How to Be an American Sports Star: A Guide For David Beckham

Dear Becks,

You sure looked happy to be joining Major League Soccer’s L.A. Galaxy in today’s press conference. I mean, sure, seeing all of those zeroes on your paycheque would be enough to make anyone but Karl Marx smile. This is a new opportunity for you (and your trophy wife) to make American dollars and become even more famous expose yourself to a new culture. But it won’t be a cakewalk. I know, I know. You’re used to being “in the spotlight” and “under the microscope” of the British tabloids. Well, trust me. This is America. This is Hollywood. You haven’t seen anything yet. Don’t worry, though. As a welcome gift, we present to you a few tips that will help you fit in and become a true sports celebrity on this side of the pond. Enjoy.

1. Convince ABC to employ a cameraman whose sole job is to shoot Victoria Beckham for the duration of all Galaxy games. This worked wonders for Eva Longoria. Plus, it won Tony Parker a dubious Finals MVP award. You can’t go wrong.

2. With the endorsement deals flooding in, you’ll be called by all the major players in the corporate world. That’s exactly why you’ll sign on to do a spot for Marina Auto Upholstery in Venice. Every American star does a used car ad, it’s like a right of passage. You haven’t truly arrived until you’ve read from a cue card.

3. Remove the pronoun “I” from your vocabulary. From now on, you’ll refer to yourself exclusively in the third-person. After all, your billboards are larger than life, right? Your ego should be as inflated as the blimp flying over your games. Say goodbye to “I’m taking it one game at a time,” and say hello to “David Beckham doesn’t know how the stripper ended up in his hotel room,” and “David Beckham thinks he shouldn’t have been suspended for kicking that referee.”

4. One word: Entourage. Soon, not only will you have one (which, incidentally, will not include the arm candy or the kids), you’ll be on the HBO show of the same name. Your posse will, of course, flank you whenever you are seen off the field and hit you up for cash which you’ll be more than happy to dish out. As for the TV gig, cameo appearances on popular shows and movies are essential for all North American superstars. Shaq had Curb Your Enthusiasm. Wayne Gretzky had The Young and the Restless. Brett Favre had There’s Something About Mary. David Beckham will soon have the trendiest show among the 18-34 demo in North America. Trust me, this will work.

5. You’ll need a great nickname. You know, one that isn’t just a short form of your last name (although it does remind us of beer). I’m putting my vote in right now for “Old Spice”. And hey, that deodorant commercial writes itself. Whatever handle you choose, it will give you instant street cred and turn you into a household name beyond the British Isles.

6. You know the Bentley, the Rolls Royce and the Aston Martin parked in your old garage? It’s time to raise them to the rafters. First thing tomorrow, you’re heading to the Cadillac dealership and picking up an Escalade. It’s how the sports icons on this side of the Atlantic roll. Remember, I don’t mean to sound like Lou Dobbs here. It’s just what you have to do to relate to your new fan base. Oh, and while you’re at it, stop by the Hummer lot and grab yourself an H3. I hear that gets you instant membership in the Y.R.A.U. (the Young and Rich Athletes Union, where LeBron James serves as president).

7. Before season’s end, you should do at least one of the following: a. Get arrested for a misdemeanor and pay your way out of jail time, b. whine about a lack of playing time even when you go three weeks without scoring, or c. conduct a serious sit-down interview in which you earn sympathy from fans. The Sunday Conversation on ESPN SportsCenter is always good for your rep and they’ll throw you beachballs for questions. 60 Minutes is great if you’re looking to break into the lucrative 35-59 demo, and their journalistic integrity (not you, Rooney) gives you instant credibility with the average American. You can play the ‘chip on your shoulder’ card, and tell us about being idolized by millions of fans but never fulfilling their dream of winning a World Cup title for England.

So there you have it. Here’s hoping you take this advice to heart and become the next American superstar athlete. Then again, you’re now 32 and you’ll be making $250 million over the next five years. So, while we’re on the subject of Hollywood, one question comes to mind: What’s your motivation?

Slow News Day: Fanatics Indeed

The modern sports fan is angry. Escalating ticket prices, overpaid athletes and owners who gladly shell out their salaries make it hard not to sympathize with the fan who has to put up with the circus that is professional sports. Without fans, there are no leagues, after all. But the two fan-related stories that surfaced today raise the question: how much influence should paying patrons ultimately have?

Blinded by the Light: This one hurts baseball, the city of New York and its loyal, usually law abiding fans. According to this Associated Press report, Frank Martinez, 40, has been barred from Shea Stadium for three years for shining a flashlight in the eyes of Atlanta Braves pitcher Tim Hudson and shortstop Edgar Renteria during a game on April 20. Really? This is a new low for the Big Apple. This is the same town that chanted “Fire Layden” at the NBA Draft a few years back and stole a critical fly ball from Baltimore’s Tony Tarasco in the 1996 American League Championship Series. Yet those actions are tame compared to Frank’s little flashlight stunt. Surely it crossed the line and there’s not a whole lot of sympathy floating around right now, but if anything, it was original.

Nantes So Forgiving: According to several sources, former Manchester United and French national team goalkeeper Fabien Barthez is fleeing his club team, Nantes, after being attacked by a fan following a 2-0 loss to Rennes that put the club dangerously close to relegation for the first time in team history. Barthez had come out of retirement to help the struggling squad, and told radio station France Info about the run-in that may end his career. “A gang of five or six guys came to block me from leaving the stadium,” he said. “They were there to rub me out, as they said.” Just when you thought North American fans were passionate, soccer fans in Europe make sports enthusiasts across the pond seem Eeyore-esque. If you’re hungry for more, check out the Belfast Telegraph’s version of the events.

So, what’s left to be said here? While the majority of fans are civil, loyal and often display sportsmanship that the athletes themselves could learn from, there are always a few who ruin it for the rest. Here’s hoping Frank Martinez and his compadres overseas realize that it’s just a game and that coughing up a c-note to attend a sporting event doesn’t give you the right to inflict physical harm.