Pass the Aspirin: The Return of Ron-Ron and Ricky

“Congratulations, Ron Artest and Ricky Williams. Welcome back into our lives.”

We’ll just go ahead and assume that wasn’t your initial reaction if you happened upon the news that two of the sports world’s most notorious figures were reinstated in their respective leagues yesterday.

Artest’s seven-game suspension for domestic abuse came to an end tonight, as he suited up for the Sacramento Kings in a regular season game for the first time since last spring.

Meanwhile, Ricky Williams was officially reinstated by the National Football League on the same day, after serving an 18-month ban for repeatedly testing positive for marijuana.

Upstanding citizens, aren’t they? It’s not easy to be sympathetic towards two of the most troubled athletes in North America. But while you shouldn’t shed a tear for them, there actually are reasons to trot out the welcome wagon.

Sure, Williams is the ultimate headache, but his return to the winless Miami Dolphins is absolutely what the once proud franchise deserves. Really, from a karmic standpoint, this is exactly what should happen. Think about it. The Dolphins had a chance to give their fans hope in last summer’s NFL draft, but abruptly turned their back on them, passing on promising quarterback Brady Quinn in favour of receiver Ted Ginn, Jr. Despite riding Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino for almost two decades, they could never translate it into a championship or successful run of playoff appearances. This is a poorly run organization, from top to bottom. Don’t believe me? Get Don Shula drunk and ask him.

So after failing to confront Williams’ ongoing drug problems head on for years, they were given his inconsistency and abrasiveness with the media as a reward. The mercurial running back simply isn’t worth the trouble he causes. We know that. They know that. The odd thing is, there are very few things going right with the Dolphins these days, and their running game is one of them. Jesse Chatman has stepped in for the injured Ronnie Brown and delivered fairly consistent numbers. So why the talk of a Ricky Williams-Miami reunion? Because at this point, they get more attention being the laughingstock than the winless team with one promising fill-in.

Normally, headaches are painful and annoying. But in this case? Let’s hope they re-sign him.

And then, there’s Ron-Ron.

Artest’s situation is obviously a little different, considering he was still the property of a professional sports team while he was forced to sit at home and play video games with his entourage. But the most glaring parallel to Williams, of course, is that Artest is also a repeat offender. He was infamously suspended along with eight other players in the now infamous “Malice at the Palace” on Nov. 19, 2004 (we’re five days from the three-year anniversary, in case you don’t have it circled on your calendar). The brawl left a black eye on the game of basketball and spurred wholesale changes in the way the game is now marketed and perceived. Artest, as you may know, was banned for the remainder of the season.

On January 30 of this year, the Sacramento Bee reported that he was “failing to provide proper sustenance” to his dog. And, most recently, there was the domestic abuse charge in March. He was sentenced to 20 days in a county jail and community service, while Kings’ general manger Geoff Petrie suspended him for the first seven games of the season. This is the bad Artest.

The good Artest? That’s the one who’s consistently one of fantasy basketball’s most productive players. It’s the one who was the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year in 2004. It’s the one who released a widely panned rap album. It’s the one who was asked by ESPN The Magazine about appearing in the All-Star game and responded by saying the following:

“They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won’t shoot, but I’ll dominate that easy game. I’ll be playing hard defense. I’ll be foulin’. I’ll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, ‘What are you doing?’”

As volatile and unpredictable as he is, the league needs his personality. Now, it goes without saying that domestic abuse is a horrible crime. Please don’t misunderstand this. But the man has done his time. There’s something to be said for forgiveness, even when we’re dealing with hardly sympathetic figures.

And speaking of figures, I’ll take his statistics any day of the week. Artest’s output in his long-awaited return?

17 points, 6 assists, 3 rebounds, 3 3-pointers, 3 steals, 1 block.

These two men give sports the antagonists they so desperately need. They also provide colour and humour to leagues that all too often take themselves too seriously. Welcome back, Ron and Ricky. You’ve paid your debts to society. May you continue to make us cringe, sigh and laugh all at once.

“Who’s NOT?” Final Four and Championship Results

With fans and readers clammoring for any minute tidbit of information regarding the results of the first annual “Who’s NOT?” championship, the jury was under an immense amount of pressure. But the disgraced former athletes of years past came through in the clutch, casting the votes that have now determined once and for all who is the most loathed figure in the sports world. The envelopes were heavily guarded and the lips were all but surgically sealed, and here we are. It is time, ladies and gentlemen, for…

Fine. I’ll just tell you who won.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (3) Adam “Pacman” Jones

Neither of these truly abhored athletes were anywhere close to the headlines in the past week, although the mercurial slugger was mentioned in waiver/trade discussions. After an eventful summer, Jones completely fell off the radar and the NFL has avoided him like the plague as their season approaches. For good reason. While Bonds is periodically sitting out of games, at least he is playing. As a result, he’s still (at least faintly) in the public’s consciousness. Pacman is about as relevant as Mrs. Pac-Man right now. What’s that? She’s making a comeback?

Your semi-final winner: Bonds.

(1) Michael Vick vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

With the news of Vick’s guilty plea buzzing around the sports world and the general news world alike, he was the odds-on favourite to advance here. The number-one seed illicited such a passionate negative reaction from the public that Donaghy’s indiscretions were dwarfed in the process. Sure, no one in NBA circles has forgotten about the disastrous scandal he thrust upon the league, but with training camp a month away and Vick serving as Public Enemy Number One, this one was over before it began. Give Donaghy credit, as he rode the cottails of a shocking, unravelling news story to the semi-finals of this unpopularity contest. After being handed a low seed by the selection committee (considering the magnitude of his story), Donaghy felt shafted and tried hard to bribe his way to a higher ranking. To no avail. He proved a point, that he deserved to be hated more than he initially was. But then he ran into the incomparably detested former Falcons’ quarterback, and there was simply no stopping Vick.

Your semi-final winner: Vick.

So, fitttingly, the 2007 “Who’s NOT?” championship game pitted the top two tournament seeds. We expected them to be here, and they delivered. An accused steroid user versus an accused dogfight conspirator. It was going to be a battle to end all battles. But it wasn’t.

Vick was the overwhelming favourite. After all, people had seen so much coverage of the investigation surrounding him that they were getting sick of it. Sick of a man who, many would argue, brought an excitement and bewilderment level to the game that had not been seen since the heydays of Gale Sayers or Jerry Rice. He brought in non-football fans like only a few have done before, but it would all come crashing down. He went from football hero to societal villain virtually overnight (unless you count giving the finger to fans after the loss to New Orleans last year, which was perhaps the act of a frustrated, scared man who could sense what was coming).

What did we learn from the public Vick backlash? People love dogs. More than human beings. The most interesting thing we learned though, was that most people felt they needed to react with outrage towards him out of fear that any shred of sympathy would label them as evil, animal haters. People in both the media and the general public felt they had to react angrily towards this case because they were scared that their co-workers and friends would consider them to be horrible people otherwise. Of course what he did was absolutely dispicable and utterly deplorable. But this triggered a violent outcry because people were afraid of saying nothing and being labelled as sympathetic to his cause.

Oh, right. The contest.

Your tournament champion: Vick.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Three: The Elite Eight.

The wait is over. The results of the first two rounds of our “Who’s NOT?” competition are in, and it’s time to find out who has qualified for Round Three. Who has inched one step closer to being the most unpopular entity in sports? Without further ado, let’s break it down:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Vick.

The tournament’s top seed has been in the news consistently since this bracket began, and he has now ended all hope for a Selig-Bonds championship final. Vick is more deserving of a Final Four berth than Selig, as he has been a water cooler staple for much of the summer since the investigation into the dogfighting ring he allegedly took part in was made public. The one-time NFL posterboy is negotiating a plea agreement through his legal team which they hope will reduce his punishment and perhaps even allow him to play football this season, as he has not yet been suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell. The bottom line here? Vick is now a fixture in the news for all the wrong reasons. Selig just announced he will not penalize Jason Giambi for the latter’s admission that he knowingly took steroids, but Vick is simply more loathed right now. Both are in hot water for poor decision-making, but Vick’s image is currently in much worse shape.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

Your winner: Bonds.

Owens has been quieter than a mute librarian this off-season, prompting many to wonder if he has actually been abducted and replaced by a docile alien host. Sure, he hated playing for Bill Parcells, a fact he made abundantly clear. But you’d think he would stir the training camp pot just a little. No? Sorry, Terrell. Your run at ultimate hatred ends here. Bonds, you might recall, polarized the baseball world recently by breaking the hallowed all-time homerun mark (you want an asterisk? How about denial? No one wants to touch its legitimacy, at least not in the immediate aftermath). While it might be a touchy subject, one thing is clear. The majority of “sports nation”, if you will, does not favour Barry Bonds. And that’s putting it nicely.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: Jones.

The Human Handful (make that double handful if you’re counting arrests) has done it again and ended MLSE’s dream of being this tournament’s George Mason. Yes, Mr. Jones has been a topic of conversation in the sports world of late because of his forray into the wrestling arena. Well, not exactly, thanks to a quick veto from his NFL employer. When he realized the Titans weren’t going to let him put himself in danger of getting hurt (a.k.a. living his everyday life), he decided it would be better to just talk about it. Or, more accurately, rap about it. This guy is incapable of restoring his image, despite his desperate attempts. All he has to do is serve his time and try to be a respectable human being. We all know that’s not going to happen, which is why he is moving on to the semi-finals.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Your winner: Donaghy.

Tyson entered this event with a ranking that was, in all honesty, higher than many would have expected. As the Donaghy story unravelled (and continues to do so), it became apparent that he would be the giant-killer and Cinderella entry in the field. The latest news that he has now plead guilty to two felony charges gives him a relatively easy win over Tyson, who hasn’t been heard from in months. People are genuinely angry and shocked at Donaghy, and boxing’s most tragic and unfortunate figure has gotten lost in the shuffle. He’s now completely out of the limelight, which might be the best thing for him. As for Donaghy, his fate has only begun to spiral downward. He’s on his way to further shame and is one of the four remaining figures in the first annual “Who’s NOT?” tournament.

So, there’s your Final Four. It’s a competitive group (of disliked personalities, of course). We’re in for a classic showdown of the worst characters the sports world has to offer. Will Jones challenge Bonds to a wrestling match? Will Donaghy alter the outcome of his semi-final tilt with Michael Vick? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

Pump Up the Jam: A Tribute to Music in Sports

Last week, I had an idea. My thought process went something like this:

“I should write about changes I would make as commissioner of the NBA.”

Turns out it was great. [Scroll down a bit to read it.] But the last change I recommended (“cut the music during gameplay”) went a tad overboard. In case it was unclear, what I actually meant to propose was getting rid of the remixes of Top 40 songs during game action, not the accompanying tunes which augment and enhance the in-game experience so well. Music has always had a place in the sports world, and the coupling of jams and jocks has been a (mostly) successful marriage for decades.

So in light of this little misunderstanding, I thought I would make up for it by expressing my love for sports music in a little tribute. Here are some of the most memorable examples of music used at sporting events since the first instruments and PA systems were permitted in stadiums across the land. They aren’t ranked, because it’s an apples-and-oranges kind of thing. Different leagues, eras and contexts. Let’s get to the tunes. Enjoy.

“The Brass Bonanza” (Hartford Whalers, WHA, NHL). If you ever played NHLPA Hockey ‘93 for the Super Nintendo or Sega Genesis, you know this tune. I had this one stuck in my head for days on end back then and after listening to it again on the official “Brass Bonanza” website, the memories have been rekindled. There’s even an extended version for those hardcore Bonanza buffs. The big band sound was sorely lacking in NHL arenas until Jack Say’s gem came along, and thanks to the internet, it doesn’t have to go away.

“Take Me Out to the Ballgame”. No trip to the ballpark is complete without the time honoured seventh-inning stretch, and Jack Norworth’s 1908 composition still rings out to this day. The song has been covered by numerous bands and artists (Vince Guaraldi for the Peanuts gang, Jacqueline Schwab and Dr. John for the Ken Burns series, King Curtis and of course the parade of celebrities at Wrigley Field) but its most appealing quality is the fact that it encourages fan participation. I still remember the first time I sang it at a Major League game.

“Roundball Rock”, the NBA on NBC theme song. Just thinking about it sends shivers down your spine. Admit it. We’re all ashamed to love this tune (because it’s written by John Tesh) but it’s just too good. Watch this clip and tell me you don’t have visions of Knicks/Pacers, Bulls/Jazz or Lakers/Blazers:

I would venture as far as to say this could be the greatest non-hockey sports television theme ever. ABC elected not to buy the rights to the tune when they took over the national weekly NBA broadcasts, and nothing they have tried has come close to getting us on the edge of our seats the way “Roundball Rock” did so often. It even made its way into pop culture, when Tesh was a guest on Late Night with Conan O’Brien:

“The Super Bowl Shuffle” (1985 Chicago Bears). It was cheesy. It was contrived. It was a bunch of tone-deaf athletes making fools of themselves. But it was a glimpse at the lighter side of an intensely focused, Mike Ditka-coached machine. Give me a thousand reasons why this song/video was terrible, and I’ll give you the very same thousand for why it was tremendous. Watch it and try not to lose it when you hear the legend, Walter Payton say, “They call me ‘Sweetness’ and I like to dance/Running the ball is like makin’ romance.”

You can’t possibly keep a straight face watching punter Maury Buford (#8) playing the cowbell. It’s just not possible.

“Sweet Georgia Brown”, the Harlem Globetrotters theme. Truly a classic, this Brother Bones tune would join “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as the first inductees into the Sports Music Hall of Fame (if such a place existed). The song’s appeal lies in its playfulness, simplicity and care-free whistling. Everyone has a Globetrotters story, and their song, like the team itself, has endured for decades.

“Gonna Fly Now” (The Rocky films). Bill Conti composed the track for the 1976 Best Picture award-winning “Rocky”, and never let us forget the title character’s rise to the top of those steps in Philadelphia (and his figurative rise to the top of the boxing world). DeEtta Little and Nelson Pigford supplied those chilling background vocals while the underdog trained mercilessly. The now famous scene, of course, climaxes with Rocky ascending the Philadelphia Museum of Art and raising his arms in victory (like I had to tell you that). This is an example of the perfect marriage between music and sports, but it’s more than that. It’s a milestone in cinematic scoring, and a truly inspiring moment we’ll never forget.

The “Hockey Night in Canada” theme. Known simply as “The Hockey Theme”, it was written by Dolores Claman (of “Ontari-ari-o” fame) in 1968. Start playing this song and I guarantee vivid childhood memories of late nights, ponds, and playoffs will start to flow. Every Canadian (every true Canadian, anyway) can hum or whistle the tune, and many have called it the nation’s “other” national anthem. Whether you’re from the Foster Hewitt or Bob Cole eras, you can’t say anything bad about this song in a crowd and expect to survive. It is beloved not only because it brings us back to those great games and memories of the past, but also because it continues to take us to new heights every time we hear it.

Those are just a few legendary musical contributions to the sports world. There are many more, and here’s hoping you thought of a few while reading this. Until next time, keep humming, whistling and singing along.