“Who’s NOT?” Round Three: The Elite Eight.

The wait is over. The results of the first two rounds of our “Who’s NOT?” competition are in, and it’s time to find out who has qualified for Round Three. Who has inched one step closer to being the most unpopular entity in sports? Without further ado, let’s break it down:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Vick.

The tournament’s top seed has been in the news consistently since this bracket began, and he has now ended all hope for a Selig-Bonds championship final. Vick is more deserving of a Final Four berth than Selig, as he has been a water cooler staple for much of the summer since the investigation into the dogfighting ring he allegedly took part in was made public. The one-time NFL posterboy is negotiating a plea agreement through his legal team which they hope will reduce his punishment and perhaps even allow him to play football this season, as he has not yet been suspended by commissioner Roger Goodell. The bottom line here? Vick is now a fixture in the news for all the wrong reasons. Selig just announced he will not penalize Jason Giambi for the latter’s admission that he knowingly took steroids, but Vick is simply more loathed right now. Both are in hot water for poor decision-making, but Vick’s image is currently in much worse shape.

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

Your winner: Bonds.

Owens has been quieter than a mute librarian this off-season, prompting many to wonder if he has actually been abducted and replaced by a docile alien host. Sure, he hated playing for Bill Parcells, a fact he made abundantly clear. But you’d think he would stir the training camp pot just a little. No? Sorry, Terrell. Your run at ultimate hatred ends here. Bonds, you might recall, polarized the baseball world recently by breaking the hallowed all-time homerun mark (you want an asterisk? How about denial? No one wants to touch its legitimacy, at least not in the immediate aftermath). While it might be a touchy subject, one thing is clear. The majority of “sports nation”, if you will, does not favour Barry Bonds. And that’s putting it nicely.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: Jones.

The Human Handful (make that double handful if you’re counting arrests) has done it again and ended MLSE’s dream of being this tournament’s George Mason. Yes, Mr. Jones has been a topic of conversation in the sports world of late because of his forray into the wrestling arena. Well, not exactly, thanks to a quick veto from his NFL employer. When he realized the Titans weren’t going to let him put himself in danger of getting hurt (a.k.a. living his everyday life), he decided it would be better to just talk about it. Or, more accurately, rap about it. This guy is incapable of restoring his image, despite his desperate attempts. All he has to do is serve his time and try to be a respectable human being. We all know that’s not going to happen, which is why he is moving on to the semi-finals.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Your winner: Donaghy.

Tyson entered this event with a ranking that was, in all honesty, higher than many would have expected. As the Donaghy story unravelled (and continues to do so), it became apparent that he would be the giant-killer and Cinderella entry in the field. The latest news that he has now plead guilty to two felony charges gives him a relatively easy win over Tyson, who hasn’t been heard from in months. People are genuinely angry and shocked at Donaghy, and boxing’s most tragic and unfortunate figure has gotten lost in the shuffle. He’s now completely out of the limelight, which might be the best thing for him. As for Donaghy, his fate has only begun to spiral downward. He’s on his way to further shame and is one of the four remaining figures in the first annual “Who’s NOT?” tournament.

So, there’s your Final Four. It’s a competitive group (of disliked personalities, of course). We’re in for a classic showdown of the worst characters the sports world has to offer. Will Jones challenge Bonds to a wrestling match? Will Donaghy alter the outcome of his semi-final tilt with Michael Vick? You’ll just have to tune in to find out.

“Who’s NOT?” Round Two.

After much deliberation, the jury of disgraced former professional athletes has spoken. The battle to become sports’ most unpopular figure is underway, and while sixteen entities entered the competition, only eight remain. Here’s a recap of the first-round matchups and how they played out:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (16) Rick Tocchet

Your winner: Vick. This was hardly a dogfight (pun intended), as one scandal demolished the other. It’s almost as though sports fans and media alike have completely forgotten about ‘Operation Slapshot’. The same, however, can’t be said for Vick, who is now embroiled in a world of problems. The (former?) quarterback will sit out the entire 2007-08 season, has lost his heap of endorsement deals, and faces an uncertain future of either heavy jail time or simply a mauled reputation (pun intended).

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (15) Daunte Culpepper

Your winner: Bonds. Interestingly enough, both of them made news this week. Culpepper found a home with the Oakland Raiders, while Barry-Barry-Quite-Contrary mashed home run number 755 to tie Henry Aaron for the all-time record. Despite Splog contributor Dave Ling’s argument that “at least Barry Bonds is achieving something”, one has to follow that with, “…but is anyone taking him seriously?” While many might be tracking his attempt to taint the game’s history, how many of those people are actually rooting for him? Culpepper’s popularity has risen recently due to his sudden fantasy impact. Bonds is now one step closer to being the ultimate baseball villain. Somewhere, Pete Rose is smiling.

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (14) Anna Kournikova

Your winner: Jones. Kournikova is so far removed from the public eye and Jones was so recently in it that this became an easy decision. Sure, Anna was once immensely popular and now isn’t, but she’s fallen off the map completely (sorry, World Team Tennis fans). Like this tournament’s number-one seed, Jones will miss the entire 2007-08 NFL season and his reputation among fans and media has been sullied thanks to the handful–err–two handfuls of incidents he has been booked for.

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (13) The Chilean under-20 national soccer team

Your winner: Tyson. Yes, he’s a tragic figure. Yes, he’s aging and on the decline. But in a head-to-head matchup with Chile’s under-20 soccer squad, he is clearly still the more unpopular of the two. Are we even talking about Chile’s World Cup incident any more? Didn’t think so. There was a chance for an upset here, but Tyson is still more loathed. Sure, ask Toronto police who they’d pick and you might have a different result, but “Iron” Mike’s fall from grace is still relevant and despite his sad decline, he remains the more unpopular choice.

(5) Tim Donaghy vs. (12) Sean Sherk

Your winner? Donaghy. The sharks have started to circle around the former NBA referee, and it’s now only a matter of time before he is brought in and given his punishment. Sherk’s story tagged him with a high dose of unpopularity (much like the high dose of performance-enhancing drugs in his system during the drug test), but it was not nearly enough to overcome the league-shattering crooked ref story. Donaghy’s actions have made him public enemy number one in the NBA, and have opened the floodgates on questions regarding gambling and sports. Fans in Toronto, Phoenix and other cities hurt by Donaghy’s manipulation all agree. It’s Donaghy in a landslide.

(6) Gary Sheffield vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

Your winner: MLSE. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first upset of the bracket. This one sent the judges into overtime, and after hours of heated arguments (Ben Johnson said a few things about the East German swim team that he probably didn’t mean), The Corporation edged out Sheffield by the slimmest of margins. MLSE has repeatedly torn the hearts out of Toronto hockey fans over the last decade, and there is not a more disliked business organization in all of sport, save for the Bay Area Lab Co-operative. Sure, Sheffield is guilty of a few despicable acts and culturally divisive remarks, but we know he’s just craving attention. Plus, he’s a dangerous hitter who has never been linked to drug use. He’s injured right now, so we’re sympathetic. This season, he has managed 23 homeruns, 89 runs scored and a .290 batting average in 101 games. Peddie, Tanenbaum and company have a track record that’s much worse, and a reputation to match.

(7) Terrell Owens vs. (10) Alex Rodriguez

Your winner: Owens. This one came oh-so-close to being our second straight upset, but the favourite was able to eke out the victory in the dying seconds. Here’s the thing about this pairing: both of these guys have mended their reputations considerably in the last few months. Rodriguez has stopped (being caught for) his adulterous ways and on-field antics, instead letting his 500th career home run do the talking. He’s now the youngest ever to reach the feat, and people seem to have forgotten the infamous trip to Toronto earlier this season, along with his status as baseball’s spoiled brat. Owens is interesting because he has become popular for being unpopular. This off-season has been his quietest to date, but with A-Rod basking in positive vibes, T.O. wins this tight first-round affair by a hair.

(8) Kobe Bryant vs. (9) Bud Selig

Your winner: Selig. The 8-9 matchups are always hard to handicap, and this one was no different. Bryant is a loathed NBA star, but his whining and desire to leave the Lakers has apparently died down. Selig, on the other hand, finds himself smack dab in the middle of the headlines as Barry Bonds approaches the all-time home run record. His George Mitchell-led investigation of steroids in the game has not moved quickly enough, and it appears the history books will be tarnished before the FBI makes any more headway in the case. Selig never does what is right for the game, despite what he might tell the public. He does what the public expects him to do, and rides the “crusade against drugs” P.R. wave until it fades back into the ocean of baseball news stories. The problem? It won’t. The other problem? If he really wanted to get drugs out of the game, he would have done it years ago when instead, he looked the other way and watched the money bags roll in.

So there you have it. The round of sixteen is in the books and it’s on to the Elite Eight. Here’s a breakdown of the second-round bracket:

(1) Michael Vick vs. (9) Bud Selig

(2) Barry Bonds vs. (7) Terrell Owens

(3) Adam “Pacman” Jones vs. (11) Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment

(4) Mike Tyson vs. (5) Tim Donaghy

Be sure to check back next week to find out who will move on to the Final Four. It promises to be an unpopularity contest for the ages.

How to Be an American Sports Star: A Guide For David Beckham

Dear Becks,

You sure looked happy to be joining Major League Soccer’s L.A. Galaxy in today’s press conference. I mean, sure, seeing all of those zeroes on your paycheque would be enough to make anyone but Karl Marx smile. This is a new opportunity for you (and your trophy wife) to make American dollars and become even more famous expose yourself to a new culture. But it won’t be a cakewalk. I know, I know. You’re used to being “in the spotlight” and “under the microscope” of the British tabloids. Well, trust me. This is America. This is Hollywood. You haven’t seen anything yet. Don’t worry, though. As a welcome gift, we present to you a few tips that will help you fit in and become a true sports celebrity on this side of the pond. Enjoy.

1. Convince ABC to employ a cameraman whose sole job is to shoot Victoria Beckham for the duration of all Galaxy games. This worked wonders for Eva Longoria. Plus, it won Tony Parker a dubious Finals MVP award. You can’t go wrong.

2. With the endorsement deals flooding in, you’ll be called by all the major players in the corporate world. That’s exactly why you’ll sign on to do a spot for Marina Auto Upholstery in Venice. Every American star does a used car ad, it’s like a right of passage. You haven’t truly arrived until you’ve read from a cue card.

3. Remove the pronoun “I” from your vocabulary. From now on, you’ll refer to yourself exclusively in the third-person. After all, your billboards are larger than life, right? Your ego should be as inflated as the blimp flying over your games. Say goodbye to “I’m taking it one game at a time,” and say hello to “David Beckham doesn’t know how the stripper ended up in his hotel room,” and “David Beckham thinks he shouldn’t have been suspended for kicking that referee.”

4. One word: Entourage. Soon, not only will you have one (which, incidentally, will not include the arm candy or the kids), you’ll be on the HBO show of the same name. Your posse will, of course, flank you whenever you are seen off the field and hit you up for cash which you’ll be more than happy to dish out. As for the TV gig, cameo appearances on popular shows and movies are essential for all North American superstars. Shaq had Curb Your Enthusiasm. Wayne Gretzky had The Young and the Restless. Brett Favre had There’s Something About Mary. David Beckham will soon have the trendiest show among the 18-34 demo in North America. Trust me, this will work.

5. You’ll need a great nickname. You know, one that isn’t just a short form of your last name (although it does remind us of beer). I’m putting my vote in right now for “Old Spice”. And hey, that deodorant commercial writes itself. Whatever handle you choose, it will give you instant street cred and turn you into a household name beyond the British Isles.

6. You know the Bentley, the Rolls Royce and the Aston Martin parked in your old garage? It’s time to raise them to the rafters. First thing tomorrow, you’re heading to the Cadillac dealership and picking up an Escalade. It’s how the sports icons on this side of the Atlantic roll. Remember, I don’t mean to sound like Lou Dobbs here. It’s just what you have to do to relate to your new fan base. Oh, and while you’re at it, stop by the Hummer lot and grab yourself an H3. I hear that gets you instant membership in the Y.R.A.U. (the Young and Rich Athletes Union, where LeBron James serves as president).

7. Before season’s end, you should do at least one of the following: a. Get arrested for a misdemeanor and pay your way out of jail time, b. whine about a lack of playing time even when you go three weeks without scoring, or c. conduct a serious sit-down interview in which you earn sympathy from fans. The Sunday Conversation on ESPN SportsCenter is always good for your rep and they’ll throw you beachballs for questions. 60 Minutes is great if you’re looking to break into the lucrative 35-59 demo, and their journalistic integrity (not you, Rooney) gives you instant credibility with the average American. You can play the ‘chip on your shoulder’ card, and tell us about being idolized by millions of fans but never fulfilling their dream of winning a World Cup title for England.

So there you have it. Here’s hoping you take this advice to heart and become the next American superstar athlete. Then again, you’re now 32 and you’ll be making $250 million over the next five years. So, while we’re on the subject of Hollywood, one question comes to mind: What’s your motivation?

Dynasty Digested: The Reign is Over

A 23 year-old college student has dethroned a legend.

Takeru Kobayashi’s incredible run of six consecutive titles is now a thing of the past, thanks to San Jose State University student Joey “Jaws” Chestnut’s record-breaking performance in the 2007 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Chestnut, who was ranked 2nd by the International Federation of Competitive Eating, scarfed down a record 66 HDBs (hot dogs and buns), edging Kobayashi’s total of 63. Both competitors’ 2007 totals exceeded anything previously seen in Nathan’s competition history, and in the end, the underdog prevailed.

The 29 year-old Kobayashi, known in the eating circuit as “The Tsunami”, had won every Nathan’s belt from 2001 to 2006 along with countless others. He averaged 50.2 HDBs per 12-minute championship over his remarkable reign, and is the #1 eater in the world, according to the IFOCE. But the upstart Chestnut proved too much this afternoon in pulling off a truly historic gorging.

Looking back on the Nagano native’s dominance, it’s clear he has to be included on the list of most dominant athletes of our generation. With today’s heartbreaking loss and reports indicating that he was suffering from jaw arthritis going into today’s title bout, it is clear he is entering the decline of his career. According to that same Darren Rovell report, he almost withdrew from today’s championship after his mother’s recent passing, but chose to carry on.

Despite their cultural differences, the two bun munchers weren’t exactly foreign to each other coming in to today’s coronation. At last year’s Nathan’s event, when Chestnut was just a rookie, Kobayashi narrowly defeated him, 53.75-52. The day was significant because although the result was expected, it was the best an American had ever fared against The Tsunami. In hindsight, we now see it was a sign of things to come.

This afternoon, Chestnut won his first Coney Island title at the same age (23) that Kobayashi was when he won his first in 2001. With The Tsunami’s future in question, will “Jaws” rise to similar heights? Only time will tell. What we do know is that today’s result signals a passing of the torch in competitive eating. Kobayashi’s dynasty is on the brink, and a young hot dog phenom has staked his claim as the heir to the throne.

Between the Lines: Utah vs. Golden State, Game One

The highly anticipated NBA Western Conference semifinal between the Utah Jazz and Golden State Warriors tipped off last night, moments after viewers were lulled to sleep by Game 2 of the Chicago/Detroit series. These viewers didn’t get much time to doze off, as the two young contenders from the West staged a thrilling contest and provided more than a few classic moments. Here are a few things you may have missed from Monday night’s gem:

—> So what, you ask, will be this matchup’s most intriguing subplot? Clearly, the battle at the point guard spot between Golden State’s Baron Davis and Utah’s Deron Williams is the biggest story. But subplot? It has to be the mohawk revival. That’s right, folks. The stars have aligned. Thanks to Warriors wingman Matt Barnes and Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko, we have been blessed with two mohawk haircuts in a single series. Has this ever happened? Somebody get Elias Sports Bureau on the phone. It’s too bad Barnes’ backup, Al Harrington, shaved his off earlier in the year because a third ‘hawk would cause absolute bedlam. Jazz bench warmer Rafael Araujo (wow, I never thought I would need to type that name again) even has his own version, although it’s more of a “faux hawk”. Something tells me TNT caught on to the trend, because immediately after Carlos Boozer’s winning tip-in with 17 seconds to go, they went to break with a shot of a fan sporting a ‘hawk of his own. You have to applaud that decision.

—> Speaking of Davis vs. Williams (or Baron vs. Deron…hey, it rhymes!), you might have noticed the graphic TNT used to set up the storyline early in the first quarter. It was a bit like a pitcher’s scouting report but with more liberties taken, as the two guards’ styles and tendencies were contrasted in a few short phrases. One particular bullet stood out from the rest:

“[Deron Williams] will be Baron Davis in five years.”

I wonder how Mr. Williams feels about this less than encouraging prediction. If it’s true, Utah better lure Golden State’s training staff away in the off-season (or better yet, during this series) because he’s going to need all the medical attention Davis has required over the last few seasons. Sure, Davis is doing a tremendous job carrying the team on his back now, but he’s been dogged by injuries for his entire career. Nice work, TNT, and good luck breaking the hex, Deron. Winning Game 1 was a nice start.

—> If someone were to make a movie out of this series, there would be some great casting opportunities. For example, the role of Kirilenko would be played impeccably by Dolph Lundgren. It’s a perfect match, and I’m sure Lundgren could use the work. After all, he’s not doing much these days other than collecting royalty cheques for Rocky III.

Highly paid male cheerleader/Warriors reserve guard Sarunas Jasikevicius would be played by Matt Damon. Come to think of it, Damon could also audition for the role of gritty Jazz forward Matt Harpring. These three might have been separated at birth. If you ran into them at a Wal-Mart (now there’s a movie), would you be able to tell them apart?

Davis would be played by the animated donkey from the Shrek movies, while the part of controversial teammate Stephen Jackson would be given to Chris Rock. This thing writes itself.

Start Your (Search) Engines

Just as true fans and journalists alike spend hours perusing box scores, one of the best parts of having a blog is getting a look at the statistics. I’m not going to lie. Seeing the search engine terms entered by users randomly surfing the web and happening upon this small slice of the internet has become a truly entertaining pastime. Some people come in search of the blog itself and others look for topics addressed here. Then, of course, there are completely random and often hilarious queries. So rather than continuing to enjoy them for myself, it’s time to share the best user searches of the week.

7. “Rick Aguilera AND Mormon”. After I wrote this Memory Lane piece about Game Six of the 1986 World Series back in late March, the searches started pouring in. This game has an appeal unlike any other in baseball history. Yes, there have been more memorable individual moments (Thomson, Mays, Mazeroski, Fisk, Carter, etc.), but this game stands alone as a masterpiece (of comedy and tragedy) from start to finish. As for Aguilera, I did indeed mention that he was a devout Mormon and apparently, people are interested in this kind of thing.

6. “Greg Smyth hockey”. This one came after the Memory Lane feature on the Halifax Citadels. I can’t imagine who would be looking for details on an obscure hockey journeyman like Greg Smyth, but maybe his family just had some free time. He did spend time in the NHL with Philadelphia, Quebec, Toronto, Florida, Chicago and Calgary, so it’s entirely possible that he has a cult following.

5. “Who won the 1986 World Series?”. Another classic search grabbing hold of the first Memory Lane piece. What surprised me was the way this one was worded. The thing about that series was it was more about who lost it than who was ultimately victorious. Also, I can understand if a casual fan or baseball neophyte doesn’t know what happened, but I would have just typed in the event and read up on the result. It’s actually better this way though, because we know exactly what was going through the seacher’s mind.

4. A dead heat between “Bob McCown Rogers commercials music” and “Bob McCown Rogers commercials song”. Honorable mention to “Prime Time Sports simulcast theme”. These types of searches have been so regular that I might have to actually investigate. It appears that in this day and age of information overload (and with overwhelming interest in the radio show covered in this corner of the blogosphere) there is even a fan base for the soundtracks to both PTS and McCown’s Sportsnet ads. I have to admit, I have been caught bobbing my head or humming along with them, but I’ve never had the urge to find them online.

3. “Worst sports media personnel”. I don’t even feel like I need to say anything here. This one really speaks for itself. Seriously though, all kidding aside, I’m really not sure how this led the searcher here. I have a great deal of respect for the “sports media personnel” dealt with in these pages. The fact that people are looking for the worst is amusing, but they’ve clearly made a wrong turn if they expect to find them here.

2. “Marijuana Raptors”. I laughed out loud when I saw this one. I mean, come on. Really, people? These two words don’t exactly go hand in hand (“Welcome back to Word Association…your word, Tim, is…Raptors.”) Somewhere out there sits a very bored and probably hungry individual.

1. “Great Moments in Gospel Music, Vol. 2″. Can I get an amen from the congregation? This one also had me in stitches. Testify! I just wish I could have seen the look on their face when they found “Great Moments in Televised Radio, Vol. 2″. What a difference a couple of words make. Hey, it must have been alright, because the religious reader stuck around to read it.

This is going to have to be a recurring segment now. Until next time, may your searches bring you what you’re looking for (and maybe a little curveball along the way).

T.G.I. $#&@day?

Those of you flipping between baseball and hockey on Friday night got a rare treat: the elusive triple F-bomb.

Sure, we’ve seen cursing in sports in the past (just ask Bobby Knight, Ozzie Guillen, Shea Hillenbrand and Jim Mora) and even recently (see Josh Smith and James Toney). But three times by three different people in one night? This was like the solar eclipse of sound bytes. The best part about this remarkable feat was that you had to really be in the right place at the right time to see it. Let’s review:

The first: Toronto Blue Jays’ starter A.J. Burnett gets Baltimore’s Brian Roberts to fly out to center field to end the seventh inning, wrapping up his night on the mound. The score is flashed as we’re about to head to commercial. Then, there’s a shot of Burnett heading toward the dugout. He’s looking up, as in, high up in the stands. Now, I’m no expert lip reader, but I do know the words “F#&@ you” when I see them. After seeing it, readjusting my jaw and going over it in my head to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, one thing was clear. He wasn’t saying “F#&@ yeah!”. There was no fist pump. No glove slap. If he’s letting hecklers get to him in April, we should make sure there are no sharp objects in the clubhouse when September rolls around.

The second and third: One area where CBC’s Hockey Night in Canada has improved is in post-game coverage. This, of course, includes head coaches’ live press conferences. Tampa Bay Lightning bench boss John Tortorella is known for his, shall we say, honesty with the media. CBC’s own Don Cherry was handed a seven-second delay in 2004, and they might have given Tortorella a similar leash if they had known what was coming.

Watch it here and see for yourself. There were really three things that made this moment superb.

1. The “I think I just crapped my pants” look on the face of the male reporter standing in the shot.

2. The fact that, since it was live, there was no time for bleeping or editing.

3. The New York Post’s Larry Brooks standing up to Tortorella and dropping an F-bomb of his own. Now that’s journalism.

Great Moments in Televised Radio, Vol. II

Every week, we’ll take a look at the funniest and most poignant moments from Rogers Sportsnet’s simulcast of the FAN 590’s daily dinner time show, Prime Time Sports. When incorrigible host Bob McCown and his co-hosts talk to athletes, coaches, officials and media, you just know it’s going to be memorable. Watching a radio show live on television has never been this fun.

When the idea for this piece was first hatched, the plan was to cover a week’s worth of gems in each post. Well, so much for that. After the strength of yesterday’s show (and because a week had elapsed since the first post) , the April 11 program clearly deserved a spot of its own. In fact, there was enough gold in the 6-7 p.m. hour alone to fill the Royal Canadian Mint. Let’s get to it.

Hockey experts Eric Duhatschek and Al Morganti make their weekly appearance at the top of the hour. I don’t normally trust Wikipedia as a reliable source, but today it provides a tremendous tidbit on Morganti:

Al is also the founder of the annual Wing Bowl, in which thousands of people watch a competition as to who can eat the greatest amount of Buffalo wings within a certain time period.

As for the show, the two guests are in fine form. The league has given NBC the marquee playoff matchup (Pittsburgh/Ottawa) on Saturday afternoon, while sticking CBC with New Jersey/Tampa Bay in prime time. Here goes McCown. “Should NBC be given first choice based on A. The financial implications of the two contracts and B. After all, it’s America, and I’m not sure the ratings would go up one point because they have a better game than if they had a crappy game,” he says.

“Well, absolutely,” jokes Morganti. “Because when you’re paying nothing for something, you should get everything you want.”

McCown chuckles heartily as Morganti continues. “In fact, it’s insanity. I mean, what the hell is goin’ on?” McCown says CBC paid $500 million for their new deal, describing their fate as getting “scrawed”. Somebody get Webster’s on the line.

“It’s insane that NBC would get the choice,” says Morganti, driving the point home as he does so well. “What they need between periods is a picture of the [NBC] peacock chasing Gary Bettman around in booties. It’s nuts.” The thing about Morganti is, he is clearly a comic genius, but his comedic effectiveness is directly related to how angry he gets. He’s the sports world’s version of Jerry Stiller. Well, at least he would be if he didn’t remind me of Willem Dafoe.

Co-host Stephen Brunt gets Duhatschek involved.

“It’s just another example of the fact that this game is driven by this elusive dream of trying to spread the gospel of hockey to a population that is largely indifferent to it,” says Duhatschek. “If you hate the product, it implies that you’re watching it from time to time, but if you’re not even aware of it, that’s the worst possible thing.”

Now it’s two questions later and McCown still hasn’t ribbed Duhatschek. Wait for it. It’s coming. The former is looking at statistics comparing the all-time records for playoff seeding matchups. Duhatschek chastises McCown for “trotting out” the 4 vs. 5 history instead of focusing on the more interesting story of the success by seven seeds against twos. “I just looked at it literally like two minutes ago while you were babbling on and I got bored,” McCown fires back.

To wrap it up, we get the obligatory predictions, as the hosts and guests pick their Stanley Cup winners. Morganti takes Pittsburgh. Duhatschek chooses San Jose. Brunt goes with Buffalo. Bob, the envelope, please…

“It is with great chagrin that I announce that I agree with Duhatschek, which means that I’m probably dead meat.”

But Eric is quick. “I’m changing my pick right now,” he quips.

McCown explains that the Sharks would be the best team in the NHL under his 4-3-2-1 point system. “So you can go ahead and watch the Sopranos for the next eight weeks and not worry about the Cup Final. You’re welcome.”

After the extended break, Kansas City Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock responds to the Don Imus remarks and subsequent fallout. Whitlock has always been well spoken and today is no different. His latest column doesn’t condone Imus’ comments but points the finger at musicians and comedians in America who do much the same thing and receive acclaim for it. He also criticizes Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for exploiting it for their own benefit. The larger problem, he says, lies in youth culture.

“We have a problem here in American black youth culture. We have this hip-hop culture that has really introduced all of this negative, hostile and demeaning language into our culture,” explains Whitlock. “So we lose the moral high ground to object when people are really just mimicking what they see us do on a daily basis on music and national TV. Until we police our own, we don’t have the credibility to go after an Imus the way we are.”

He’s got a point. “It’s a real simple formula: respect yourself and then other people will respect you.”

“We have to get our house in order,” he says. “We have to develop thicker skin and come to the realization that what white Americans think of us does not determine our future. What we think of ourselves will determine our destiny.” This was one of the best interviews I have seen on Prime Time. Whitlock was on with every point.

Back to hockey. New CBC Sports executive director Scott Moore joins the guys for a brief but telling exchange. He’s asked what went on between himself and NHL commissioner Gary Bettman after the decision was made to give NBC the better game. Scott? “I argued my point, he argued his. Unfortunately, he has the hammer.”

Clearly, Bettman shafted CBC here, but leave it to Bob to put it in perspective. “I pay more than NBC for the rights to NHL hockey,” says McCown. Can they fit a drum set in the studio? Now that would be great television.

The Moore interview concludes. McCown laments Moore’s fate by saying, “Scott Moore, out of the frying pan and into the fire.”

Was this a case of Bettman taking advantage of the new guy? It begs the question. Speaking of begging the question, with Bettman not going anywhere and Bill Daly being groomed as his successor, will we ever see another Canadian commissioner of the National Hockey League?

We’re back from break and it’s the closing segment. The pair get a few comments in as the music fades in and the show begins to wrap. Suddenly, there’s McCown, silent, staring off into space.

“The producer looks like he wants to say something,” says McCown. Then, there’s a shot of producer Ryan Walsh in the booth. He’s talking to Brunt and McCown but we can’t hear what’s going on.

“Whoa,” says Brunt. Something big? Tell us, Bob, if you will.

Breaking news on Prime Time? I can’t remember the last time this happened. McCown tells us the MSNBC simulcast of Don Imus’ WFAN show has just been dropped. This thing is snowballing quickly. Here’s a novel idea. Maybe people should actually listen to Whitlock and figure out what the real problem is. We’ll all be better off in the end.

Growing the Garbo, Day 12

After Toronto Raptors forward Jorge Garbajosa was ruled out for the season due to a horrific injury suffered in the March 26 game in Boston, I decided to honour him by growing my own version of his trademark beard.

We’re now at Day 12 of ‘The Garbo’ and several things are clear:

1. No one from the team has officially come out and said it, but the remainder of the season has been dedicated to Garbajosa. Toronto is 5-1 since he went down and it is clear that they are playing with a little extra motivation. Call it destiny, fate and perhaps even a little bit of luck, but the fire under the Raptors has been lit.

2. After Chicago’s victory over New Jersey last night secured the Raptors’ first division title in franchise history, the real battle will now be for home court advantage in the playoffs. Toronto needs to hang on to the 3rd seed to land home court and has to face Detroit twice before season’s end.

3. The Washington Wizards are all but finished, but Toronto is quietly hoping they still somehow manage to hang on to the 6th spot in the East. Washington is four games ahead of the Nets and despite losing Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler, there is a realistic chance that they could qualify for the playoffs and hang on to their current position. New Jersey would have to win nearly every remaining game and hope Washington were to lose nearly every contest left on the schedule for the Nets to leapfrog the Wizards. So what does it all mean? Toronto will be rooting for the Wizards and against the Nets for the rest of the season.

4. After dealing with this beard for nearly a couple of weeks now, I must say one thing. Garbajosa has to be commended for putting up with his face fungus all year round. I’m surprised you never see shots of him itching it on the court, or trimming it during timeouts.

So now that Toronto has clinched a playoff berth and won the Atlantic Division, it’s time to dust off the razor and return to the real world. That’s right, folks. It’s been a good ride, but there will be no more confused looks and comments from friends and colleagues. The team will continue to play for the injured Garbajosa and I should hope that my tribute has kept the gritty veteran in the hearts and minds of basketball fans and facial hair enthusiasts alike.

Great Moments in Televised Radio, Vol. I

Every week, we’ll take a look at the funniest and most poignant moments from Rogers Sportsnet’s simulcast of the FAN 590’s daily dinner time show, Prime Time Sports. When incorrigible host Bob McCown and his co-hosts talk to athletes, coaches, officials and media, you just know it’s going to be memorable. Watching a radio show live on television has never been this fun.

Thursday, March 29: Sports business writer Darren Rovell tells us that Fenway Park, one of the last of the old stadiums, has transformed from a pure, advertisement-free landmark to a haven of corporate sponsorship. “It’s like a minor league stadium,” he says. Or maybe a NASCAR vehicle. A European hockey club’s jersey also comes to mind. Apparently the Red Sox need every penny they can squeeze out of Frank’s Red Hot and Pfizer to keep up with the Yankees. Do what you want to the outfield walls and backstop. Just please, for all that is good in the land of Carlton Fisk and Johnny Pesky, lay off the uniforms.

Moments before going off the air for the day, Bob McCown and his co-host, the Globe and Mail’s Stephen Brunt, look forward to baseball’s Opening Day. As the closing music plays and the credits roll, Brunt encourages kids to “skip school on Monday.” McCown responds by saying, “Hey, I might just skip work…[after a beat]…like that would be an event.” Say what you want about McCown’s style, but he never fails to get the last punch in before the bell.

Friday, March 30: The Friday round table is consistently the most entertaining of the week’s five shows, simply because of the amount of people piled in to the sardine can of a studio. On this occasion, it’s the last show before Opening Day, and we have McCown, Brunt, Elliott Wahle (former Blue Jays director of player personnel) and the always enjoyable former Major Leaguer, Bill “Spaceman” Lee.

McCown gets things rolling by stating that baseball’s first day is unlike any other in sports. He’s right. Spring is here, optimism is high and all teams are equal before the six-month marathon begins. Brunt explains why baseball is so different. “It’s not an assault of entertainment,” he says. “Everything else in the world now is assaulting. Everything comes at you. Baseball, in that sense, is very old fashioned, it’s very different, and it requires you to be a part of it.” Couldn’t agree more. Go on. “It requires an investment in a different way. I feel like a geezer saying it, but that’s what I like about it.”

McCown can’t resist. He has to chime in.

“Does that inhibit the future of the game? We all know the kids today are in a society that induces instant gratification.” No, Bob. Don’t do this. Please. The camera shifts to Lee, sitting there like the one guy in a brawl who waits quietly in the corner doing nothing. You know something is coming. He just needs to be pushed over the edge, and McCown is baiting him nicely. “I have concerns as to whether the pace of the game can be an attraction to young people,” McCown continues. “Can they slow down long enough to experience the enjoyment that we all felt and continue to feel for the game? Bill?”

Rather than give you the entire transcript of Lee’s answer, let’s look at a list of topics covered in his rant, which, for the record, lasted for just over a minute:

1. Speeding up the game.
2. Making it less commercial.
3. “Our diet in our society.”
4. The kids today have ADD.
5. They’re obese.
6. Inner-city kids aren’t playing the game.
7. It’s doing well internationally, but what about here?

This would be great on your car radio on the ride home from work, but because it’s on television, it’s a million times better. We see what looks like the guy who hangs out in Times Square with a “The End is Near” sign. Lee is sporting a camouflage ball cap, a T-shirt that he probably wore under his uniform in the ’70s, and he clearly hasn’t shaved. Yes, he was always known as a hippie (who reportedly sang Warren Zevon songs during games, practiced yoga and admittedly smoked marijuana while in the league). But seeing and hearing him vent like this made me wonder why he doesn’t have his own show. He clearly speaks for a generation, or at least a segment of one.

Wednesday, April 4: Today is just one of those days. Nothing is going right on the show, and McCown won’t let us forget it. The producer has been trying for hours to get legendary basketball executive and potential bidder for the Chicago Cubs, Jerry Colangelo, to address his interest in buying the team. No luck. McCown and co-host Jim Kelley wonder where he is as word comes down that even his secretary can’t reach him. This is live radio, and live television. These things happen. Still, the host/curmudgeon, McCown, has to fill time.

“Nothing like a well produced radio show…[pause]…and this is nothing like a well produced radio show.”