Fall Classic only once, losing in dramatic fashion in ‘01 to Arizona. That very run of four titles in six years was really what sparked this for me in the first place, but unlike so many previously sane friends of mine, I refused to jump on the bandwagon.

Winning every year is too easy. Losing every year is hard. Winning once in a blue moon is terrific. Losing when you expect to win is failure.

Why do we root for underdogs? Sure, it’s a great story. But more importantly, it breaks a pattern. When the team nobody expected to even be in the playoffs knocks off a spoiled, rich perennial contender, it’s amazing. It’s David surprising everyone by slaying Goliath. It’s Appalachian State stunning Michigan. When these things happen, we remember them.

In fact, it all goes back to the playground. No one likes a bully, and the bullies themselves are always the ones with the deepest emotional problems. Just like the Yankees, they’re setting themselves up for constant disappointment and a meaningless existence.

Success and power are elements of the so-called ‘American Way’, but as it turns out, it’s actually possible to live a great life without the “greed is good” mentality.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I can understand the appeal. My father was born and raised in New York City. I’ve been to Yankee Stadium and watched Roger Clemens pitch. I’ve seen the propaganda. I know the history of the league’s most storied franchise like no one else I know. But this is a rift that cuts so deep, it goes beyond family ties and personal experience.

For me, seeing the Yankees logo is often all it takes to flip the switch. But, when you think about it, isn’t that healthy? I’m all for loving everyone and dancing around the Maypole when I’m in Dreamland, but in reality, we need natural rivals. It’s just part of our nature. It’s why Clark Kent has Lex Luthor, or why Luke Skywalker had Darth Vader. It’s why I, for all the reasons stated above, have the Yankees, baseball’s Evil Empire.

I might have been holding in my excitement in the living room last night, but I was ecstatic on the inside. Sure, there are things that give me much more enjoyment in life. You know, significant things and people. But as soon as the calendar flips to October, the anti-Bronx sentiment spreads through my bloodstream like the symbiote in Peter Parker. Then, when it’s all over (culminating in a New York loss, of course), everything returns to normal. The goals of journalistic integrity and objectivity are restored, and there is peace in the land once again.

Until four months later, when every season preview lists the Yankees as the team to beat.

Because 162 Games Just Weren’t Enough: Live Blogging the One-Game Playoff

I’ll acknowledge right off the bat that posts have been few and far between of late. So what better way to jump back into the blogging saddle than with everyone’s favourite time-honoured tradtion: the live blog!

We’re back, and thanks to MLB’s first one-game playoff in eight years, we’re better than ever.

Tonight, the Colorado Rockies and San Diego Padres are facing off to determine, once and for all, who wants it the least. Colorado hasn’t been in the post-season spotlight since 1995. The Friars won National League pennants in 1984 and 1998, but since their latest run, the Pads have just one playoff victory in two Division Series losses to the St. Louis Cardinals in ‘05 and ‘06.

We’re just minutes away from the first pitch. San Diego ace Jake Peavy takes the hill against Josh Fogg. The Rockies have the luxury of playing this one on home turf. We’ll see if the rarefied air in Denver plays a role tonight.

Here we go! (All times EDT)

7:30: Turner Sports’ opening segment shows a few moments from previous play-in playoffs. Which raises the question: Can we call this a playoff game? Your official answer, of course, is no. But don’t tell that to the guys walking into Coors Field giving the bull horns. Will we see another Bobby Thomson tonight though? Rockies-Padres hardly has the cache or family-splitting rivalry effect of the Dodgers/Giants dynamic of the ’50s. Then again, you never know.

7:36: Analyst Joe Simpson, tell us about Josh Fogg. “His teammates call him the Dragon Slayer.” Dragons everywhere just got the best chuckle they’ve had since the whole Puff phase in the ’80s. That 10-9 record and 4.79 ERA isn’t scaring anyone.

7:40: “Fogg’s not a guy who’s going to strike out a lot of people,” says Simpson. “He’s not the kind that will walk a lot either.” Well, that’s encouraging. Maybe we can all be out of here before Monday Night Football starts in an hour.

7:43: Fogg strikes out Adrian Gonzalez, his second victim of the opening frame, to end the inning. Hey, Joe, do you want a do-over? The raucous crowd rises to its feet. The Rockies are rockin’. [Note: I'm allowing myself one rock-related play on words per three innings. I think I can stay at that pace.] Still a long way to go, though.

7:47: Oh, look, Colorado had the league’s best batting average at .340. Are we shocking anyone here, TBS? Kaz Matsui doubles in the lead-off spot. For Peavy, the nightmare begins.

7:51: Matt Holliday walks to load the bases. There is still nobody out. Todd “Captain Haddock” Helton stands in and cranks a sacrifice fly to deep center. 1-0 Stones.

7:55: RBI single, 2-0. Where’s the obligatory shot of fans sitting nervously in Petco Park? If we don’t see this by the third inning, I’m calling Ted Turner.

8:10: “Peavy’s trying to settle down here in the 2nd after a rocky first. No pun intended.” I guess the broadcast booth didn’t get the memo.

8:11: Yorvit Torrealba hits one high and deep to left….it’s gone! 3-0. Yorvit had a whopping 7 round-trippers in the previous 162 games. It has to be reassuring for San Diego watching their ace lobbing batting practice pitches so early on in the most important game of their season.

8:23: In the top of the 3rd, Adrian Gonzalez gets his second crack at Fogg and crushes one deep to right field. GRAND SLAM! Just like that, 4-3 San Diego. So what’s the over-under on this one? Meanwhile, Gonzalez reaches 30 sloberknockers and 100 runs driven in on the year, which means they’re counting statistics from this game. Hmmm.

8:28: The eighth hitter in the Padres’ order, Brady Clark, gives Colorado shortstop Kaz Matsui a routine double-play ball. But Geoff Blum’s hard slide into second produces a chip shot-looking toss to first and the runner is safe. 5-3.

8:34: Todd Helton sends one to right field (haven’t I written something like this before?) and it…is…gone! The solo shot makes it 5-4 Pads, and for Helton, it’s his 17th of the season. That’s far from his total of 49 in ‘01, or even the 32 he hit in ‘04. And those came in 162-game seasons. Just saying.

8:50: With 10:34 to go in first quarter, Patriots’ kicker Stephen Gostkowski drills a 31-yard field goal to give New England a 3-0 lead. MLB 9, NFL 3.

8:54: Rockies manager Clint Hurdle emerges from the dugout and takes the ball from Josh Fogg, who exits to a standing ovation. Welcome to Denver, where five earned runs on eight hits in four innings is like no-hitting the Yankees.

8:56: TBS throws up a promo for ‘Hot Corner’, a new column on MLB.com which apparently features hard-hitting analysis from Trevor Hoffman and Alyssa Milano. Too easy.

9:04: Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony are “in the house”. It’s the closest the Nuggets will get to post-season play this year.

9:06: Matt Holliday singles in Troy Tulowitzki to tie the game at 5-5. He’s also just tied Ryan Howard for the league RBI lead with 136. Ryan’s on the phone with Bud Selig as we speak, pleading for an asterisk.

9:13: After 5 innings, it’s 5-5. Meanwhile, on Monday Night Football, it’s still 3-0 New England with 2:37 to go in the first quarter.

9:17: And, on cue, Tom Brady hits Mike Vrabel (yes, Mike Vrabel) for a 1-yard touchdown. MLB 10, NFL 10. This is getting interesting.

9:28: Ryan Speier enters the game in the top of the sixth. He’s the third Rockies pitcher to trot in from the bullpen, and for those of you thinking it might have been Justin Speier, that’s not a bad comparison. Note to Ryan: that’s not a good thing.

9:35: Seth Smith, in his 9th career at-bat, smacks a pinch-hit triple to ignite the nail-biting Rockies faithful.

9:38: Kaz Matsui’s sac fly scores the rookie and it’s 6-5 Colorado.

9:40: Another triple! Or at least that’s how they’re ruling it, as San Diego center fielder Brady Clark leaps and drops Troy Tulowitzki’s drive to the wall. Elsewhere, it’s 10-7 Patriots in the football game. I think we can get to 17 at Coors. Come on, guys.

9:49: LaTroy Hawkins comes into the game, topping out at 97 mph. Lights out. So much for the 17. Inning over.

9:50: The distractions start mounting in the live blogging headquarters, literally, as a certain roommate (let’s call him T. Best…no, wait…Tony B.) decides to let us all know that he “likes steak and potatoes” while wearing nothing but a towel. Never a dull moment.

10:15: Brian Fuentes enters in relief for the Rockies. Is it just me or is he a dead ringer for Travis Hafner? Somebody check on Travis…I need to know if they’re the same person.

10:17: As if the outfield play couldn’t get any worse, Matt Holliday misplays Brian Giles’ hard liner in left. Geoff Blum comes in to count and the Padres have tied it up, 6-6.

10:32: Top of the ninth and Manny Corpas is on the mound for Colorado. That’s seven hurlers used now for the Rocks, who haven’t exactly rolled tonight. [There it is, folks. The last one, I promise.]

10:44: Heath Bell sits down Joe Koshansky in the bottom of the ninth, so we’re heading to extra innings! Twelve runs scored on twenty-two hits combined, and we’re deadlocked. Because 163 games just weren’t enough, let’s keep playing.

10:53: A Termell Sledge walk and Michael Barrett single give the Padres a chance with two outs in the top half of the tenth. Brian Giles grounds into a force out at second, though, and it’s all for naught. Get comfortable, folks.

11:03: It’s the bottom of the tenth now. Joe Simpson, impart your immense knowledge on us, if you please. (On Kaz Matsui) “Everybody’s a threat in this ballpark.” Thanks, Joe. I want the last ten seconds of my life back. No time for that though, we’re going to 11 innings.

11:09: Padres outfielder Scott Hairston reaches on the first error of the game. Not sure how that’s the case given the shaky outfield play of the last 10 innings, but okay. Kevin Kouzmanoff bunts Hairston to second and Adrian Gonzalez is issued a free pass. This qualifies as a rally with one out.

11:12: Well, at least it did until Khalil Greene grounded into the third-to-first double play. Inning over. Suddenly both teams decide to start leaving runners on base? We might have to turn this live blog into an anthology.

11:34: It’s the top of the 12th. After a Morgan Ensberg walk, Geoff Blum bunts him over to second for the first out of the inning. That’s two Houston Astros cast-offs mentioned in the same sentence. These are the things that amuse me right now.

11:39: Michael Barrett comes to bat with two outs. Somewhere, Carlos Zambrano just threw something at his TV. Imagine if the Cubs and Padres were to meet in the National League Championship Series. These are the things that amuse me right now. Barrett breaks his bat and grounds out. In that order.

11:55: Well, at long last, we have more runs. Scott Hairston–I repeat–Scott Hairston (10 HR, .240 on the season before this at-bat) takes advantage of a wild Jorge Julio, mashing a two-run shot in the top of the 13th inning. After 12 runs in the first eight innings, that was the first time anyone had scored in the last five. Interesting that Hairston was dumped by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Now, because of his clutch hit, San Diego has a chance to advance and could eventually play the team that threw him away for the N.L. pennant. I know, I know. But after nearly five hours of this, these are the things that amuse me now.

12:06: Trevor Hoffman comes in to close it out. I guess he told Alyssa to finish the column herself. Hoffman was once one of the game’s most dominant closers, but does he have any gas left in the tank?

12:09: And…Kaz Matsui cracks a double to the gap in right-center. Oh, boy. Here comes the beef.

12:13: You have GOT to be kidding me. Troy Tulowitzki doubles. 8-7.

12:14: Matt Holliday TRIPLES! 8-8. Brian Giles made a valiant effort at the wall but came up inches short. Holliday clinches the batting title and RBI crown. Oh, and his team is still alive. Wow. Still nobody out.

12:18: Jamey Carroll hits one to right field, Giles is under it…here’s the throw…and…Holliday is SAFE just under the tag! 9-8! Rockies win!

12:20: I just caught my breath. Unbelievable. Welcome to October, folks.

12:21: 13 innings. 17 runs. 29 hits. 4 hours, 44 minutes. Five runs in the 13th inning alone. This game had almost everything, and you actually stuck around for all of it. Congratulations. I think I need a shower, a drink and a change of underwear.

“Who’s NOT?” Final Four and Championship Results

With fans and readers clammoring for any minute tidbit of information regarding the results of the first annual “Who’s NOT?” championship, the jury was under an immense amount of pressure. But the disgraced former athletes of years past came through in the clutch, casting the votes that have now determined once and for all who is the most loathed figure in the sports world. The envelopes were heavily guarded and the lips were all but surgically sealed, and here we are. It is time, ladies and gentlemen, for…

Fine. I’ll just tell you who won.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (3) Adam “Pacman” Jones

Neither of these truly abhored athletes were anywhere close to the headlines in the past week, although the mercurial slugger was mentioned in waiver/trade discussions. After an eventful summer, Jones completely fell off the radar and the NFL has avoided him like the plague as their season approaches. For good reason. While Bonds is periodically sitting out of games, at least he is playing. As a result, he’s still (at least faintly) in the public’s consciousness. Pacman is about as relevant as Mrs. Pac-Man right now. What’s that? She’s making a comeback?

Your semi-final winner: Bonds.

(1) Michael Vick vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

With the news of Vick’s guilty plea buzzing around the sports world and the general news world alike, he was the odds-on favourite to advance here. The number-one seed illicited such a passionate negative reaction from the public that Donaghy’s indiscretions were dwarfed in the process. Sure, no one in NBA circles has forgotten about the disastrous scandal he thrust upon the league, but with training camp a month away and Vick serving as Public Enemy Number One, this one was over before it began. Give Donaghy credit, as he rode the cottails of a shocking, unravelling news story to the semi-finals of this unpopularity contest. After being handed a low seed by the selection committee (considering the magnitude of his story), Donaghy felt shafted and tried hard to bribe his way to a higher ranking. To no avail. He proved a point, that he deserved to be hated more than he initially was. But then he ran into the incomparably detested former Falcons’ quarterback, and there was simply no stopping Vick.

Your semi-final winner: Vick.

So, fitttingly, the 2007 “Who’s NOT?” championship game pitted the top two tournament seeds. We expected them to be here, and they delivered. An accused steroid user versus an accused dogfight conspirator. It was going to be a battle to end all battles. But it wasn’t.

Vick was the overwhelming favourite. After all, people had seen so much coverage of the investigation surrounding him that they were getting sick of it. Sick of a man who, many would argue, brought an excitement and bewilderment level to the game that had not been seen since the heydays of Gale Sayers or Jerry Rice. He brought in non-football fans like only a few have done before, but it would all come crashing down. He went from football hero to societal villain virtually overnight (unless you count giving the finger to fans after the loss to New Orleans last year, which was perhaps the act of a frustrated, scared man who could sense what was coming).

What did we learn from the public Vick backlash? People love dogs. More than human beings. The most interesting thing we learned though, was that most people felt they needed to react with outrage towards him out of fear that any shred of sympathy would label them as evil, animal haters. People in both the media and the general public felt they had to react angrily towards this case because they were scared that their co-workers and friends would consider them to be horrible people otherwise. Of course what he did was absolutely dispicable and utterly deplorable. But this triggered a violent outcry because people were afraid of saying nothing and being labelled as sympathetic to his cause.

Oh, right. The contest.

Your tournament champion: Vick.

A Double Dose of the Incredible

We interrupt the thrilling “Who’s NOT?” championship to bring you a couple of bizarre yet remarkable achievements.

You may have heard about Mike Flynt. If not, it’s worth mentioning. The 59 year-old Flynt made (inter)national headlines this week for earning a spot on Division III Sul Ross State’s football roster, 37 years after being kicked out of school and off the team. If Rick Ankiel is the best example of redemption we’ve seen this summer, Flynt’s story has to be a close second. Sure, he hasn’t done anything in game action yet, but the mere act of qualifying for the squad has sent thousands of middle-aged men off to the gym to renew their long-expired memberships.

Some might argue that it’s just a lame attempt at getting a cash-strapped school some national exposure. But P.R. tactics aside, it’s a script right out of Hollywood. Don’t believe me? Read it for yourself and check out his story. Unbelievable stuff. Besides, it’s not about whether Flynt stars or even starts. It’s about the fact that a guy with six years to go until social security kicks in is giving it the old college try.

Now, on to the second item. By now, you’ve probably seen the highlights of tonight’s game between the Texas Rangers and Baltimore Orioles. Texas amassed (really, there’s no better way to describe it) a grand total (okay, that’s not bad) of thirty runs this evening. Thirty. Let’s take a moment and put that in perspective. No team in major league history had done this since 1897. That’s 110 years. Yes, over a century. The previous 30-run barrage took place six years BEFORE the first World Series.

There are two sad yet hilarious tidbits to take from this historic night in Maryland. One was the fact that the home team actually led 3-0 before the floodgates opened and the Rangers etched themselves permanently in baseball lore. For game recaps, MLB.com generally lays out the stories of each club side by side to provide a balanced view. Tonight, there was a stark contrast in spin from the beat writers of the two sides. Texas’ headline predictably read, “Rangers break record”. Baltimore’s was as follows:

“Pen falls apart in sixth”.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 Understatement of the Year.

Straight from the “You Have GOT to be Kidding Me” department comes the other bit of tragic comedy we saw tonight. It was, of course, the incredibly unlikely fact that this game was the first of a double-header. That’s right. Minutes after the legendary onslaught was finally brought to an end, the two clubs trotted out and played another one. One can only imagine how demoralizing it must have been to start (let alone finish) another game after the biggest humiliation since the year Walter Winchill was born. If Michael Young had shouted Ernie Banks’ old line, “Let’s play two!” anywhere in the vicinity of the Baltimore dugout, he might have been instantly mauled by the entire Orioles’ bench. There was no shortage of cruel irony on this unforgettable night.

These two stories were enough to bump the “Who’s NOT?” Final Four results, but only temporarily. The jury is nearly done deliberating and the winners will be announced within the next 48 hours. Keep it here to find out who is moving on and who is not quite bad enough. But while you’re eagerly anticipating the announcement, take a second to sit back and reflect on these two remarkable stories. Let the numbers 59 and 30 sink in. You might never see them in this context again.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Three: The Elite Eight.

The wait is over. The results of the first two rounds of our “Who’s NOT?” competition are in, and it’s time to find out who has qualified for Round Three. Who has inched one step closer to being the most unpopular entity in sports? Without further ado, let’s break it down:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Vick.

The tournament’s top seed has been in the news consistently since this bracket began, and he has now ended all hope for a Selig-Bonds championship final. Vick is more deserving of a Final Four berth than Selig, as he has been a water cooler staple for much of the summer since the investigation into the dogfighting ring he allegedly took part in was made public. The one-time NFL posterboy is negotiating a plea agreement through his legal team which they hope will reduce his punishment and perhaps even allow him to play football this season, as he has not yet been suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell. The bottom line here? Vick is now a fixture in the news for all the wrong reasons. Selig just announced he will not penalize Jason Giambi for the latter’s admission that he knowingly took steroids, but Vick is simply more loathed right now. Both are in hot water for poor decision-making, but Vick’s image is currently in much worse shape.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

Your winner: Bonds.

Owens has been quieter than a mute librarian this off-season, prompting many to wonder if he has actually been abducted and replaced by a docile alien host. Sure, he hated playing for Bill Parcells, a fact he made abundantly clear. But you’d think he would stir the training camp pot just a little. No? Sorry, Terrell. Your run at ultimate hatred ends here. Bonds, you might recall, polarized the baseball world recently by breaking the hallowed all-time homerun mark (you want an asterisk? How about denial? No one wants to touch its legitimacy, at least not in the immediate aftermath). While it might be a touchy subject, one thing is clear. The majority of “sports nation”, if you will, does not favour Barry Bonds. And that’s putting it nicely.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: Jones.

The Human Handful (make that double handful if you’re counting arrests) has done it again and ended MLSE’s dream of being this tournament’s George Mason. Yes, Mr. Jones has been a topic of conversation in the sports world of late because of his forray into the wrestling arena. Well, not exactly, thanks to a quick veto from his NFL employer. When he realized the Titans weren’t going to let him put himself in danger of getting hurt (a.k.a. living his everyday life), he decided it would be better to just talk about it. Or, more accurately, rap about it. This guy is incapable of restoring his image, despite his desperate attempts. All he has to do is serve his time and try to be a respectable human being. We all know that’s not going to happen, which is why he is moving on to the semi-finals.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Your winner: Donaghy.

Tyson entered this event with a ranking that was, in all honesty, higher than many would have expected. As the Donaghy story unravelled (and continues to do so), it became apparent that he would be the giant-killer and Cinderella entry in the field. The latest news that he has now plead guilty to two felony charges gives him a relatively easy win over Tyson, who hasn’t been heard from in months. People are genuinely angry and shocked at Donaghy, and boxing’s most tragic and unfortunate figure has gotten lost in the shuffle. He’s now completely out of the limelight, which might be the best thing for him. As for Donaghy, his fate has only begun to spiral downward. He’s on his way to further shame and is one of the four remaining figures in the first annual “Who’s NOT?” tournament.

So, there’s your Final Four. It’s a competitive group (of disliked personalities, of course). We’re in for a classic showdown of the worst characters the sports world has to offer. Will Jones challenge Bonds to a wrestling match? Will Donaghy alter the outcome of his semi-final tilt with Michael Vick? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

No-No? No.

By now, loyal readers are familiar with my thoughts on the 2007 Toronto Blue Jays, but this afternoon, all that realism and skepticism took a well deserved day off.

On a day when I was reacquainted with broadcasting veteran (and Hockey Night in Canada heir apparent) Jim Hughson and booth rookie Jesse Barfield, there was much to talk about. Ironically, though, it was what wasn’t being mentioned that was the story. Toronto starter Dustin McGowan, coming off a rough outing against the Dodgers on Tuesday but having pitched five quality starts beforehand, flirted with history. The 25-year-old took a no-hitter into the top of the 9th inning, and CBC handled the event with tremendous tact, especially given the following factors:

While a no-no is in progress (ie. it’s at least the 6th inning and a pitcher has yet to allow a hit), it is a “no-no” to mention the no-hitter. You just don’t. It’s an unwritten baseball rule, like the tit-for-tat hit-by-pitch code. It’s been that way for over one hundred years, and those who violate it often suffer the consequences. The pitcher approaching the feat is always alone on the bench during his run at history, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. No one wants to be the one to jinx it for him, and he doesn’t want to ruin it for himself. These are baseball institutions, as storied as the seventh-inning stretch or chewing tobacco.

It’s harder than it seems to avoid mentioning something like this while it is in progress. As a broadcaster, it’s your duty to both describe the events unfolding in front of you and provide historical comparisons and insight to balance those events. You must not anger the baseball gods by mentioning it, but you feel it’s necessary as the central story of the game. For the three men entrusted with this difficult task, it must have been similar to how George Constanza felt when he had to keep the secret that Jon Lovitz’s character never had cancer. The one key difference?

The CBC did not once refer to what was taking place, with Hughson, Barfield and Rance Mulliniks fully aware but cautiously avoiding the ‘other’ n-word. No no-hitter-related images or statistics were shown. Nothing. We’ve all seen broadcasts in which the crew realizes what’s happening and brings up graphics putting it in context. These, of course, are now members of the oh-so-memorable One-Hitter Club.

But give the public broadcaster credit. Sunday’s contest was only its second baseball telecast since 2002 (and for Hughson, just his second baseball game in thirteen years). As the game progressed, I kept waiting for someone in the three-man broadcast team to say “no-hitter”, “history” or anything else that would have sealed their fate and ruined the afternoon. But it never came, and for that, they are to be commended.

I was wondering who would blow it first, and this actually became a great sub-plot. Barfield was the obvious choice, being the least experienced, having interrupted both Hughson and Mulliniks throughout the game and having shown unpredictable bursts of emotion (as Frank Thomas’ 499th home run was leaving the yard, Hughson was calling it when suddenly Barfield shouted “See ya!” over top of the play-by-play call). After all was said and done, though, the only times we heard the dreaded words came after McGowan gave up the hit to Jeff Baker to lead off the final frame.

Hughson showed no rust whatsoever and picked up right where he left off (the strike-shortened 1994 season, if you recall). It was a bit like Marv Albert calling a hockey game (yes, he has done Rangers broadcasts) or Al Michaels doing basketball. You know it’s not their forte, but they still do a fantastic job.

Mulliniks was his usual self. He is a very knowledgeable baseball man and articulates his thoughts well, but he tries to dominate a little too much and it sometimes shows. Twice during Sunday’s broadcast, he made predictions which turned out to be inaccurate and it hurt his credibility. In one instance, he suggested a batter would take a 3-1 pitch, but when the hitter grounded out instead of taking one, Mulliniks berated him for the next few minutes and defended his strategy. Look, Rance. Even the best broadcasters make mistakes. It’s dealing with them professionally that makes them the best.

Oh, and McGowan? Suffocating stuff on Sunday. Alliterations aside, his control was never in doubt. He mixed pitches well (credit Greg Zaun for managing the game well while facing a strong Colorado lineup) and dominated from start to finish. His only blemishes were the Baker hit and the walk he issued to Kaz Matsui in the fourth inning. Sure, it would have been just the second no-hitter in the history of the franchise and the first since Dave Stieb shut down Cleveland on September 2, 1990, but it was a terrific performance nonetheless.

As Mulliniks said this afternoon, “He finally gets it.” Six quality starts in his last seven outings? That’s nothing to stay quiet about.

Baseball. Yep, It’s Happening.

Sure, it’s only June, but plenty has already transpired in Major League Baseball. In case you’ve been living in a cave or are one of the many “I-dont-start-watching-until-August-when-the-games-start-to-matter” folks, there have been a few things to catch up on. We’ve seen fights, scandals and many surprises thus far. It’s a six-month marathon, so we’ll forgive you if you haven’t paid close attention yet. So, to keep you in the conversation at the water cooler, here are four things you may have missed in the first few months of the 2007 baseball season:

1. The Milwaukee Brewers are a first-place team. So it’s in the National League Central, perennially one of baseball’s worst divisions. Who cares? The Brew Crew have climbed to the top thanks to a 34-29 record (stunning, I know). The real story here is that St. Louis, Houston and Chicago (more on that later) have sputtered out of the gate. Big deal. There’s plenty of time left, but it’s nice to see a proud baseball city enjoying some moderate success early. Plus, with Prince Fielder and Tony Gwynn, Jr., they give us one of the only ’80s flashbacks we actually want to have.

2. Apparently, it’s possible to pitch at Coors Field. Meet Jeff Francis. The 26-year-old Vancouverite is now in his fourth year in the pitching hell that is Denver, Colorado. But guess what? His ERA is actually under 600,000. The promising young arm is 5-5 with a 3.81 ERA. He has gone at least seven innings in his last eight starts despite the thin, homer-inducing Rocky Mountain air. Get him on a contending team and he is capable of 15-18 wins, even though he looks like the last guy on the Little League team to have his growth spurt.

3. Alex Rodriguez is leading the majors in home runs, runs batted in and controversial headlines. A-Rod had quite a trip to Toronto a couple weeks ago. There was, of course, the “Mine!” incident, during which Rodriguez yelled at and startled Howie Clark just as the Blue Jays third baseman was settling under a routine fly ball. Just one day earlier, the headline makers were on cloud nine as the Yankees slugger was caught with an unidentified blonde woman outside the Four Seasons Hotel downtown. It should be noted that the rest of the Bronx Bombers were staying at the Park Hyatt, another hotel just down the block. Take that for what it is. By the way, Rodriguez has 24 homeruns and 63 RBIs. He sure makes it hard to appreciate his gifts, doesn’t he? Rodriguez has now joined Barry Bonds in the “Talented Jerk” department, and it only took him a couple days in May.

4. If Chicago is the Windy City, the Cubs are a Category 5 right now. This is not what Lou Piniella signed up for. After hauling in Alfonso Soriano, Cliff Floyd and Jason Marquis (among others), the Cubs expected big things this season. Well, they got big things alright. A heated dugout dust-up between Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett was the unexpected product of the team blowing a five-run lead to Atlanta on June 1. Then, Piniella himself decided to get in on the act, bumping umpire Mark Wegner in a late-game tirade on June 4 against, you guessed it, Atlanta. Sweet Lou was suspended for four games for what many called a desperate attempt to unify a truly discombobulated club. There is still a lot of baseball to be played and they do play in the N.L. Central, but the panic button has been pushed in Chicago.

Honourable mentions have to go out to Gary Sheffield’s remarks about Latino players and Torii Hunter’s response.

You’re barbecuing, heading to the beach and drinking on the patio, so it must be summer. It’s time to start watching baseball.

Pump Up the Jam: A Tribute to Music in Sports

Last week, I had an idea. My thought process went something like this:

“I should write about changes I would make as commissioner of the NBA.”

Turns out it was great. [Scroll down a bit to read it.] But the last change I recommended (“cut the music during gameplay”) went a tad overboard. In case it was unclear, what I actually meant to propose was getting rid of the remixes of Top 40 songs during game action, not the accompanying tunes which augment and enhance the in-game experience so well. Music has always had a place in the sports world, and the coupling of jams and jocks has been a (mostly) successful marriage for decades.

So in light of this little misunderstanding, I thought I would make up for it by expressing my love for sports music in a little tribute. Here are some of the most memorable examples of music used at sporting events since the first instruments and PA systems were permitted in stadiums across the land. They aren’t ranked, because it’s an apples-and-oranges kind of thing. Different leagues, eras and contexts. Let’s get to the tunes. Enjoy.

“The Brass Bonanza” (Hartford Whalers, WHA, NHL). If you ever played NHLPA Hockey ‘93 for the Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis, you know this tune. I had this one stuck in my head for days on end back then and after listening to it again on the official “Brass Bonanza” website, the memories have been rekindled. There’s even an extended version for those hardcore Bonanza buffs. The big band sound was sorely lacking in NHL arenas until Jack Say’s gem came along, and thanks to the internet, it doesn’t have to go away.

“Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. No trip to the ballpark is complete without the time honoured seventh-inning stretch, and Jack Norworth’s 1908 composition still rings out to this day. The song has been covered by numerous bands and artists (Vince Guaraldi for the Peanuts gang, Jacqueline Schwab and Dr. John for the Ken Burns series, King Curtis and of course the parade of celebrities at Wrigley Field) but its most appealing quality is the fact that it encourages fan participation. I still remember the first time I sang it at a Major League game.

“Roundball Rock”, the NBA on NBC theme song. Just thinking about it sends shivers down your spine. Admit it. We’re all ashamed to love this tune (because it’s written by John Tesh) but it’s just too good. Watch this clip and tell me you don’t have visions of Knicks/Pacers, Bulls/Jazz or Lakers/Blazers:

I would venture as far as to say this could be the greatest non-hockey sports television theme ever. ABC elected not to buy the rights to the tune when they took over the national weekly NBA broadcasts, and nothing they have tried has come close to getting us on the edge of our seats the way “Roundball Rock” did so often. It even made its way into pop culture, when Tesh was a guest on Late Night with Conan O’Brien:

“The Super Bowl Shuffle” (1985 Chicago Bears). It was cheesy. It was contrived. It was a bunch of tone-deaf athletes making fools of themselves. But it was a glimpse at the lighter side of an intensely focused, Mike Ditka-coached machine. Give me a thousand reasons why this song/video was terrible, and I’ll give you the very same thousand for why it was tremendous. Watch it and try not to lose it when you hear the legend, Walter Payton say, “They call me ‘Sweetness’ and I like to dance/Running the ball is like makin’ romance.”

You can’t possibly keep a straight face watching punter Maury Buford (#8) playing the cowbell. It’s just not possible.

“Sweet Georgia Brown”, the Harlem Globetrotters theme. Truly a classic, this Brother Bones tune would join “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as the first inductees into the Sports Music Hall of Fame (if such a place existed). The song’s appeal lies in its playfulness, simplicity and care-free whistling. Everyone has a Globetrotters story, and their song, like the team itself, has endured for decades.

“Gonna Fly Now” (The Rocky films). Bill Conti composed the track for the 1976 Best Picture award-winning “Rocky”, and never let us forget the title character’s rise to the top of those steps in Philadelphia (and his figurative rise to the top of the boxing world). DeEtta Little and Nelson Pigford supplied those chilling background vocals while the underdog trained mercilessly. The now famous scene, of course, climaxes with Rocky ascending the Philadelphia Museum of Art and raising his arms in victory (like I had to tell you that). This is an example of the perfect marriage between music and sports, but it’s more than that. It’s a milestone in cinematic scoring, and a truly inspiring moment we’ll never forget.

The “Hockey Night in Canada” theme. Known simply as “The Hockey Theme”, it was written by Dolores Claman (of “Ontari-ari-o” fame) in 1968. Start playing this song and I guarantee vivid childhood memories of late nights, ponds, and playoffs will start to flow. Every Canadian (every true Canadian, anyway) can hum or whistle the tune, and many have called it the nation’s “other” national anthem. Whether you’re from the Foster Hewitt or Bob Cole eras, you can’t say anything bad about this song in a crowd and expect to survive. It is beloved not only because it brings us back to those great games and memories of the past, but also because it continues to take us to new heights every time we hear it.

Those are just a few legendary musical contributions to the sports world. There are many more, and here’s hoping you thought of a few while reading this. Until next time, keep humming, whistling and singing along.